Partner regularly forgets triggers... what do i do?

[EveHarrington]

So what you’re saying is that you’d sacrifice your ENTIRE life just to not upset him by breaking up with him?

Do you realize what you’re saying?

 

[skt92]

So what you’re saying is that you’d sacrifice your ENTIRE life just to not upset him by break...

That's not what I meant, but it did read that way. After rereading the thread and processing all the advice I've gotten here and from friends (and my own), I actually think what I said earlier was just out offal place of desperation and codependency.

I know that I can't change a person to be a certain way. I know that I'm going to get triggered sometimes, no matter what. That's what coping skills are for, that's what therapy is for, that what setting boundaries is for.

I am terrified to break up with him - because of his reaction and how he'll react afterwards - but I also know that he likes to drink. It relaxes him. Most days it's just a glass of wine before bed, but on the weekends or at happy hour with friends it can get excessive. And I know that I am not uncomfortable being around that. I've put on a facade so that he's having fun when we go out with friends, but it drains me and stresses me out.

I can't expect him to change his comforting habits to fully accommodate to me. That's not fair to either of us.

I don't know when - tomorrow, over the weekend, next week - but I think I'll end things before this month is over. I feel ready to move on from this

 

[420kitty]

I leave. If they don't care enough to remember what terrifies me at times then f*** them too. :)

 

[grit]

I am really sorry you have this relationship. It sounds painful.
I also think (pure opinion here), your triggers are just as big and as important as his drinking issues. One way you can do well for yourself is not to date a person who drinks (rather than police for how much and how often) and one way for him to do well is not to drink (or date a similar drinker). This alone says this not about triggers or drinking but two wrong people get together at the wrong time.

It is already hard enough as it is to heal from childhood issues or PTSD, it is another to be in the fire and hope for snow.

What are you gaining from this?

 

[skt92]

I ended the relationship earlier this week.

 

[DharmaGirl]

How do you feel now? Going forward, do you have a plan in place for your next relationship coping with triggers? Maybe it's a good idea not to have a relationship until you have a better control of your triggers. Just my opinion, take what is meaningful and throw out the rest.:)

 

[blackemerald1]

Yeah I agree^^ with @DharmaGirl - have a rest from relationships if you can and work on those triggers and stressors. Relationships are stressful even when they are great.

Given that alcohol consumption and even excessive consumption is quite common I would be careful about doing the same thing again.

You don't mention what the other triggers were aside from excessive alcohol consumption but while you are looking to avoid things I would be thinking about what is really practical and what is not.

Feeling unsafe in a relationship is not really optional.

I think you did the right thing for yourself even if it was for the wrong reasons ie avoidance of triggers.

 

[grit]

I do not agree you should not date until you have your triggers under control. I think you should date if you want but learn how to stand up for yourself if the situation is not optimal for safety and for health.

 

[EveHarrington]

I do not agree you should not date until you have your triggers under control. I think you should date if...

True... Because for some of us that would be saying you have to go against your own morals in order to fix your triggers ie sleeping around in order to fix your sexual triggers as opposed to healing triggers in a safe relationship. Just an example, but trying to say that not all triggers can be fixed or even controlled before getting into a relationship.

 

[blackemerald1]

in order to fix your triggers ie sleeping around in order to fix your sexual triggers as opposed to healing triggers in a safe relationship.

What? Please explain what you mean...I don't understand..

 

[DharmaGirl]

you should not date until you have your triggers under control.

No one said that. I said a better control of your triggers and @blackemerald1 said have a rest until you can work on triggers and stressors. They were just suggestions. I don't think anyone can have complete control, but I also think that you can reduce a lot of them.

Because for some of us that would be saying you have to go against your own morals in order to fix your triggers ie sleeping around

I don't think that is your only option. You don't have to have sex with your therapist in order to heal triggers associated with sexual trauma. I have found that taking a break after a relationship is helpful with my healing, and better understand my triggers and stressors, and was making a suggestion.

 

[EveHarrington]

No one said that. I said a better control of your triggers and @blackemerald1 said...

It was just an example... I’ll share one of my personal triggers. I flash back when penetrated. It is a VERY specific feeling in a very specific part of my body. This is what I mean by not being able to heal all triggers or even being able to work on triggers outside of a relationship. (Yes, it’s penetration by a partner, not by objects so “practicing” doesn’t cut it.) I have other intimate partner-specific/human specific triggers as well.