Neighbors' Bonfire Is A Trigger

[nycowboy]

Hi.

It is Thursday, and I saw the weather forecast for Saturday. It is wet now, but it looks to be mild on Saturday. My neighbors have a fire pit. I don't like these neighbors and they scare me. Look at my other posts for more information about them if you need it.

Every once in awhile, usually on Saturday night, they have a bonfire. They are quiet about it, but it is an extreme trigger to me. If they are outside I get scared (at any time) but if they have a bonfire I get really agitated. It does not help that I can see their bonfire from my dining room window. I pull the shade down and it alleviates the fear somewhat.

They have not had a fire since July 2nd. We are approaching winter here (it snowed last night) so I know their fire days are numbered. I'm afraid of them having a fire this weekend. I find myself compulsively checking the weather forecasts for Saturday and I'm getting very frustrated with myself.

Bonfire= they are outside= I don't feel safe= anxiety= fear= disquiet in my mind

Any recommendations about what I can or should do in this situation? I fear Saturday nights because of it.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I would try to occupy myself with something that takes a lot of attention. I play my son's video games, color with colored pencils, listen to recorded books from the library while I do other crafts. That is the short term. In the long term, therapy for processing the trigger and learning grounding techniques so you don't have to react that way.

 

[wolfiemitch]

Hi.

It is Thursday, and I saw the weather forecast for Saturday. It is wet now, but it looks to be...

hello I also hate fires and anything associated with them and I have found the best thing to do is take small steps.

 

[EveHarrington]

How close are these neighbors? Is it possible to ignore them?

 

[Casey_03]

I can't help but feel like there is something else going on here. Is there something else happening in your life right now that might be causing extra stress? It seems strange to suddenly get all worked up over a bonfire if they haven't even had one since early July. They had plenty of time to have a bonfire in the past several months and they didn't. And now all of the sudden, out of nowhere, with no real evidence to go on, you've begun to suspect they'll have one this weekend? I don't think your anxiety is caused by the potential for a bonfire. I think there's something else bothering you and you're redirecting your energy/anxiety to this bonfire thing.

 

[nycowboy]

Eve: the neighbors are right next door and hard to ignore unless I am able to go somewhere else or work on crafts or talk to other people.

Casey: yes, you are right in some ways. There are several other things going on. First, I worry every week, starting on about Tuesday, if the weather will be good enough for them to have a fire. Or if the weather will be good enough for them to go outside and do yard work (leaves). In the past they have invaded my yard on many occasions (trespass) without my permission, and I have felt the overwhelming need to protect my territory -thanks childhood bullies!

Moreso, this past Monday, I took my older son, who has autism, to the cardiologist for a heart murmur. He found mitral valve prolapse and regurgitation, as well as aortic root dilation and tricuspid valve prolapse. All are mild. But given the amount of heart issues, we are now going to be taking him to a geneticist to see if he has Marfan's syndrome.

So yes, there is a lot more going on than their stupid bonfire.

And yes, I'm redirecting my energy/anxiety to the bonfire thing.

 

[DharmaGirl]

So, this may sound stupid, but have you thought about growing some fast growing hedge, like laurel or bamboo? Mine were 20 feet tall and about 6 feet wide. It was like being in a secret garden. I took them down since I wanted the space to have chickens and more garden room, but would something like that help? These bushes doubled their height about every 6 months.

I'm not really proud of this, but I had a neighbor who blasted country music all day, so I blasted
Tchaikovsky's Battle of 1812 Overture for several hours. It did work.

 

[nycowboy]

There was no bonfire Saturday night.

With my son's "new" health issues, I am starting to tell myself when "neighbor"/ "invader" thoughts happen: "It's OK. I can handle this."

 

[Friday]

Something else to consider... If your fear & anger is coming out sideways? It may well be that you're not as afraid of them as you think you are. ;) In the whole vein of who does the abused kid lash out at? The abusive parent or the safe one? The safe one. Because they know deep down, they're not going to hurt them. It's a very human thing to do. Normal kids use up their self control at school, melt down at home. Normal adults use up their self control at work, and melt down at home. Places where people can't handle the consequences they keep it together, then fall apart or blow up where they feel safe. PTSD jacks a live wire into normal, but the same patterns tend to repeat. So rather than being scared/angry about a situation out of your control? You're getting scared/angry at people that you actually have total confidence in your ability to handle?

 

[Silver.]

I live outside of town in a duplex. we have only one other neighboring building, and they burn every single night. They do it in a portable fire pit and that is how they are able to skirt the "hey it's too freakin dry out to burn". And those aren't little fire pit fires they are doing either. I don't like these people, but they mind their own business. Somewhere in all their stupidity, they have the smarts to keep the fire pit near the hose. Which has settled me down some, doesn't necessarily help the fact that having open windows at night isn't really an option. But you know, they don't bother me. They keep the noise level down, they and their dog keep to their property, and whatever they do? It's on them
You are holding onto fear from a dispute a long time in the past. It doesn't even seem like you have had any communication with them in years since the incident. From all your postings, I would say that you need to get a handle on this panic and need to learn some really good distraction techniques so you can worry about you and yours, and not what other people are up to.

 

[nycowboy]

You are holding onto fear from a dispute a long time in the past. It doesn't even seem like you have had any communication with them in years since the incident.

Yes, definitely. I have had no direct communication with them since the property line dispute of 3 years ago. I have seen them a few times. I don't like them, but like you say with your neighbors, they mind their own business and (I think) have finally learned to keep their dog in their own yard. They aren't loud by any means.

But I wonder what they are up to. It's not as bad as it used to be, but it is still there. hmmm... they put up a security light in the back of their house. Humm... they carved pumpkins and put them on their porch. Last night I had the fear that they would bring their kid trick-or-treating at our house. I kept telling myself that it is ok. If they come, I will be gracious, or have someone else answer the door. Turns out they weren't home.

But why do I keep living their lives instead of my own? I don't get it.

worry about you and yours, and not what other people are up to

You are right!

 

[nycowboy]

So rather than being scared/angry about a situation out of your control? You're getting scared/angry at people that you actually have total confidence in your ability to handle?

I am pondering this statement. I'm trying to get a handle on what you are saying here. Can you elaborate more about your thoughts? I'm not disagreeing, but I definitely do NOT feel safe around them and the thought of coming into contact with them scares the crap out of me.