ED Ptsd & eating disorders

[maddog]

I am drowning in depression right now, and for me, that means serious food deprivation. It means wanting to will myself to death, and starving is whatI do. It's what I know. I'm crying with hopelessness just writing this.

T and I went out for a coffee yesterday. He asked me if I wanted anything to eat. I know he knows I'm not eating well, worse than usual at the moment, but is staying hands off with me about it unless I bring it up. I almost burst into tears. I spent the whole rest of our meeting, which was distressing enough for different reasons, wanting to blurt out that I needed help, and please please please could he help me. I wish I had. He's on holidays now...

It's weird. I don't count calories and I don't know anything about the BMI chart. One weird anomaly with my obsession is that I keep it all contained in my head and don't let factual stuff about my obsession in, which means no calory counting, infrequent weight checks. That way I just make it all up, make my own rules based on nothing, and use it to never feel like I'm doing enough.

I hate this. I need help and I know it. I just... don't know what to do. Sorry, this post was kind of pathetic...

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

No it's not. You're hurting and we're here for you. It's hard but you're strong. I've seen evidence of that in your posts. Hold on tight and cry if you need to but know we understand and we're here for you:hug:.

 

[Abstract]

MD, I am a little concerned about you. I have the feeling that things are bad at present for you.

With the present ED issue have you ever tried supplements drinks? The are not a long term solution and I know it is not easy but sometimes they can be life saver. Maybe something to help you get through t's holiday if you can manage that.

Please take care.

 

[maddog]

Thanks Abstract. I haven't tried them, and perhaps should, as sometimes drinking is more doable. That would involve getting to the supermarket though, and right now...

I know I've been here before and that this plunge will pass ifI can just hold through it. That's all I'm doing right now, just holding... onto anything.

 

[presentjoy]

MD, just in case (it is for me, anyway), if a pharmacy is more convenient, those meal drinks are available there. Since they're used in a variety of settings. In the nutritional supplements aisle, rather than the food section.

Just holding onto anything is something. Hang in there.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

It's 3pm and I haven't eaten today. I've had a cup and a half of coffee. I've been isolating in my room all day and I finally got up and got dressed. I'm really hungry. So I decided to go have some eggs. I could probably use the protein. I went into the kitchen and my parents were busy in there so I couldn't make my eggs. Then I noticed what time it is and I realized it's too close to dinner to eat eggs. I'll ruin my appetite. But I'm really hungry. I do this all the time and then just make myself wait for dinner. But I don't know if I can today. I feel so ridiculous because I feel like I don't know what to do. My head hurts and I'm weak and I've been fighting with PTSD and GAD today. I'm having a hard time.

 

[presentjoy]

Is there orange juice, or anything that you can grab to give yourself a bit of a boost before dinner? I've definitely had those days, including the inability to do stuff in the kitchen if someone else is in there. Even if people are in the kitchen, it should be ok to grab something, right? I know. It's hard. Maybe you don't want to encounter them. But maybe just a glass of juice?

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I went back and grabbed some wheat crackers. These kind of days are definitely hard. I'm kind of dazed. I'm trying to process what happened today and it's just not making sense. And naturally when I get upset I can't eat.

 

[AngrySky]

For me it's mostly undereating, for considerable periods of time when stressed, and it's strongly related to control. When I feel out of control of key elements of my life, I control those elements of it that I can, and sadly, often that is eating.
...

This is my disorder as well. I can go from dropping 20 pounlds in 2 weeks from not eating. I feel the hunger, I know I should eat but it is the only thing I can control. Then 1 month later I realize that I am sick and I start the mantra that I can show them. I can control anytihing,. I am not out of control. Then I start a very strict healthy diet and hit the gym and 6 weeks later I am in impeccable shape. Only to plummet again and lost steam and feel horrible about myself again and the yo yo continues.

 

[71nothing]

Tomorrow I'm supposed to have my initial assessment at the ED clinic. I'm really worried about it but relieved as well. Maybe they can really help me get a handle on this before it's totally out of control.

My concern is about how much info do I need to disclose to them. I really hope they won't expect me to disclose any trauma information. I also don't want to give my extensive psych history from the distant past.

I do want to be honest with them so that I can benefit from their services. I guess I just go and share what feels right when I'm there?

 

[Abstract]

Good luck 71!

You will be OK and we will all be cheering you along.

I don't see trauma as being that relevant for this now. Certainly not details. I think trauma and other mental health issues are only relevant with this in how it affects your treatment for the ED. In other words which facility would be appropriate or what other accommodations need to be made. For example if you dissociated totally every time you tried to eat then the facility would need to know about dissociation.

This is your opportunity for them to get the right picture of your situation so be ruthlessly honest. I have sabotaged myself so many times out of shame or avoidance and have hidden things that would have changed what treatment was provided.

It may be worthwhile writing anything down that you think is important to mention in case you can't think clearly tomorrow.

You also need to be honest if there are any behaviours other than restriction. Is there over exercise for example, or laxatives or purging. I might be getting confused but if you are using a food intolerance as a means of purging then mention that too.

Drugs, self harm and alcohol issues are also relevant I think as not knowing usually just ups the one when the other goes down.

Good luck and let us know how you go.

 

[71nothing]

Thank you Abstract! Will do!