ED Ptsd & eating disorders

[maddog]

Thinking of you too 71, I really am. This is a big step in the right direction.

Maddog

 

[71nothing]

Thanks MD.

It was a rough Appointment. They don't think I can tackle this outpatient because of how involved I am and that I have OCD and PTSD surrounding it.

We are going to try outpatient though because I told them inpatient was not an option given my responsibilities.

The plan they wrote out for me is way overwhelming. I can't even imagine following it.

They suggested I go on Lovax (sp?). I currently take no meds an am hesitant to start.

I told her that I truly thought I would get there and they would tell me I was fine or ask why I am there. She said my belief that I am on the edge of an ED is very wrong and I am deep into one.

It's lots to soak in. I've alternated between panic and dissociation. I go again a week from Thursday.

I so deeply appreciate the support I've found on here for this.

 

[Abstract]

Well done! You went and it sounds like you said what you needed to. They also sound like they know what they are talking about. Often it seems impossible before you start but remember you will be getting help and not doing this on your own.

 

[maddog]

What Abstract said. Tiny, tiny steps, and we'll all be here to take them with you.

Do you know what the basic structure of the out-patient treatment will be, eg, frequency and duration of sessions etc?

Maddog

 

[71nothing]

I'm not sure of frequency but I'm concerned I won't be able to afford the frequency I will need to fully benefit. I meet with the regular dietician on 10/3 and will hopefully know more then.

In the mean time I find myself restricting more and more as I try to fight it harder. I can't envision overcoming this right now and that is very scary. I feel so alone in this as I haven't even told family and friends about my PTSD, or OCD and certainly not this. I'm so fearful of people finding out and then looking like a complete failure when right now I'm the one people look up to.

 

[Abstract]

Gosh, you sound like me. Even though I had an ED for close on 30 years I never told anyone and I still haven't told a single person about the PTSD.

When I eventually told my family about the ED a few years ago my mother said she had always known. Nice considering she did a lot to actively fuel it and never got me help. In some fairly drastic ways too.

I'm so fearful of people finding out and then looking like a complete failure when right now I'm the one people look up to.

I think this can be a curse and have been there and still often am. I am changing now. What is the point of looking all together on the outside when you are falling apart inside? I know it is not that easy and it is still a battle for me (hence not telling about PTSD or at least partly). I also think it usually comes from long term patterns and means of coping. Being used to keeping the semblance of normality on the outside.

I sometimes think things like ED's are our minds way of taking over and forcing our hand when we are not able to do it ourselves.

Things are as they are for you and the only important thing is that you get support and help. Noone should suffer alone and not be helped to find a way through their suffering.

None of it - not the ED, OCD or PTSD - is your fault and none of it makes you anything other than just in need of help. You are you and valuable regardless.

Can you try to commit to not restricting more? Maybe not try to increase. To try to hold firm with where you are at? Try not to think ahead too much. It tends to be a long battle to fight ED's but I promise you it is very worth it and very possible.

 

[71nothing]

What is the point of looking all together on the outside when you are falling apart inside?

Doesn't really make sense to me either but I still hold tight to it. I guess that's why it's called a disorder. :bored: It is a lot of work to put on such a front when inside I'm totally losing it.

Interesting analogy but after we were flooded there was a water line on the front picture window of my house about six feet up. As the weeks went on and our town cleaned up and "recovered" I left that water line on the window. It really bothered me that all my friends and neighbors were trying to make their houses and neighborhood look perfect on the outside when inside I know they were still suffering and damaged (both physically and mentally). It's been over two years and that line is still on my window. I refuse to wash it off until I'm feeling better inside. The insurance company inspected our house a year after the flood and deemed it "100% recovered." It's gone downhill since then. A lot of my issues are really even flood related. The flood was just the trauma that triggered my latest downward spiral. I feel almost emotionally attached to that water line and it will remain there until I'm ready to wash it off...despite what comments my neighbors (at least the ones I have left) have to say about it!

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I have a bit of an odd question. I know I already tend to look at my body and scrutinize it quite often. When I can see the bones under my collar bones I feel a sense of comfort that I'm not too far gone in weighing or gaining. But tonight I caught myself doing something I don't think I've done before and I'm not sure if this is a typical kind of thing.

But as I'm laying here on my bed with my laptop going over the forums I keep thinking again and again about what I ate today. Then I reach up to my ribs and I can feel my bones and it kind of soothes me to know I can still feel them. And I'll run my hand down my side to my hip to feel the bone. I'm not particularly bony but I'm finding myself soothed that I can feel my bones. Is that "normal" for what I'm dealing with? Or is that a whole different ball game? Maybe it's nothing and I'm making something out of nothing. But I figured I'd ask because I keep doing it and it's got me curious. I feel so awkward asking this question :bag:.

 

[Abstract]

Its called body checking Blackbird and is a typical ED (restriction types) behaviour. Also, even though it is soothing it is very unhelpful and can make things worse so trying to resist is a good idea especially if it hasn't been around that long.

No need to be :bag:.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I guess I'm feeling awkward about it because it feels like such an odd thing to do. It's definitely a new thing. Unless I've been doing it and not really paying attention to it. But tonight I'm laying on my side and rubbing my ribs and thinking that I literally felt soothed. And not like relaxing from a massage kind of soothed. Like I feel almost calm and reassured if that makes sense. And I really noticed it when I realized I'd done it several different times. I started to pay attention to what I was thinking as I did it and I keep thinking like "I ate one of those and then one more and half of another one" followed by or as I rubbed my ribs. And then I'd stop thinking about my food intake. And a little later I noticed myself doing it again. And each time it was almost like a relief that I could still feel my bones. This sounds so awkward to me to bring up. I guess because it's not something I've noticed before.

 

[Abstract]

Thats OK blackbird. I totally understand how difficult and awkward it is when we discuss something that we have just gained awareness of.

Body checking is normally done and "gives" exactly what you describe. It is a way of attempting to appease that distrust and fear of getting bigger. ED's often have what I think of as almost psychotic feelings of getting bigger suddenly. I have had experiences where I have truly felt that I have put on 10 kgs after one apple. There is often serious issues with self doubt about self, body and what is real.

The trouble is that it doesn't actually solve anything as what is being done to appease is actually feeding the problem. The only solution is to develop awareness, self belief and body trust.

 

[Abstract]

Doesn't really make sense to me either but I still hold tight to it.

I sooo sympathise. It actually does make sense in many ways too though.

It is a lot of work to put on such a front when inside I'm totally losing it.

It is exhausting! Thats what started me being very motivated to change as I got to a point where I was done. I lost all my fight and felt dead. I just could not afford to spend that energy that way any more. I can't even nearly afford the amount I still expend.

That is a great analogy. I can understand the symbolism. I wonder if removing the water line would feel like a deleting of your experience and feelings and an invalidation of them. Good for you for doing what you need. The neighbours can go fly! ;)