Past Event That Still Hangs Over My Head

[Amcam]

When I was a 17 year old girl who had never had sex nor had the intention to at the time, I was pressured into having sex with my sister's boyfriend. We were driving around, he was going to take me home but he started driving aimlessly in the vineyards. He asked to have sex, I told him it wasn't right to my sister. He kept asking and trying to flatter me. After half an hour, I broke down and saw it as doing him a favor for being nice to me. It was not what I wanted. I was not ready.

I hated the experience. I felt dirty and ashamed and sick. The guilt and dirty feeling led to my self harming. My disorder spiraled out of control after that my mental state fell apart. For years I only blamed myself and was only angry at myself. If I had just put my foot and said "no" and ordered him to take me home!
I feel like that event had made me into bad, impure person. I feel like my sister will always secretly hate me for it (I did end up telling her). I feel like no matter what I do in life I will never be redeemed and I will always be judged badly for it. Only recently, have started feeling anger towards him.

I'm am turning 27 in a few days and though the feeling of guilt has let up quite a bit and my mental state is much better, but I feel like I will always carry the weight of that event.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

Are you feeling this was sexual assault and that's why it's so hard to let go? Or are you feeling guilty because he was dating your sister? If it's the latter, you are 27, think back at how young 17 is and how many dreadful mistakes we all make in our youth. Be forgiving of yourself. If you were my sister and I knew you still felt remorse I would be heartbroken. You don't need to crucify yourself over this at all. I ask if this feels like sexual assault because that often leads us to feeling a lot of self blame. It's really important to forgive yourself for whatever your roll was that night. He was way too pushy. Boys/men need to learn that their persistence feels intimidating to most young women and girls will often cave in without it actually being consensual. Caving in under duress is not consent. You should want sex as much as he does. I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

[Amcam]

Are you feeling this was sexual assault and that's why it's so hard to let go? Or are you feeling guilty...

You know I did a lot of thinking over the years and it did seem like sexual assault, but even now it's hard to say. He kept asking and begging. He drove around and kept trying to convince me. I told him it wasn't right and I didn't want to, but he kept asking. For years I have only felt guilt for what I would say was all my fault.

But it has only been since last year that I felt anger towards him. He should have respected my wishes and took me home like he was supposed to. He should have never even proposed such a disgusting thing. I wish I never met him. I am not sure why it took so long, but I finally do feel angry. I feel like at its core I feel regret, guilt, and anger. I am angry that I didn't stand strong and demand that he take me home and put him in his place and I am mad that he would take advantage of me and feel no remorse for cheating on my sister.

 

[Friday]

That's regret & remorse for ya, stings like a bitch or hurts like a motherf*cker, depending. For good reason. Not the least of which is what happens when we break our own values (as opposed to the feeling of freedom that happens when we break what we think are our own values, only to find out they're a cage of someone else's). All the results of our actions aside, breaking our own values is a very hard lesson to learn in 'Don't.'

I've done a lot of things in my life I'm not proud of. Including hurting people I love. And, yeah, that weight will always be there. Some weights we grow out of quickly, they're easy burdens. Others take growing a lot stronger in order to be able to shift them at all, much less with ease.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

I've also had a guy wear me down with begging with insistence for sex when I was a virgin and it did have a very 'rapey' vibe and I felt horrible after. I gave in but didn't want to. I was a virgin and not turned on at all so even though I said yes he just couldn't get in there so eventually he quit trying and brought me home. I felt so awful after that. I felt assaulted even though he wasn't forceful...but he was not letting up, unrelenting pressure. There is a forum for rape and sexual assault called 'after silence' and they are undeniably clear when they call this type of coercion, rape.

I soon after had a pretty violent rape that's caused my PTSD and from my perspective, the first experience created tremendous internal conflict and self disgust, but the overt violent rape felt less self blame and more shock and panic and desperation that brought on PTSD.

Both are quite unfortunate. It's very hard being a young female. It's like being a walking target.

 

[Gs172003]

It doesn't have to be violent to be wrong. If the guy wore you down to the point you said yes and would give in then you didn't consent, you gave up. However when violence is involved you also have to fear for your life. Nobody should have to deal with EITHER.

 

[Amcam]

That's regret & remorse for ya, stings like a bitch or hurts like a motherf*cker, depending. For good re...

Yes definitely good points. My offenses up until that point were so small and then out of nowhere I do THAT and now I am a adulterer. I thought I would NEVER do anything like that in my whole life. It really did go against my core values and that's why it shook me up so badly. I cannot tell you the number of times I so desperately wished I could back and stop it from happening.

It doesn't have to be violent to be wrong. If the guy wore you down to the point you said yes and w...

Yes, you are right. It took years to see that what he did was very wrong and that it wasn't ordinary consensual sex.

 

[Friday]

now I am a adulterer

It may not matter to you at all... But definitions are important to me.

Adultery is the breaking of vows, the most solemn promise one can make, to another person & before god; breaking your oaths & betraying your spouse. In a closed marriage, one enters into those vows forsaking all others, from that day forward. It's not a decision to be made lightly, IMO. But lightly or with gravitas, it's a conscious decision to make that commitment to another person.

At 17, unless you were already married, it doesn't sound like you had made that commitment?

Yes, you both betrayed your sister, and you hurt someone you love (sounds like he didn't love her)... But that's different from committing adultery. Still in the realm of bad, but not breaking of vows, a married person having sex with someone who is not their spouse aka adultery, bad.