Undiagnosed Not Sure How I Fit. (lost A Parent In An Accident)

[Porcupine]

Hello,
38 year old here who lost a parent in a car accident in February. My mother was killed and father injured and is still recouping. I have no idea if I am just going through grief or if there is more to it. Everyone else seems to have moved past it or are working towards that end, but not me. Not sure how to dive in here so i just will.

I'm terrified to drive. I white knuckle the wheel. The accident happened on a two lane rd and was a head on.I feel like a zombie. I cant concentrate. I have trouble making eye contact even with my wife. My expectations for tomorrow are gone, I feel like time will not exist if I think too far ahead. I cant get excited for events coming up. If I stop and try to relax I relive the counselor on the phone telling me "they want to talk to me about my mom" It just plays on a loop. I had to tell my dad about mom. He was in the ER and I had to tell him his wife of 50 years is dead. Just typing that I have trouble breathing. I had a bout for a week where I panicked when I wasn't in he same room with my loved ones. Part of my mind assumed they were dead or just gone into the ether. That got better but I am still terrified of my phone. Everytime it rings I just relive the calls.

The Idea of my mom meeting a violent end. The idea of my dad looking at her in the 3 hours he was trapped in the car. ugh.... I feel I need to instantly distract myself of those thoughts. Its embarrassing because even my dad seems to be accepting this better then me. To top it off the accident happened a few days before my birthday. that shouldn't make that huge of a difference but it did.

I hid almost all of this. I am a strong person. I am know for that, I stay calm when bad things happen and am always there for others when they need help. I have been told that when I cry or start to get upset visibly its hard for people to watch because its so unexpected of me. I did have one public breakdown at the hospital but people left me alone, My family just looked at me and walked away. they didn't know how to help as I slid my back down the wall and fell into a lump of tears. Thankfully a good friend came over cried with me. Nobody mentioned it afterward. Later I had a relative apologize and say she had never seen me cry like that, and they had been looking to me to keep them together. If fell they all fell she said. Thats too much pressure.

The day of the accident. I made most of the calls (family, friends, even the social media news). My siblings live so far away that I have been the main care giver for dad and have been handling all of the administrative aspects. I don't mind that in itself, but I think it has hurt me and delayed my dealing with this.

I run my own business but had to put it all on hold for months while I helped. Now that things are settled (supposedly) I still cant work. Not effectively. I am making mistakes all day long. Drop things, can't focus. Feel detached in a way. Its scary. A friend mentioned the other day how I am swearing more and seem less guarded in what I say. I told him my filter wore off.

I will say this. I am very aware of it. And I am not worried about harming myself or others. I am in enough control for that. I just miss my life. I miss feeling safe and I miss being able to think.

I have no clue if this is just grief as usual or more then. I had a friend suggest I look into PTSD because he has experience with that and says in a way it seems familiar.

 

[xena21]

First I want to say I am sorry for your loss, though I know that must sound redundant at this point. I was very moved by your account of your life though. I think you came to the right place to look for answers. I think it would also be good to talk to a therapist that deals with grief and loss if you haven't already so.

As for PTSD, I'm no therapist or anyone to diagnose you, but it is possible to be traumatized by something as horrible as you have described. Certainly it sounds like more than a lot of people could bare. You sound like you stuff a lot of emotions to be the "strong" one for everyone else. That can take a toll on anyone. It can have a negative effect for sure and in addition to the responsibilities of caring for your Dad...its just so much for you to handle right now. I can't imagine the pressure you feel, but my advice would be to get a therapist just to talk about these questions you have.

Also keep posting and see what advice others give. There are so many gifted and helpful people on this site. I will be thinking of you and hoping the best.

 

[seedling]

Welcome Porcupine. I'm sorry for what you've been through.

I'm glad you had a friend to see you through the tears. Not sure why anyone would expect you to bear that kind of pain silently so everyone else feels better. She was your mother. And sometimes things happen that overwhelm our coping skills. Being strong in the face of emergency can work well in many situations. This situation requires something different.

I think it would be good to see someone that can help you with the emotions you are experiencing. You can be tested for PTSD.

I hope your Dad is improving every day. Take care.

 

[Chava]

I'm very sorry for your loss and what you're going through. There is easily something traumatic about these kinds of losses, especially someone like a close family member. A young cousin of mine died in a crash. She was so young, but just that way of going feels so unresolved...like it hangs out there, waiting for a re-do or a better ending.

While I don't know how far we can compare grief responses it's good you're taking note of signs of great stress, like the hyper-vigilence and eye contact. And all of that would make it very understandably difficult to heal. I'd ditto above comment about considering finding a therapist who specializes in trauma and/or grief and loss...some extra support to help you through this really difficult loss. I'm very new to this forum but it also seems like a helpful place for supports and ideas for stress and grounding as well. And keep up the awareness that can help, too, like trying consciously to stay "connected" even if it neans working fr just a little more eye contact with your wife. Maybe not everyone and that's fine. I consciously work on making eye contact with my therapist and a couple close friends because it helps pull me out of a frozen sort of far-away or cut off place. It will take time but I think it's great you're reaching out for extra help/support.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi, and welcome to the forum.

Please seek out the help of a professional who is specialized in trauma. In addition to PTSD, there is also something called Traumatic Grief. You appear to have a great grief component as well, so I think it is important that it be addressed as part of your treatment. Not everyone who is trained to treat PTSD will know how to help you deal with the grief component.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry that you are struggling so much, but I think that you have valid reasons for struggling. You've been through a lot. I have been the strong one in my family through times of grief, but it doesn't help me grieve. All those years of keeping it in did not pay off. Try to allow yourself permission to not be strong all the time and get out all the pain. I agree with the recommendations of seeking out a therapist. It will give you a place to grieve and someone to help guide you through this.

 

[intothelight]

@Porcupine Welcome to the forum!

I am sorry for your loss and the struggle that you are experiencing. It would be a good idea to seek the advice of a mental health professional as no one here can provide a definitive answer and what you are experiencing could be diagnosed as a variety of things. However, regardless of the diagnosis, get the help you need so that you can find some peace.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)