Paranoid Thoughts, Emdr, Feeling Defeated.

[Babybear4]

I am new here and feeling really lost. 3 separate therapists have said this is PTSD, 2 psychs have said bipolar (though that was pre-breakdown). Current therapists thinks OCD.

I think the hardest part is not knowing. I feel I am constantly searching my brain for a lost memory. I go back to places and question my own actions. Did I harm somebody and forget that I did it and now, it's tormenting me? Did somebody I trust harm me and I can't remember? Am I going to harm my children? What if I did something and remember and then lose everything? What if I don't protect my children and get them taken from me? What if, what if, what if.

I'm doing EMDR but I am afraid it's going to cause me to remember something I've buried that will, in turn, cause me to lose everything or t least some of the things that are important to me. Yesterday was a rough session and the first one that hit on my original breakdown. Now, I am suddenly back into irrational thoughts. Is this normal?

I just...I can't keep doing this. I am a good person and to question myself in the ways that I am is...devastating, to say the least, I never would do/would have done the things I am suddenly irrationally believing I may have been capable of. My therapist says that is catastrophising (sp?). Anybody know anything about this?

I want out but not in a suicidal way. I want life, I want to live. I want to watch my children grow up, I want to have a marriage that revolves around us, not me and my problems. I want the happiness that I once had, I want to watch my kids wrestle with their dad without feeling like they are doing something dangerous that will get them taken from me. I want them to run around naked, carefree if they so desire without me feeling like it's wrong or inappropriate. I want to have the energy to get up and get my kids out of the house, to play with them, hike, go on adventures. I want friends.

Sorry for the rambling. I'm just feeling so alone.

 

[Seasounds]

Hello, Babybear4! Diagnosis, marriage, kids-it sounds like you are under a lot of stress-no fun at all! Your senses and perceptions seem good to me. You are noticing when and where you are uncomfortable. Use that knowledge to create decisions and boundaries that make you comfortable. That has helped me, in times like yours. I hope you find useful support on this site.

In times like yours, it helped me to stop any activities that I wasn't sure were helping, like EMDR, and it helped to slow down, in general. For me, finding a 20 year experienced psychiatrist, who was willing to work at MY SPEED, that I truly liked and trusted, helped immensely. A person can have many diagnosis; a good psychiatrist or psychologist, with your help, can formulate a treatment plan.

Your husband may be playing with you kids in a manner that you don't think is appropriate. Take action: if you speak to the professional (Lawyer or MSW) first, you may not lose your kids.You may have to chose: your children or husband?

Can you connect with safe friends, during this time?

 

[Abstract]

Hi Babybear. Welcome.

I think I am understanding that you have no memory of anything traumatic happening and are obsessing about what it could have been. Is that correct?

I never would do/would have done the things I am suddenly irrationally believing I may have been capable of.

You mention in another part of your post the possibility of having harmed someone. What made you think of this and what does your therapist say about this? Fear about having harmed someone etc is a very common OCD obsession.

What are the indications of PTSD that you have?

 

[digger]

Can you elaborate a bit on why three therapists have said you have PTSD? It seems from your post that you don't think there has been any trauma? Apologies if I've misread.

 

[Babybear4]

I was molested as a small child by a neighbor, though I don't know that that is what is causing the symptoms I have. I am also beginning to figure out some things about my family that I never wanted to realize before (addiction, mostly). My mom has terminal lung cancer that recently went to the brain and likely contributes a lot to the breakdown I had.

A little over a year ago, I saw some really disturbing images and heard about a case of parent/child sexual abuse the same day. The next day, I had a complete breakdown that left me on the floor of the shower unable to pull myself together. Immediately following, I began to question whether people that I trusted (mostly husband and myself) were harming or wanting to harm my children sexually. Even typing all of that out brings that panic right back to the surface.

As far as choosing between my husband and children, that's not at all where I am at. There is nothing that is not appropriate and if I were to perpetuate that idea, I would only being feeding my anxiety and letting it further take over my life. My children need normal things in their life, like playing with their dad. I can't let my anxiety hinder them. My husband fully respects where I am at but has set healthy boundaries for himself when it comes to being told what to do based on irrational thoughts of mine. He still supports me greatly but his main role is the help keep life normal for the kids when it feels like it's falling apart for me. I think when I talked about losing my kids, it was misunderstood, what I meant is that I have an irrational fear that other people will perceive things as abusive and take them, when that isn't what's happening. I even look at my house and often tell myself that if CPS knocked on our door today, they would take my children based on how messy my house is (and really, it's not messy). Or if they have a cavity, then I'm afraid the dentist will call CPS for us not brushing their teeth good enough. So it's not that I am afraid that my husband will take them from me, it's that I'm afraid that virtually any action will get them taken from both of us.

Even typing that makes me feel like somebody will report it to CPS.

I am also starting to get paranoid about hitting and killing a pedestrian while I am driving. It just seems like a never ending cycle. When I can get a grip on one thing, another one pops up. And all of them result in me loosing my family. If I were to hit and kill somebody, even by accident, I'd lose my mind and possibly be put in jail, so i would lose my kids that way. I just...it never ends. And my biggest fear is if the irrational becomes the rational in my head.

 

[Seasounds]

@Babybear4, thanks for clarifying. I misunderstood; I'm happy to hear you trust your husband.

From what you shared, PTSD is reasonable. Sometimes OCD and Bipolar diagnosis co-exist with PTSD. Memories pop open and are overwhelming, especially at first. Like you are indicating, it will be good to get help, to help you manage the memories, and to help you feel safe, while going about your daily life.

I've experienced that EMDR therapists don't always notice when the sessions are 'too much'. Trust your gut, and if needed, speak up to them and let them know that the sessions may be bringing up more anxiety than you can manage. An experienced therapist may offer a break of EMDR and offer verbal, process, integrative work.

I think Abstract offers good thoughts and questions.

 

[Abstract]

I think change has a good point. PTSD, OCD and Bipolar often co exist. You mentioned this T thinks this is about OCD. Does she still take your previous trauma seriously and take that into account too?

an irrational fear that other people will perceive things as abusive and take them, when that isn't what's happening.

I think this is so normal considering your childhood experiences.

It really does sound like OCD has taken your past and is running away with things and holding you hostage. What occurred to me is whether anyone has taught you new coping skills and emotional tolerance skills. Have you done that? OCD tends to be an attempt to cope with terrible anxiety and difficult feelings. To feel you have some control over them. The problem is that it doesn't work and is a slippery slope. The more you do it the more you need and the more the consequences and repercussions of the compulsions and obsessions. It adds pain and shame and fear onto pain and shame and fear and is very addictive. In order to stop we normally need something to replace it. And the really important thing is to get to a stable enough place to process the trauma so that all those emotions become more manageable.

my biggest fear is if the irrational becomes the rational in my head.

I know that feeling! You do know your thoughts have no foundation and that is why it is not a delusion. There is no reason that it should become one.

Is this T a trauma therapist?

 

[Hashi]

Hi Babybear4, welcome to the forum.

I have OCD together with PTSD and I understand what you say about the effect on your life. I think both you and your husband have a really good perspective on not fuelling ithe obsessive thoughts. But you're still living with this, and it's a terrible thing to live with - like you say, not really living life at all.

Have you told your therapist the concerns you've expressed here about EMDR possibly bringing up something you wouldn't be able to cope with? And that irrational thoughts came up after your session working on the breakdown? If so, what had your therapist said or suggested?

I'm also wondering what your therapist's training and experience are. Trauma? OCD?

I've made a lot of progress with both OCD and PTSD. You can get to the other side and get better. To do that, there's no way but through, unfortunately. I hope being on the forum will help you with that, together with the other things you're doing.

 

[Joseph Sean]

Hi all,

First and foremost this site is such a safe haven. I suffered from mother to son incest, an abusive father whom I love no matter what with c PTSD who died when I was 13 and a half brother whom many can comfortably state he has anti social personality disorder. But we all obviously due joining this site have similar//or equitable trauma; either PTSD or c PTSD. So my love for you ALL!!!!

I'm 24 and just started EMDR. I've been diagnosed with depression, bi-polar, Intermittent explosive disorder, ADHD, generalized anxiety disorder etc. and after (with profound shame) admitted the abuse of my mother, most if not all diagnoses were taking off the table immediately and replaced with.c PTSD. As a patient and not a doctor, this. by no means constitutes radical beliefs that all diagnoses are incorrect and just bad childhood symptoms, just my experience.

As an analogy: I believe our trauma was/is suffering, and EMDR pain; almost so painful it is worth the suffering. EMDR was the first out of body experience I've ever had, I felt dissociated feeling things I can't describe change. And despite the prevalence of my dark, dark, dark anger at my mother. I cried uncontrollably over the grief of my father for the first time....in the doctor's bathroom for 45 minutes straight. Went to a friends and kept crying and yelling how I'd do anything for 5 min ties just to hold my dad. That. Was a first and probably my first cathartic moment of my life besides 7 years of sobriety

If one doesn't feel ready for the abstract, surreal nature of EMDR, I urge as a fellow survivor, no pressure. But if there is that inner voice hiding, yet screaming behind the constant "I hate myself" "I'm sorry, I'm sorry for living", "don't reject me"etc. that says to you, you are ready to embark what may be the 'not the cure' but the actual and to me, preferred gift of feeling normal, PLEASE TRY THIS.

My doctor said the symptoms WILL GET WORSE, sometime better immediately, but frequently for c PTSD, worse and better, like a huge roller coaster. I have called friends preaching the genius of this magical treatment. But now I've urinated 22 times out of OCD fear due to trauma and have preached within "I hate myself". I hope what I'm saying is helpful, I hope I don't offend people here. But if you have doubts. PLEASE HOLD ON TIGHT.

The actual results that are hands down true and not placebo have been now in 3 sessions, which we planti do 8-12 based off finances; hopefully more if needed.

The benefit is have actually been.

I'm a concerto classical pianist and composer and am FINISHING MY WORK!
I have been a lot more social.
I live in NYC, and after a maximum of 9 days hiding in my room at my (I pray bottom), take the subway without fear of derailment constantly.
My rage, which has gotten me into legal trouble, fired, expelled from school, lost friends etc. is from 10 to a 7.
I can see the color grey. Not just black and white (splitting).

I believe this too shall pass. That is a true, not a cliche.

As other people in our situation. I say honestly. Have a good night and I love you.

Regards,

Sean O'Rourke

Queens, NY