Parts That Want Us Dead

[Tinyflame]

Yikes, whole new meaning to Suicide Squad.

Thanks @BlueOrange . :hug:

 

[shimmerz]

I teach myself how to do, regardless of what headspace I'm in.

Yeah, I totally get what you are saying. My shaman reminded me over and over again to work on stuff when I was 'well' to really get at it. At first it was next to impossible, because I had these walls up that seem impenetrable. I am guessing that was my fragmentation at play. The cool thing is, is that as I worked and worked on it to bring this stuff into my - I'm going to call it common head space - the easier it was to deal when I wasn't just in a fragmented part.

lol. No idea if that makes sense to anyone else but me.

I think the problem with this particular issue (the ditch diving/broiling one) is that it is so based in primal somatic stuff that I haven't been able to form any type of rationality to it before it happens. And when I try to bring it into my common head space, I trigger into the somatic response immediately. There doesn't seem to be a gap.

That being said, the cliff diving was never something I acted on (obviously, or I wouldn't be here typing). So perhaps I can exploit the gap there and chip away at it. Thanks for the reminder of this.

 

[shimmerz]

Inside or outside of you? I mean, are there outside circumstances putting you in danger, or is the danger in not knowing how to cope with the circumstances?

Good question. It seems to be a perfect storm. My internal landscape is causing a major vulnerability. The major vulnerability is that I cannot support myself. While I cannot support myself I cannot keep myself safe (I rely on others). Others generally burn out around me. So I always seem to be scanning the environment to see when they have had enough (and I misread this, I am sure) so that I am not blindsided when it does happen. Prepared, you know?

So it is both internal and external. But it is real. My current T (who relies on CBT mainly as a modality), says 'well, you worry about that when it happens.'

No. Because when it happens this death part will be heavily activated and there will be no clear (or foggy even) cognition. Just primal somatic stuff. And she seems to believe that death becomes her. In all honesty, the only reason I am alive is because people have been babysitting me - saving me from myself. This part means business.

 

[shimmerz]

anxiety and shame are also very strong candidates.

True. I also believe that a perceived life or death double bind can trigger it as well. Or a part that has frozen into an experience where she/he felt there was no way out but self annihilation. And it replays and it replays and it replays.

(including a kind of 'homicidal intent' towards another part).

Towards another part or for the good of the 'squad'? This is more the feeling I get in my circumstance. I just think this part doesn't actually understand the consequences of her actions. She is terror struck and just needs what she needs in, what she believes, is the moment. To get away.

 

[BlueOrange]

Lots of possibilities. The thing that seems right to you is probably the thing that is right for you.

 

[NatBird]

Yes, we have a part like that and have worked a lot with our T. Our experience is a lot what JEKBreathea...

@Muttly thanks for your post, particularly highlighting that the part wanting death is often disconnected from the body and doesn't understand the full implications. I'm going to walk with this.

 

[sun seeker]

So I always seem to be scanning the environment to see when they have had enough (and I misread this, I am sure)

Yes. You do. I understand why, but yes.

'well, you worry about that when it happens.'

Hmm. Just how experienced is he in working with trauma? I wouldn't find that very helpful.

I have another question for you. The part that wants to die - does she decide this on her own in response to (perceived) threat, or are there other parts that tell her what to do? Can you look around inside yourself and find out? Because how you work on this could be very different in those two scenarios.

 

[shimmerz]

does she decide this on her own in response to

Yes.

 

[sun seeker]

Hmm. Okay. Does she know she has a body?

 

[shimmerz]

Does she know she has a body?

Yes, or I think she wouldn't run. She doesn't realize though, I think, that her body is important.

 

[sun seeker]

Okay. Actually, let's try looking at that another way... does she realize she is now living in an adult body? Does she know that if she died, so would the body? Does she understand the connection?

I remember that last time we were working on this, you had the idea of wearing sparkly jewelry that she would notice. I'm thinking that maybe, if she noticed the jewelry, she would also notice the body it was on and that might help YOU come back into your body in the present.

Can you get yourself some jewelry?

 

[shimmerz]

Can you get yourself some jewelry?

Yes, I have jewelry. I am finding essential oils are helping with that too. Thank you for the reminder.