ED Ptsd & eating disorders

[maddog]

Not keeping up well with the forum right now, but I always come back to this thread, even though I want to comment on lots of things and just can't right now.

I do lots of body checking behaviours as well, and I don't even know why, because for me I don't feel physically soothed, just in need of some sort of brief faint reassurance that I'm not putting on weight and might in fact be losing.

And I think I am losing. I've been running myself ragged at the gym, even when I'm almost passing out and feeling constantly, intensely weak and fatigued at the moment.

I have a pacemaker due to a heart condition, and it is located just under the skin below my collarbone. I always know when I'm losing weight when it begins to feel sore and tight as the skin stretches tighter over it. I like that feeling...

My psychiatrist asked me yesterday if I'm eating, which usually means he's noticed I'm losing weight. I said "not much" and didn't even feel my usual inability to respond. It came in the midst of our discussion about suicidal stuff, so there didn't seem much point in lying about not eating - not in that moment anyway. I even said that sometimes I thought I just wanted to will myself to death. He didn't respond, and somehow that just made me feel worse and more lost.

Exhausted and empty. I truly truly admire those of you who are actively addressing this, even though I know it still feels like there are a million miles of the journey to go. While I do mention it occasionally to my T, I've never taken it much further than that, and somehow there is always something more critical to deal with in therapy.

Maddog

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I just want to give you a big hug Maddog. I hope today is a better day for you :hug:.

 

[Abstract]

Everytime I seem to have a handle on the OCD thoughts, they are soon filled with something worse.

I have a theory about this. Essentially I see them all as distractions and unhealthy means of coping. The intention is good (to cope) but sadly they all add to shame, self hatred and despair etc.

This is where I see the see saw issue as coming up. Until we actually learn to tolerate the intense emotional states and get taught and used to using alternative means of dealing with things that are affirming instead of demeaning then we just keep swapping the one for the other. Mindfulness and acceptance was the very best thing for this for me I must say.

I hope I am not just annoying to hear. Please tell me if I am. I know that sometimes hearing someone who has done something just adds to the difficult feelings. I know how very difficult this battle is.

 

[Abstract]

I also think it's possible that the restriction I do sometimes (it's often, these days) is so related to stress, depression and self-harm. But I don't know that the idea of the underweight and sometimes going long stretches of not eating til I'm faint, is NOT an ED.

I think it's great that you discussed this with him!

Maybe one way to look at it is that being this weight isn't healthy regardless and that it is positive that you are considering looking at being healthier.

If it is making you depressed then would it help to think of how much better your mood and other issues may feel and be if your body is functioning better? This weight tends to mess with brain chemistry and stop meds from working properly. You also don't have some of the obsessions about weight in the way too so it may be easier than you think it will be. You never know.

I think the feelings about self harm and food and food being a means of coping with stress rather than a reaction to stress are very common with ED's. With depression it is normally a loss of appetite whereas with eating issues it is more a disconnection with body, a need to get something out of not eating, a means of coping with stress or a means of feeling a certain way about ourselves.

 

[Abstract]

MD, I think you need to give yourself credit for talking about it! Here and to your psychiatrist. You are being much more open about it. That is no mean feat considering all that you have to deal with at present.

I have a pacemaker due to a heart condition

I am a bit concerned about your heart. Could you speak to your psychiatrist about getting supplements? If you don't feel able to properly address the ED at present then maybe something just to try to stop extra damage and monitor you? Please ignore if this isn't helpful. I know you are overwhelmed at present and for very good reason. Remember I am the person that cannot even get myself into therapy!!!

Sending you much support MD.

 

[71nothing]

Abstract,
I don't find you annoying at all. I keep posting to hear this feedback. I feel like I need continuous input on this to keep myself from slipping further away from my goal of being healthy both physically and mentally.

You are very accurate and timely in saying this just brings more shame and guilt. As I was doing something new to myself yesterday to purge my body of unwanted weight I felt so low. I don't need to add more reasons to be ashamed of myself yet I don't or can't stop myself from continuing.

I almost feel like I need an on call person in order to beat this. Almost like a sponsor in AA. I can meet with my therapist or trainer and have a better than usual meal after but then that feeling of confidence is gone. The feeling of needing to fix it is back so the restricting gets worse as does any purging.

My therapist and trainer must be so tired of telling me the same things over and over again so I try not to ever talk to them except at the scheduled appointment times. I hate feeling this needy.

I am glad that I have this forum and certainly don't find the responses annoying. It's what I'm looking for. And I love that I can get it anonymously.

 

[nomedic1]

When I left the military I weighed 78 kilograms, fit not an ounce of fat, I decided I needed to save everybody which meant I skipped lunches, dinners, breakfasts, at one stage I dropped down to 56 kilos, I put on a bit more weight and sat at 66 kilos, now that I am on meds and therapy I am back to my weight, I have more energy and I exercise to keep myself from gaining too much weight now lol

 

[71nothing]

Question...
This theory popped into my head when I was running today.

I wonder if the ED professionals I saw this past week over exaggerated the danger of my current condition in an effort to scare me into changing before it gets worse.

Do you think that's possible? Likely? Has anyone ever had something like that happen to them?

 

[Abstract]

I don't believe that all 71. They are looking at the trend and where you are heading if something serious doesn't change. You are having significant problems eating. I think your situation is serious and I am glad you are getting the help you need for it.

What makes you think they are just manipulating you?

 

[71nothing]

Because I'm not thin and have a healthy BMI so I can't be so bad off that I need to be in an inpatient setting to correct this.

 

[Abstract]

I thought that may be it and understand where the thought comes from. I think there are dr's and non ED professionals who would see it that way. I am really serious that your story is a classic one that can often leads to very serious anorexia. Ed professionals know what they are talking about and have seen it all before.

Anorexia does require a certain BMI but ED's are way more than that. The majority of ED's are at a so called normal or high BMI. If they don't catch you now then how long do you really think it will be before your BMI plummets even more?

You have been diagnosed as having an eating disorder and they are not going to waste time or resources on someone they do not believe is in serious need of treatment.

You have said you are struggling to eat on your own and do what you need to do. Thats when intensive treatment is needed. Try to put the BMI aside if you can.

 

[71nothing]

Maybe the theory was my mind's effort to pretend it isn't real.

There are times I think I could get the calories in me but what stops me is knowing the feelings I'll have after and the consequences of those feelings.

I don't want to have an ED. I just want this to go away.