Perfectionism

[ILoveLife]

I'm doomed!!!! This is not an apocalyptic post, that would be not perfect.

@Sophy caught a huge problem in my diary - something I've been avoiding discussing here, because you're all so insightful and that scares me when the issue is serious :bag:

So, basically I'm to be perfect.
The dysfunction is so big that I'll be perfect if I fail, and I'll be perfect if I don't fail.

I was such a huge failure that the people around me just assumed "Well, let's just assume she's the perfect chaos and think of her as perfect as a mess and as perfect as not a mess".

This seems supportive, but it's not.
On the "perfect mess" side is failure to finish school, not being able to work on Excell (I've heard this one, not making it up), and particularly I suppose the perfect mental breakdown. I'm even the perfect schizophrenic patient - even though I don't have schizophrenia! So, now I'm the perfect mental health patient (docs have said this to me).

On the perfect other side, there's ability to thrive despite all odds.
So I feel like failing on purpose, but that would be stupid for me and my future, so I thrive against all odds :banghead:

How to let go of this?
Oh my god, I feel so perfect :meh:

Can I just assume the answer is acceptance and deal with the issue at hand in other ways? If I hear I'll have to perfectly accept myself, with all my perfect flaws, I swear I'll scream and you'll hear me in the US.

Thanks and sorry.

 

[Abstract]

Hi @Sietz!
I don't really understand! :-/ Can you please explain more to not very perfect me? ;)

Actually I have a history of issues with perfectionism. But more of that when I understand the issue here.

Are you saying that whatever you do when it comes to mental health you do it text book style? Are you saying people labelled you and accepted you as was but rigidly within that label? Are you saying you feel compelled to do whatever you are presently doing perfectly. Do you have more usual perfectionism issues like needed to do things well and finding that is interspersed with procrastination.

No need to be sorry. Thats what here is for. x

 

[ladee]

This to me, is simple, but not easy. Perfection is an illusion. There is not such thing. And we have no one perfect as a role model, because they do not exist. Break that down how it works for you.

 

[ILoveLife]

@Abstract there's this idea in the people around me (family essentially) that we all have to be perfect, or appear perfect.
So, in their minds, to be able to cope with me not playing along with it, everything I do or am - good or bad - has to be done perfectly.

In my mind and life that doesn't exist, but the pressure to succeed despite it is there - which makes it so either way I turn, I'm playing their game.

 

[Abstract]

@Sietz claustrophobic! How does that work with the mental health stuff? Is it that you are to be perfect at recovery? Always look perfect despite it?!

 

[ILoveLife]

Well yeah, and if I'm not perfect there's a backlash and blame, although that's better now that I've put some boundaries.

Got a hug yesterday ;)

 

[Deleted member 47099]

It sounds like your family is maybe heavily into "roles".

Everyone has a certain role and has to stick to that role and perfect it?

And if you can't stick to your original role, you're given the role of addict/ mentally unwell?

Or the role of "recovering"?

Sounds like maybe your family is scared of complexity and genuineness and chaos, and by trapping each person in a role, that's a way to control life's madness?

Not sure tho, just trying to make semi-educated guesses :)

 

[Abstract]

It also sounds from your first post that they spin whatever you do regardless of its "bad" or good. So label it in a positive she and therefore our family is perfect way. ?

 

[Rani G2]

Yo @Sietz

I might hear your scream over here, perfectly. Please Do if it could be off Track

Trying to scratch off the surface to get to a base. Maybe the wrong base, so I’m waiting to hear your scream :) So there is a superior idea of what perfection should be based on your family who is portraying these characteristics in order to fulfill that certain idea of perfection. It feels like there is this agreement that doesn’t even have to be spoken out loud, it’s always seen in action and people absorb it and pass over.. until someone catches themselves in this dynamic wondering who is dictating these rules/judgements and so on?
Your question was how to get out? So I was thinking, in whose eyes Do you want to see those expectations validated? Validated = having enough value also. In a larger context you being a part of that family socialisation and breaking it down to your mother/father/siblings/you interactions.


Just an idea.. if this is completely off track just throw off. Take care @Sietz :) Do I have to use ear Plugs now.?

 

[ILoveLife]

It sounds like your family is maybe heavily into "roles".

Depends on the part of the family.
On father's side there's We Are Definitely All Perfect issue, and I'm the scapegoat. So yeah, roles.
On mother's side there's the We Need to Appear Perfect Even Though We're Not issue and not exactly roles.

Worse on father's side, but I'm handling it well.
Shitty on mother's side, but I haven't allowed that crap to touch me, it's more of what Abstract says below:

So label it in a positive she and therefore our family is perfect way. ?

^^^This exactly.
Everything I do is spinned to be positive and perfect, otherwise it woudn't fit in the Family Agenda.

Do you want to see those expectations validated?

Parts of me do, parts of me want to run away, parts of me don't care.
Confusing. Ugh.

breaking it down to your mother/father/siblings/you interactions.

This is actually what I do. Totally agree with you on this.
It's exhausting though.

 

[blackemerald1]

@Sietz - I'm still a little lost. Are you saying that good or bad you must reach perfection?

If so, who says so? You? Them? When did you decide that your happiness and their happiness or unhappiness is dependent on you being perfect?

Sorry .. is this what you mean?

 

[ILoveLife]

Be, it's mostly the appearance of perfection. The fight against actually being perfect is fine with me, I know I'm not.

For instance, the demand around me that I always look happy. I have to always be chipper, cracking jokes, can't be on a bad mood, can't be sad, if I am sad or in a bad mood I'm asked if I'm taking my meds/working hard enough in therapy/doing things right, etc.

Or the "excell at everything", like - I've heard so many times "You're strong enough to do it, you're intelligent enough to do it, etc" and then all this pressure, questions if I'm working hard enough, to the point where I had a panic attack the other day because I couldn't meet the appearance that I'm handling things right. So, I know I'm not perfect, still have to appear perfect at all times.

This is mostly what gets me, even though I have very little contact with my family.

I'm working through this.
The demands are behavioral, I have to be the perfect person or else I'm not acceptable or valid.

I've been told that my mother is intelligent, so I just have to be brilliant to succeed and I internalized this so much, it's ridiculous.

It basically connects to the intergenerational trauma thing of being treated like shit if we don't keep up appearances.
I've had a psychotic episode where I publicly outted all my family secrets lol Shit that's none of my business anyway, so I apologized after I was well. Since then, everything I do *is already perfect* and the demands are that *I'm to excell at everything* so that I still fit the family's narrative of appearance of perfection, so in that way, no matter what happens to me, I'll always do it perfectly.

It's complicated.