Physical Pain And Sensations (internal)

[Chava]

I don't tolerate deep or internal pain. I'm not a total wimp because I could fly off my bike and be a bloodied mess and feel sort of :meh: about it. But a little cramp? :nailbiting::nailbiting::nailbiting::nailbiting:

My therapist tried to help me feel or imagine my spine (more internal). I got very spacey and the rest of the session was about getting back to normal. I feel like I'm tolerating sensations better. But I really only manage skin-deep.

Saying this because I tried to hold off taking another painkiller because of cramps. I'm well under my prescribed dose but want to need less because I sleep better when I don't take tramadol (gabapentin is all-around great but doesn't do a damn thing for the cramp pain). If I accidentally snip the tip of a finger off, it wouldn't be a problem. But internal pains (or any kind of sensation, though pain is the worst) is very challenging. I assume it feels more out of control. But also it calls attention to internal feelings. I find myself biting my hands (don't always notice it until I find bite marks on my hands). Tolerating the sensations and the unpredictability is a slow-going process.

I was numbed out for so many years from anorexia, which also eliminated cramp pains. I also developed endometriosis after recovering from anorexia, and while that seems better lately, I have a major aversion to feeling any of it...probably in part because I know it's a slipperly slope towards total scary meltdown if the pain isn't controlled.

I also have chronic back pain. I'm still not sure that there are direct links to trauma in these cases, though these pains trigger other body memories and meltdowns. I start feeling extremely trapped. I have a serious aversion to body sensations. The deeper, the worse it is. I'm working with a body psychotherapist and I think so far it's been very helpful for at least responding in better ways. My tolerance isn't super, but I don't get so triggered and end up burning myself or slipping back into anorexia to avoid it all. I'm also taking better care of myself so that the pain doesn't get so bad.

Anyone else have problems with internal sensations or tolerating them? What kinds of things help? One internal sensation I can feel and actually enjoy is sound vibration, so I'm trying to use that more to safely access ability to feel myself beyond a couple millimeters deep...my therapist lets me bring a tuning fork at that's been really helpful.

 

[jaccat]

I kind of get where you're coming from. I have trouble dealing with nausea and sickness. It comes from years of nightly vomiting as a child. I go to extreme lengths to avoid it now, because when it does happen I feel a mixture of fear and self loathing that takes me back to being very young. Cuts, bruises etc. I barely notice (sometimes I actually don't until someone else points it out to me).

Sound vibration sounds great. I also really like that- I've been to a few gigs where everyone else is jumping up and down and I go very still, feeling the vibrations through the floor. I look weird, but it makes me happy.

Other things I like- I like the feel of things. I can be very tactile, running my hands over surfaces, feeling the texture, the temperature, just concentrating on the sensation. I've always done that. Explore the world with your hands. It's only skin deep but perhaps it would help you to notice the way it makes you feel?

Also, just thinking out loud, what about taking hot baths and just noticing the change in your body temperature, not just your skin but right through? You could do the same in other situations- in the rain, swimming.

Using your other senses- taste, smell, hearing, just being mindful of what else they do to your body. Do you recognise when you feel full? How does that make you feel?

For me, sometimes I have to break things down to the way a baby would see them. With my food issues, for instance (and I'm not saying this would help you) when I try a new food I have to treat it just like a toddler would- touching it, playing with it, licking it, before I can work up the nerve to taste it. That's simply because I've never done that. I have to take very small steps to give myself permission to face it. Perhaps it would help you to break down things this way?

Not sure if any of this is helpful. Just my thoughts.

 

[Chava]

Thanks @jaccat ...I do like textures, like soft things and seem pretty sensitive that way (yes, only skin deep, but it is helpful to have any feelings). Food textures too...sort of like what you were saying about new foods. I don't really have comfort foods and don't even like food much, but there are certain foods I like for the textures.

I don't like loud music, but I do love that feeling of the bass and vibrations coming from the floor.

I guess I don't even know if other people can feel internal sensations much. I think people who are really in tune do perhaps. I suppose we're not meant to...our organs and stuff just work and we don't need to feel any of it. I'm just hypersensitive to the bad feelings and pain. I do sense hunger now, which is good...that was mostly gone for years and I ate roughly when normal people ate (just enough to minimally sustain myself).

 

[InvisibleSun]

I too have very similar experiences with this. I struggle with chronic pain, internal pain, autoimmune arthritis..and all of my doctors are convinced that it is a result of my trauma. My PTSD and my physical issues developed almost at the same time and it took me a years to wrap my head around the idea that trauma can manifest itself in a physical form. Meditation really helps me. Any deep breathing exercises, really.

 

[Chava]

took me a years to wrap my head around the idea that trauma can manifest itself in a physical form

Yes, for sure. It can be hard to sort out though. I DO have legitimate reasons for bad cramping pain, but the insane hormone dysregulation is likely in part due to deeper hormone dysregulation (there is a close relationship between cortisol and estrogen...everything is connected to very confusing degrees and trauma can throw just about anything off because of the neuroendocrine dysfunction it creates).

I do know that my pain increases when emotionally stressed. I don't tolerate a good range of emotions. I've had my lungs collapse and a door broken against my back, but I think my back pain is maybe most related to protective posturing but also just where I put feelings, if that makes sense. As soon as I gave up my numbing agents (alcoholism, self injury, anorexia) I thought I'd be "healthy" but I developed chronic pain. There's an obvious link to my inability to self regulate. And even when I feel like I'm doing better, I now seem to just have a negative pain loop. Trauma can also mess with pain regulation (like my muscles don't feel "sore" from a little housework...there seems to be some over-reaction, like my body thinks it has been hit by a truck). Pain itself is self-protective...tells us to stop what we're doing. But for me that would just put me in a never-ending freeze. It's all messed up and there is a pretty tiny window of tolerance.

 

[Rollercoaster]

Since having crazy skin outbursts that lasted approximately five months when my world came down around me and my diagnosis of CPTSD came out I feel its stripped me bear, and I now have really strange physical symptons:
Throwing up
Regular sickness
Pains in arms
Rashes
Stomach cramps
Loss of energy
Two years ago I was running half marathons, and now i'm like a vulnerable baby who doesn't have the strength or energy to run, to go on long walks. Working days and trying to socialise exhausts me.

It's like a constant reminder of my turmoil, while i pretend to work colleagues and social groups everything is ok.

I cry because i feel trapped with a mind, a body and a broken heart that doesnt function normallly.

 

[Chava]

I relate to going from full force to crashing and feeling terrible most of the time. It's been horrible and I feel like I'm slowly peeling out of it.

I think that having to notice hunger cues and gain weight threw me into a really bizarre tailspin, unlike typical eating disorder recovery. My body freaked me out on all levels and I just wanted to shut down again.

Recently I was reading "Neurofeedback in the Treatment of Developmental Trauma" (Sebern Fisher) and was blown away to read that there are actually parts of the prefrontal cortex that allow us to feel ourselves as being in our body, and that this gets all screwed up in developmental trauma. These are really deep challenges.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Chava did you relate to Van der Kolks explanation of the vagal nerves part in linking mind and body from The Body Keeps the Score? He had a diagram that shows where it leads to inside the body and it gets activated by stress. Anything you can think of to activate the calming parasympathetic system like exhaling slowly and long, engaging in pleasurable activities. Etc. it may not stop the pain but it may stop your PTSD reaction to it, making you able to tolerate it.

My pelvic pain is totally based in trauma. I almost quit yoga because it was triggering body memories. I talked to my teacher about it and she showed me some poses to do when feeling activated. BTW she is a clinical therapist who teaches yoga and she is developing a yoga program specifically for trauma survivors. Can't wait for that to happen. My pain harkened when my emotions react to sensations that remind me of rape and related cruelty and entrapment.

 

[Chava]

@KwanYingirl yes, the vagus nerve stuff is fascinating. I assume I activate it when I use a low tuning fork on my sternum. Bone resonates and carries sound well, but I don't know how it travels to well from my sternum up to behind my ears...unless its following nerve path (which would likely be vagus). So I feel it in my body and hear it inside and outside my ears. I need to do this more. It's all that stuff of having a body, feeling something internal in a positive way, likely activating the calming responses, and even experiencing inside-outside, like my body had a boundary.

Glad you were able to stick with the yoga. Sounds like you have a great instructor. :)