DID Not good, can't get a grip on parts

[Muttly]

I may be in trouble. I'm losing time. Parts are doing things I don't want them to do. I can't seem to pull it back together. I'm rarely this bad.

I've been telling myself that having time off (for knee surgery) has given me more time to process stuff and that's why my head has been so full of thoughts. This isn't typically a triggery time of year. Granted, I've run into some triggers (although at the moment I can't remember what they are. heh.)

I'm sorry I'm posting. I started another thread and haven't replied to all the great posts there and now I'm posing here. I just can't focus enough on the other thread to reply. I don't even know why I'm posting. What I expect. I'm sorry.

 

[Muttly]

I haven't eaten or slept much the last few days. I am pretty sure this post is in the wrong forum.

Last night, we did some art thinking that would help. T has been suggesting we need to let people inside talk or share what's going on. It didn't help.

I was late to my PT appointment today because a part was out and acting out. That part hurt the body a bit.

I know it's stupid. I think I want someone to come on here and tell us how we pull out of this. Is that a rescuer fantasy? It's against our rules to want to be rescued. Not allowed to wish for what won't happen. And really, we should be able to figure out how to pull ourself out of this.

I wish the psych PA hadn't moved. We finally found a psych type (not a therapist but someone who could prescribe meds) who was good and we could potentially trust in the future. And we know he could help with the basics. And of course he did prescribe some meds. And then, he was gone. We went for a follow up and he just wasn't there... as we said, can't wish for rescue. It never happens.

This post and nattering on like this is stupid. Sorry.

 

[EveHarrington]

Not stupid at all!

Are you feeling any better?

 

[Muttly]

Yes, thank you @EveHarrington. T did help. So we have been focusing more on grounding and being able to do that. We are now hesitant to touch on anything at all serious, because we don't want to spin out again.

 

[CelticHarp]

Hi, please be kind to yourself and remember to breathe. Try listening to music and to do other calming activities. Internal peace does not happen over night. It takes time It is hard. I hear you.Try to take care of yourselves as best as possible.I like the DID website called discussing dissociation (I'm not sure if I am allowed to mention another wesite here as a resource. I mention it in case it helps.

 

[Keen]

Sometimes just reaching out, speaking or typing the confusion or hurt, can help. Good job doing that!

 

[shimmerz]

Have ou identified your triggers for these parts @Muttly?

 

[Muttly]

@CelticHarp thanks for the thoughts, reminder to ground, and mention of the website. It has some good, DID centered stuff.

@shimmerz - Ok, triggers

For the little one
scary men (which seems to include Trump)- I realize scary men is vague. Maybe that means angry men
Guns
Anger in general
Being told what we are feeling isn't real
reminders of the physical abuse we experienced
body pain/injuries/sickness that isn't care for
the foo (family of origin) contacting us.
body feels - I guess they are flashbacks (does that count as a trigger)

For the shameful part
anything sex related
being super tired
feeling defeated/hopeless
feeling unclean
our nightmares (does that count as a trigger?)

for the emo part
feeling defeated/hopeless
feeling misunderstood
other parts being triggered (hard to explain)
contact from the foo
interactions with people who some insiders say are dangerous and other insiders feel obligated to be friendly with (ok, that may be vague but it is the best I can describe)
feeling out of control

And somewhere on this list I feel like we should put therapy. I mean, it's not always triggering it's just lately they have been telling more and we aren't always coping well after the fact. How crappy is it reasonable to feel after therapy?

I think making that list was helpful although I'm not sure all of those count as triggers.

Right now, we are exhausted. We had a night of nightmares. we haven't managed to shower for days and feel dirty. Some parts may also be feeling defeated. The body is in a lot of pain. We had therapy yesterday. We are struggling to hold it together. Whine whine whine.