Hi all! I'm sorry if this first post is long.
I've been with my partner for 2 1/2 years, 1 1/2 of which was spent long distance. We've recently moved in together and just this week, we decided that it was best to break up. Post break-up I don't know how to handle this situation.
The background: We met about a month after he was hit by an IED in Iraq and he was spending time at Walter Reed Army Medical Hospital in DC. He was here for 10 months and we spent a lot of time together. I read about PTSD and we both knew that he had it, but his therapy kept getting pushed back for more urgent patients at Walter Reed (they are terribly understaffed in mental health support). Consequently, he didn't work that much at dealing with his issues.
After 10 months, he was transferred to his home base to continue/finish the process of becoming medically retired. While he was there he didn't see a therapist. His home base was 9 hours away and we would see each other about every 8 weeks, but we would talk everyday, multiple times a day. He opened up to me and told me everything that was going on, how he was feeling, and what was driving him crazy. When we would see each other, we were so close and would have so much fun and we were incredibly intimate. we had so much joy.
He was so excited to come move back to be with me and kept talking about it. He was excited to start his life. But we moved in together two months ago and immediately he turned into a different person. He had told me that he wanted about a month to relax and I figured that meant that he wanted to not think about possibility of school, working out, getting a therapist or anything stressful. He has enough disability pay that he doesn't have to work so he can really do what he wants with the rest of his life. I thought he was taking time before he started the next chapter in his life and I was okay with his relaxation plan because after 11 years in the Army he deserves the time off.
I did not think that this time-off meant that he would be taking time off from our relationship. The excitement he had for building our home together was pushed aside. He basically has been playing video games and watching TV for 2 months now. He cooks a couple times a week, but I think he does it because it's the only way he can show that he cares. He is absorbed with our two dogs and shows them more affection in a day than I've gotten since he moved in. I've tried like a crazy person to get him involved with our life: l've tried leaving him alone, asking him to do things, saying thank you for even the tiniest thing he does, and asking him to join me in doing things. But when he's at home he just isolates himself. He doesn't yell or get upset, in fact he never has. He's very sensitive and often thinks that when we're having a discussion, that we're fighting. He is not violent or dangerous and wouldn't hurt me. What kills is that he is the outgoing man I fell in love with when we're out with our friends, but he isn't with me.
We are both in therapy separately and last week, after our sessions, we made the decision to break up. I said that if working on bettering our relationship wasn't an upcoming goal of his (in the next 6 months) that I couldn't be the only one trying to make it work for both of us. You can't grow a relationship that way. Through therapy he realized that just because the unhappiness doesn't bother him enough to do something about it, it doesn't make it fair to drag me through it.
I think a big part of this is his desire to aviod because we are still living together, but he thinks that we don't need to decide on boundaries/rules or discuss how we are going to make this work. I moved out of our bedroom to the guest bedroom, but we still have to be roommates, which means that he still has to deal with me.
I know that I should be providing a stable supportive atmosphere for him because I've formerly been a person of comfort and happiness for him, but I still love him. It's difficult to know where the line is because I still want to kiss him and hug him. I know that if I stay, I need to be the stable one, so that he can feel free to explore his emotions. Sometimes this is a very difficult task when your heart is broken.
My big problem is that there's nothing holding us together: no kids or marriage. I could leave, I could break our lease and start over. I'd like to think that this is just a break and not a break up, but I also can't be waiting around for him, because it's not beneficial to pressure someone going through major therapy.
I guess I just want to be heard and understood by people without feeling like I'm making excuses for him. I've had military wives tell me that since he doesn't hit me or yell at me then it's not so bad. I've had friends ask if he was just being a typically lazy guy by not wanting to put in the relationship effort. It's so much more complicated than that, but nobody understands if they're not in it.
Thanks for reading this and for any advice you all can give. I really look forward to being a part of this group.
Thanks,
K
I've been with my partner for 2 1/2 years, 1 1/2 of which was spent long distance. We've recently moved in together and just this week, we decided that it was best to break up. Post break-up I don't know how to handle this situation.
The background: We met about a month after he was hit by an IED in Iraq and he was spending time at Walter Reed Army Medical Hospital in DC. He was here for 10 months and we spent a lot of time together. I read about PTSD and we both knew that he had it, but his therapy kept getting pushed back for more urgent patients at Walter Reed (they are terribly understaffed in mental health support). Consequently, he didn't work that much at dealing with his issues.
After 10 months, he was transferred to his home base to continue/finish the process of becoming medically retired. While he was there he didn't see a therapist. His home base was 9 hours away and we would see each other about every 8 weeks, but we would talk everyday, multiple times a day. He opened up to me and told me everything that was going on, how he was feeling, and what was driving him crazy. When we would see each other, we were so close and would have so much fun and we were incredibly intimate. we had so much joy.
He was so excited to come move back to be with me and kept talking about it. He was excited to start his life. But we moved in together two months ago and immediately he turned into a different person. He had told me that he wanted about a month to relax and I figured that meant that he wanted to not think about possibility of school, working out, getting a therapist or anything stressful. He has enough disability pay that he doesn't have to work so he can really do what he wants with the rest of his life. I thought he was taking time before he started the next chapter in his life and I was okay with his relaxation plan because after 11 years in the Army he deserves the time off.
I did not think that this time-off meant that he would be taking time off from our relationship. The excitement he had for building our home together was pushed aside. He basically has been playing video games and watching TV for 2 months now. He cooks a couple times a week, but I think he does it because it's the only way he can show that he cares. He is absorbed with our two dogs and shows them more affection in a day than I've gotten since he moved in. I've tried like a crazy person to get him involved with our life: l've tried leaving him alone, asking him to do things, saying thank you for even the tiniest thing he does, and asking him to join me in doing things. But when he's at home he just isolates himself. He doesn't yell or get upset, in fact he never has. He's very sensitive and often thinks that when we're having a discussion, that we're fighting. He is not violent or dangerous and wouldn't hurt me. What kills is that he is the outgoing man I fell in love with when we're out with our friends, but he isn't with me.
We are both in therapy separately and last week, after our sessions, we made the decision to break up. I said that if working on bettering our relationship wasn't an upcoming goal of his (in the next 6 months) that I couldn't be the only one trying to make it work for both of us. You can't grow a relationship that way. Through therapy he realized that just because the unhappiness doesn't bother him enough to do something about it, it doesn't make it fair to drag me through it.
I think a big part of this is his desire to aviod because we are still living together, but he thinks that we don't need to decide on boundaries/rules or discuss how we are going to make this work. I moved out of our bedroom to the guest bedroom, but we still have to be roommates, which means that he still has to deal with me.
I know that I should be providing a stable supportive atmosphere for him because I've formerly been a person of comfort and happiness for him, but I still love him. It's difficult to know where the line is because I still want to kiss him and hug him. I know that if I stay, I need to be the stable one, so that he can feel free to explore his emotions. Sometimes this is a very difficult task when your heart is broken.
My big problem is that there's nothing holding us together: no kids or marriage. I could leave, I could break our lease and start over. I'd like to think that this is just a break and not a break up, but I also can't be waiting around for him, because it's not beneficial to pressure someone going through major therapy.
I guess I just want to be heard and understood by people without feeling like I'm making excuses for him. I've had military wives tell me that since he doesn't hit me or yell at me then it's not so bad. I've had friends ask if he was just being a typically lazy guy by not wanting to put in the relationship effort. It's so much more complicated than that, but nobody understands if they're not in it.
Thanks for reading this and for any advice you all can give. I really look forward to being a part of this group.
Thanks,
K
