Perfectionism

[ILoveLife]

Not sure if it makes so much sense in this part of the family @ladee, since I'm not the scapegoat here. On this side, I'm to excell and I'm better than my mother, and I'm to be perfect regardless of what I do.

On the scapegoat part of the family, I will never be perfect, I'm a complete failure not deserving of their attention and affection.
That possibly helps with the whole thing, but it's not the whole story, just brings a paradoxical confusion, and hence why I have a relationship with the not-scapegoat part of the family and no relationship with the scapegoat part of the family.

I do know this makes very little sense. I'm sorry.

 

[MyWillow]

Makes perfect sense @Sietz :hug:

 

[ILoveLife]

Try it in little bits. She asks me to think about how I would stroke my dogs and cats and to just try that. She has been encouraging me for 6 months. And I’m only just getting comfortable with it.

Took me 8 months to trust in breathing exercises. You'll have to have patience with me on this one :roflmao:

 

[MyWillow]

Took me 8 months to trust in breathing exercises. You'll have to have patience with me on this one :roflmao:

Geez well I’m not even CLOSE to thinking that they are a good idea so well done!!!

 

[ILoveLife]

:laugh: Thanks! :)

You guys have been really helpful, thank you!
Made me think about this deeper, which I was kinda refusing to do.

 

[ladee]

No need to apologize Sietz, it is very confusing for you. Expectations to fail on one side, expectations to excel on the other. It is confusing for your brain.

I'm sorry they all have an agenda, and just can't see you for the woman you are . But that is why we are here, right? We only see each other and seems the rest of world just thinks we are robots to keep them ok with THEIR lives. Crazymaking.

Have you had this conversation with your mom? I will be so happy when you have your own space and don't have to relive your childhood over again like Groundhog Day. Sending you hugs of understanding.

 

[MyWillow]

You’re doing just fine. It doesn’t mean you ARE fine but that you are making progress.

Practice makes progress ;)

 

[Rani G2]

For instance, the demand around me that I always look happy. I have to always be chipper, cracking jokes, can't be on a bad mood, can't be sad, if I am sad or in a bad mood I'm asked if I'm taking my meds/working hard enough in therapy/doing things right, etc.

No need for me to repeat, because you already know, but I still felt like repeating

Family system appears to be like = a structure where every individual has its place and function, that what he/she represents/internalized/needs to be fulfilled in order to keep it always well balanced. If one person „breaks out“of that function the whole system is about to collapse (A bit overstated).
If you fluctuate I am fluctuating too which means others are forced to face their demons as well. Some people (Trying not to generalize here, and I am not telling yours are!) Would rather stay in a monotonous cycle in their well fitted cocoon rather than the Confrontation. This is painful and ugly.. and means work. „Please keep your skeletons well hidden, I don’t want to know of them, because this will be painful“ some are conscious of this, but it‘s too hard for them to encounter. So they keep spinning around...

You are Doing the work.. and you are intelligent because you see that Dynamic. You know that also, so I am just repeating. I guess working on that issue means once again making a shift from a cognitive ground to an emotional one, where those parts who have internalized that ideology of wanting to fulfill realizes that there is no need to Do that (Haha easily said that done) The responsibility you have taken over to protect someone else can also be handed over... not sure if this makes sense.

 

[ILoveLife]

Have you had this conversation with your mom?

Sort of. She says she doesn't demand perfection, but she demands behaviors. I wanted to tell her she isn't particularly anyone to demand anything from anybody else, and should just focus on her own behaviors ;) but I didn't want to stir up anything this early in the AM.

I will be so happy when you have your own space and don't have to relive your childhood over again like Groundhog Day. Sending you hugs of understanding.

Same.
:hug:

You’re doing just fine. It doesn’t mean you ARE fine but that you are making progress.

Thank you :hug:

Practice makes progress ;)

Aha! YES.

 

[ILoveLife]

HA PURUSHA. Thanks so much.
ok...

If one person „breaks out“of that function the whole system is about to collapse (A bit overstated).

Definitely. They've tried for years to spin me into the narrative, they never succeeded until they were confronted with the fact that my role is to stir up The Issues If They Want Me In The Family. If we're mentioning roles, that's mine. But to be quite honest, they're not happy with that - much rather in denial land than to ever deal with what They bring and brought forth, which is abuse, and it would only confirm the horrible truth of "being just like their parents". I do see all this, but I'm quiet in my corner just concocting an escape plan.

and I am not telling yours are!

You can though :D they are.

well fitted cocoon rather than the Confrontation. This is painful and ugly.. and means work.

Sooooo much this. And I'm like Confrontation Incarnated. I'm their worse nightmare.
Backlash? Fit in the narrative!

where those parts who have internalized that ideology of wanting to fulfill realizes that there is no need to Do that (Haha easily said that done) The responsibility you have taken over to protect someone else can also be handed over... not sure if this makes sense.

Yes, they say I behave like the savior and shouldn't but throw tantrums when I don't.
Will never win this particular battle and sure don't want to.

 

[ladee]

So, according to the family, all of them and thier opinions, you are a 'perfect f*ck-up'... and I love you just the way you are, today, this minute. So... maybe there will be a time to approach mom about this when you are more clear about what you want to say. And you are an adult, tho mom, apparently doesn't see you that way.

It's not right to expect 'behaviors' either.

I do admire and respect that you fight this battle in an environment of the very people who added to your trauma to begin with. I don't see how you do it, but you are still making huge progress Sietz, it's just so much harder than it has to be, not being heard. I'm sorry you don't have a safe place to heal. At least right now. Sending understanding hugs to you hon. :hug:'s

 

[Rani G2]

demand anything from anybody else, and should just focus on her own behaviors ;) but I didn't want to stir up anything this early in the AM.

You are a strong young Lady. ? You once mentioned you like symbols? Not sure...I thought of a symbolic ritual for yourself to get a healthy distance to your family cycle. You Dont participate in it, yet being a part of it also.. acknowledging your own process, and leaving the rest to others. As you know I am not a fan of spiritual stuff/ but then again who defines it? You could dance around a bonfire singing alleh luja..