Negative self talk

[mamachick]

Thank you saffy. I am trying.
I just read some literature on an intensive outpatient trauma program. It said that it is the meaning that we assign to the traumatic events that cause depression, anxiety, isolation, etc. I knew that, somehow forgot that.

When we have a trauma that a person caused and treated us horribly, the messages might be anything, Im worthless, Im unlovable, Im damaged, Im bad, I cant do anything to make a difference, etc. Or many of them. For myself, it leaves me where things that I would have handled better become bigger than they are, and somehow-it makes everything my fault. Then I become paralyzed to do anything.

I dont know how to process this on my own to reverse those thoughts, but Im working on it.

 

[saffy]

somehow-it makes everything my fault. Then I become paralyzed to do anything.

Hi brat
I hear what you are saying. I still at times blame myself, saying Its my fault or I just cant seem to make people happy or proud of me. No matter what I done I always felt it wasn't enough, even the simplest things. Or it was my fault something did not work out for someone else.

I thought Hang on, why should I blame myself for nbot being able to please these people. THese people will never be pleased so I am fighting a loosing battle. I then had to prove to myself that I am not to blame and realised I am being way too hard on myself and I shouldn't take on what other people say or do as I am not expected to be able to please them as well as myself.

it leaves me where things that I would have handled better become bigger than they are

When someone has made you feel that you are not capable of doing something it usually makes the task seem so much of a challenge. Normally it is because you start questioning and doubting your own ability. You actually start beleiving that they must be right. No no no. I thought. This is irrational thinking.

Why must they be right? Are they the most perfect, well adjusted and lovely person in the world. I doubt that because of how they have manipulated and abused you. Good people just do not do that, they try to encourage and support people around them, not go out of their way to make you feel sh*t whilst they are trying to make themselves look or feel better.

Why do I feel that it is my fault that things happen to me, feel that because I am me this is why this is happening. No again thats irrational, I cannot be in control of everything especially someone elses behaviour and attitude, that would be impossible and I am allowed to make mistakes and be a victim of circumstance.

I often ask myself 'why do people treat me like this? I know! its because I am such a worthless person who can not do anything right. Turn that around and think 'people treat me like Im worthless because thats how I act and am what I expecting'

I also attract that type of person, as at first I think that they are strong and assertive and confident. When actually most of the time it turns out they are far from it, but opinionate their views to the extent that they think it is making them look better because you are such a wreck, infact they have fuelled this wreck it with their unsupportive and judgemental actions. Who are THEY to sit and judge me?

I beleive that if you tell yourself something often enough you start to beleive it, this is why self affirmations is important. So now I turn a negative thought into a positive one and stop listening to people who are not supportive or understanding to my needs because it is their actions that is keeping me at this place, not what I am actually doing anything wrong.

The mind works in mysterious ways eh :)

best wishes
Saffy

 

[mamachick]

Hi saffy,
Im so glad you have stopped listening to these negative messages and do the daily self affirmations. I need to do the same. I have gotten so deep in (mostly past messages) that I dont even want to get out of bed most days. I think we get past the point of having the bad thought-its just as if it is on a cellular level.

Guilt is about what we do, shame is about being. I use to feel guilt (some legitimate, mostly not). Over time, it has become shame. When I wake in the morning, I do have a thought. "whats there to get up for-go back to sleep as long as you can" So I do. That leaves me sleeping 16-20 hrs at a time, and on nobody elses schedule. Which is fine with me. The intellegent part of me knows this is unhealthy, the emotional part is soothed when I can just sleep and not deal with the world or myself.

I cant say that I think as much about what I have done wrong, just that I am wrong. Its non specific. I was not suppose to be born. I was a mistake from the beginning and nothing good will ever happen.

Funny that during one period of live I compared myself with the little engine that could

Thanks,
Will try

 

[saffy]

Hi Brat
I feel like that sometimes. yesturday I did not get out of my dressing gown and spent the day on the sofa. I live alone so I suppose it makes it easier. Before when I did that I felt guilty and ashamed thinking that I should be out doing something, I should do this or that. Then I realised I only 'should' because of conditioning. Humans, unfortunatly, have lots of conditions and expectations, and everyones is different. II want to be able to live and make myself happy without having to abide by someone elses conditions.

I was conditioned to think and do things that are mainly causing conflict in my head. There is, what I can figure, a conflict between me and my conditioning.

I read a book earlier in the year and It really helped get rid of some of the 'noise' in my head. It has helped me get rid of unnecessary thoughts and because of this I can think better and concentrate better. I have a long way to go. The book was 'practising the power of now' by Ekhart Tolle. Not sure if you have heard of it or not? I am not advertising this book in anyway, but it really helped me in some ways.:)

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that if you want to sleep then sleep, if you want to go for a run then do etc etc. Because it is a decision you have made and not a part of conditioning conflict.

Hope that makes sense.

Best wishes
Saffy

 

[Philippa]

That leaves me sleeping 16-20 hrs at a time, and on nobody elses schedule. Which is fine with me. The intellegent part of me knows this is unhealthy, the emotional part is soothed when I can just sleep and not deal with the world or myself.

Gosh, I so get this.

I was like this for many years, and for the same reason. I didn't take drugs or drink alcohol...my escape was sleeping. My dream world was far more pleasant and interesting, and fun than my waking reality, so I preferred to stay there. Just lying still and feeling that comfort helped me so much...but of course everyone around me thought I was just lazy.

 

[mamachick]

saffy, I agree with you completely. When my kids were growing up, I was up with them and saw them off to school every morning through high school. My mom was depressed and did not. She slept most of the day and didnt do much else. So I took it on that I would never (however ill) not fix my kids breakfast and see them off. By the time they left, beds were made and I was beginning the day.

Now they are grown, I live by myself. There is nothing pressing, and as Phillipa has said, it is my escape. No alcohol or drugs, I just like sleeping. I want to want to get up and do something, but the truth is, I cant think of anything I would rather do right now. With winter on the way, its really appealing.

I did not read that book saffy, I might have it. Love Tolle other one, ??New Life or something, cant remember off hand. I forget alot of what I read but remember what I found helpful.

Are we so conditioned to be busy? I think we are.

Thank you saffy and Phillippa. I think we need our own permission.

 

[Whitneys story]

Brat17, You said you learned from sharing your experience. Are you doing a diary, this might be a refresher course that would help?

 

[Anna]

Yes brat17, I also have this problem. It took many years and self control to get out of it.

My upbringing didn't help. I was never praised only criticised, lots of emotional crap being played out there.

I grew up as a young teen despising and loathing myself. I hated myself. I thought I was ugly, digusting, evil etc etc... I would self harm, I would abuse myself, I would let people abuse me because I hated myself so much. I had no self confidence.

After my trauma I moulded myself into a monster. Something noone would go near. I was a punk and I looked so scary people did not come near me, sit next to me and would walk round me. When I became "normal" I would crash into people in the street as I was so used to people getting out of my way.

I kind of have a love hate relationship with myself. I have days where I love myself and days where I hate myself.

With age and wisdom, also experience I have grown to just not care what other people think. I get on with my life, do my job, care about my family and I am what I am. I can be very rough, I sometimes scare people but I am who I am. I am doing ok. I do not want those people to win and grind me into the ground. Learn to hold your head up high. Remember you are strong and a good person. Do not let them win, do not let them get you down.

 

[saffy]

Now they are grown, I live by myself

wow, yep same as.

I did everything for my kids and concentrated so much on them whilst they grew up I forgot about myself. Once they had left home I got the 'empty nest' feeling and had no idea who I was or what I wanted in life for me, I felt empty and unmotivated. I felt I had no purpose now they have gone. However, I have always had a drink and drugs problem.

I think that is why I have animals, it gives me a purpose and reason to get up. Whether I bother doing anything else depends on whether I can be bothered. But I have learnt there is no point in beating myself up just because I didn't get dressed, for example. Now I think If I want to sit around I am hurting no one, even myself by doing it.

I have been single for the longest time as I have problems forming meaningful relationships. Because of this I can leave myself to my own devices , if that makes sense.

They left home four years ago now and I am just finding out things I kind of enjoy, some things need a lot of motivation to keep up, Im learning the saxaphone, and sometime I do miss lessons. However, again I do not beat myself up for it but apologise and try again, that is all I can do.

I have started umpteen various arts and crafts and different things I suddenly feel the urge to try. but if I fail I now think it was not for me after all, not that I am useless. There must be something out there I can do.

So again yes I think we are programmed or conditioned to keep busy or too learn more.

Best wishes
Saffy

 

[Shan]

I can feel you pain Brat....There are times I feel like I need to try to take it down a notch...But when you have been raised or have been where we have been for a lifetime and there is no one to turn to for advice or just to listen ...Everything seems amplified! It is so overwhelming! I also isolate like a recluse, ppl have told me since I was in my 20's..." your guard is as high as the Berlin Wall"..Relax...lighten up! Easy for you to say!!!
Guarding myself from all the abusive behavior and words not to mention hits! So sick an tired of attracting those types= ex-employers, ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, ex husband and the holy grail the one and only parent the Mother!!! I know what you are talking about! Sometimes you just need someone to to say "That just Sucks". You so never deserved that ...no one does! Just trying to figure out how to start over in life...what is left of it. It is NOT your fault at all. Never had any one that had my back nor any support system or anyone to call. You are not alone.

 

[saffy]

Never had any one that had my back nor any support system or anyone to call. You are not alone.

HI Shan

Yes I can relate to that, its a horrible feeling. I have over the years try to developed better coping strategies for life in general, and some do work. I try not to turn everything back on myself, especially bad things, even if they directly concern me.

Learning how to clear unwanted 'noise' is slowly working, turning negatives into positives do too. Learning to be more assertive and learning to stick to my decisions has also helped. However, like us all there are a lot more things to learn and one main one for me was this:

'the behaviour of my mother and manipulations are because she is what she is, NOT because I am who I am. It is her behaviour and her attitude and NOT mine, I am a better person for it and because of it' This is one of my chants anyway.

LIstening to everyones posts on here has definately made me aware that I am not alone and It happens to lots of people who too are also confused, worried and scared. People going through the same thing will understand and will be more supportive, so much so, I do not have to try and look for understanding and support from people around me who will not understand. I do not bother trying to explain to them it ends up more distressing, in fact.

BIG Group hug is in need I think :)

Best wishes
Saffy

 

[Philippa]

Now they are grown, I live by myself. There is nothing pressing, and as Phillipa has said, it is my escape. No alcohol or drugs, I just like sleeping. I want to want to get up and do something, but the truth is, I cant think of anything I would rather do right now. With winter on the way, its really appealing.

I'm like this too...and it led me to think a lot about how our society encourages "doing" as opposed to "being". Running around always being busy, so it looks like we are so important...but I fidn it really har dto think of anything that really needs to be done, other than household stuff of course, and that can always wait.

When I WANT to do something, then that's a different matter...but most of the time, it's this pressure to HAVE to do something. I still get it, even after 20 years of being aware of it.

I observed my father running around, always so busy, like the workaholic that he is, and couldn't help but pity him, and everyone else who feels the need to always 'do' stuff, and be busy. If they stopped for just a minute, they'd be faced with all their thoughts and all their pain...and they would be terrified.

I think cultivating a comfortable relationship with stillness and silence is a worthy investment...but it's not the most popular thing to say these days.

Are we so conditioned to be busy? I think we are.

We definitely are...though I think much more healing can take place if we just let ourselves stop and be with what is going on inside ourselves for a minute.

The old attitude that is considered so 'wise' these days, is to keep ourselves busy all the time so we never have to get too caught up in our thoughts...and it's ok if it's productive business...but half the time, people are just creating things to be busy over, and none of it ever really leads anywhere.

Thank you saffy and Phillippa. I think we need our own permission.

That is definitely within our power.:happy: