That is so typical 71. It will be OK. You are getting proper help now so you can work through this. The good news is that things can get better in the future. To start with it is hard but it can lead to good things. Hang in there.
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ED Ptsd & eating disorders
- Post starter poeticprincess88
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Rough nights all round...
I so understand and relate to all that's going on in your head with this 71 - the fellow ED battler in me wants to "like" everything that you say, though at the same time, I can't help but "like" all of Abstract's wisdom and compassion, because you are right Abstract, intuitively I just know it, even when I don't feel it. And gosh, needless to say, how could your input here ever be anything other than validating and supportive and more "real" than any professional's! Not to ever downplay what a professional can offer, but the one thing they can't, in almost all instances, offer is true empathy and a first-hand knowledge of the nightmare!
I feel like death warmed up. I think I'm even getting a bit scared. Maybe that will motivate me to do something... or maybe not. A friend commented today on how deathly pale and unwell I looked, and also that it was obvious I'm not eating, which I presume was a comment about weight loss. I'm deeply ashamed and scared to say that it felt like a compliment and made me smile on the inside... for just a moment.
I'm seeing T tomorrow and am half dreading, half hoping, he will notice and comment. What will I do if he does? Right now I feel so broken and fragile that I think the well will just burst forth from within me and maybe I'll say I'm in trouble. Maybe... Maybe it'd be a good thing if he does.
Maddog
I so understand and relate to all that's going on in your head with this 71 - the fellow ED battler in me wants to "like" everything that you say, though at the same time, I can't help but "like" all of Abstract's wisdom and compassion, because you are right Abstract, intuitively I just know it, even when I don't feel it. And gosh, needless to say, how could your input here ever be anything other than validating and supportive and more "real" than any professional's! Not to ever downplay what a professional can offer, but the one thing they can't, in almost all instances, offer is true empathy and a first-hand knowledge of the nightmare!
I feel like death warmed up. I think I'm even getting a bit scared. Maybe that will motivate me to do something... or maybe not. A friend commented today on how deathly pale and unwell I looked, and also that it was obvious I'm not eating, which I presume was a comment about weight loss. I'm deeply ashamed and scared to say that it felt like a compliment and made me smile on the inside... for just a moment.
I'm seeing T tomorrow and am half dreading, half hoping, he will notice and comment. What will I do if he does? Right now I feel so broken and fragile that I think the well will just burst forth from within me and maybe I'll say I'm in trouble. Maybe... Maybe it'd be a good thing if he does.
Maddog
Sounds like you have that equal feeling of dread, terror, etc that someone will or won't find out. I know it well.
This is one of the most exhausting things I've had to deal with. I'm so glad I've got the input of all of you who are going through it. I'm sure nobody else would understand it.
Lets hope today is a better day! I have two scheduled exercise classes tonight so that usually keeps my spirits up and I generally eat a little more because I don't want to pass out in class. As much as I know I'm not properly fueling my exercise, if I were ever made to do without them I might as well just curl up in my bed because the resulting depression would be unbearable. Lets hope the professionals I'm working with understand that.
This is one of the most exhausting things I've had to deal with. I'm so glad I've got the input of all of you who are going through it. I'm sure nobody else would understand it.
Lets hope today is a better day! I have two scheduled exercise classes tonight so that usually keeps my spirits up and I generally eat a little more because I don't want to pass out in class. As much as I know I'm not properly fueling my exercise, if I were ever made to do without them I might as well just curl up in my bed because the resulting depression would be unbearable. Lets hope the professionals I'm working with understand that.
BlackbirdSinging
Diamond Member
I'm making myself worry. This past cycle in my period I lost weight when I usually gain a little due to bloating. After my period I weighed myself and I was up a full two pounds. I hardly ate during my period. But I did have takeout for dinner a couple of times. I restricted how much I ate but still.
Today I didn't get hungry like I usually do. I ate a grilled cheese for lunch. And at dinner I had less than half of a small steak half of a baked potato and a small bowl of salad. As I think about all of this I feel a growing sense of feeling trapped. I feel out of control of my eating. I feel like I'm losing control of my losing. I feel worried and trapped. I can feel anxiety starting to grow somewhere inside me. I haven't been very regular and now I'm starting to seriously consider laxatives.
I can't I can't I can't gain weight. I'm so much closer to where I want to be. I'm worrying that I can't feel my ribs as easily. I'm feeling my collarbones and looking at them in the mirror to make sure I can still see them the same as I recently have been. I'm worrying that my thighs are bigger. I'm worried my clothes are going to stop fitting or stop being a little too loose as some of them are. As the night goes on I'm starting to feel hungry. And I'm feeling some sense of relief for that. But part of me is going "ok good you can have dry cereal later". While another part of me feels like this is the perfect time to reestablish control. My head is just swimming around this.
Today I didn't get hungry like I usually do. I ate a grilled cheese for lunch. And at dinner I had less than half of a small steak half of a baked potato and a small bowl of salad. As I think about all of this I feel a growing sense of feeling trapped. I feel out of control of my eating. I feel like I'm losing control of my losing. I feel worried and trapped. I can feel anxiety starting to grow somewhere inside me. I haven't been very regular and now I'm starting to seriously consider laxatives.
I can't I can't I can't gain weight. I'm so much closer to where I want to be. I'm worrying that I can't feel my ribs as easily. I'm feeling my collarbones and looking at them in the mirror to make sure I can still see them the same as I recently have been. I'm worrying that my thighs are bigger. I'm worried my clothes are going to stop fitting or stop being a little too loose as some of them are. As the night goes on I'm starting to feel hungry. And I'm feeling some sense of relief for that. But part of me is going "ok good you can have dry cereal later". While another part of me feels like this is the perfect time to reestablish control. My head is just swimming around this.
MD,
It is horrible and I think is the amount of deficiencies can be insidious and more pervasive than we think. You will do what is right for you when you are able.
I your appointment went OK.
Be really careful of exercise. The two together can be a lethal combination and the normal outcome of these things is not death so that is important to remember. I am a little ray of sunshine aren't I?!
I just know we all have enough to deal with without further physical long term issues.
It's not for everyone and not necessary for everyone but I had to stop all exercise for many years.
It is horrible and I think is the amount of deficiencies can be insidious and more pervasive than we think. You will do what is right for you when you are able.
I your appointment went OK.
Be really careful of exercise. The two together can be a lethal combination and the normal outcome of these things is not death so that is important to remember. I am a little ray of sunshine aren't I?!
I just know we all have enough to deal with without further physical long term issues.
It's not for everyone and not necessary for everyone but I had to stop all exercise for many years.
I'm a little like 71, the prospect of having to give up on exercise might well be my greatest motivator to do something about this!
I've started weighing myself weekly, which I managed not to do for a long time. Not sure if it's a good or bad thing that I think my scales are super dodgey and I suspect are inconsistent and unreliable... they're telling me I'm stable. Ha! What a laugh!!
The T appointment was unbearable, but nothing to do with food or eating. He did eat in front of me though, which I think he does, at least a little bit, to gauge my reaction. At times I can't stop myself from physically recoiling and flinching. I know that out of context, it might sound a little weird or inappropriate that he does that, but he was dropping me home, it was dinnertime, and he was trying to normalise my world. Actually I was so far gone that he could have slaughtered and eaten a goat in the car and I wouldn't have noticed or cared.
Have done less exercise the past couple of days, simply because I felt too weak. Depression is ruling my life.
I've started weighing myself weekly, which I managed not to do for a long time. Not sure if it's a good or bad thing that I think my scales are super dodgey and I suspect are inconsistent and unreliable... they're telling me I'm stable. Ha! What a laugh!!
The T appointment was unbearable, but nothing to do with food or eating. He did eat in front of me though, which I think he does, at least a little bit, to gauge my reaction. At times I can't stop myself from physically recoiling and flinching. I know that out of context, it might sound a little weird or inappropriate that he does that, but he was dropping me home, it was dinnertime, and he was trying to normalise my world. Actually I was so far gone that he could have slaughtered and eaten a goat in the car and I wouldn't have noticed or cared.
Have done less exercise the past couple of days, simply because I felt too weak. Depression is ruling my life.
Doesn't sound weird at all MD. I totally get it.
I'm up to weighing myself 20-30 times per day. I've put each weigh in on a spreadsheet so I can look at trends and just watch the numbers. I've also put my daily calories consumption for the past three months on a spreadsheet.
I had two good days. I actually doubled my calorie intake the last two days without use of laxatives or anything else. This still leaves me 1900 calories short of where the ED specialist said I need to be to maintain my current exercise regime. I figure that at least when I return to them on Thursday it'll look like a good effort. I was a little stressed last night because I had gained four ounces but I'll see what today brings.
I tend to have better eating days like this in the few days before I get my period. My mood is generally better too. Then I crash again both on diet and mood. My hope this time is to be able to make myself at least keep consuming the same calories.
I hope to be able to talk to my therapist about this today. I need to be able to deal with the feelings I have after eating. Otherwise I can eat but then feel very guilty, out of control, depressed, etc. I cope with that by over correcting with more restrictions, ways of purging my body of calories, and drinking.
On a side note, I have been unable to have a bowel movement for days. This scare me a little. Is this normal in restricting calories? Should I be concerned? I don't want to use laxatives for this purpose. They seem to be more of a self abusive type thing and I think in my mind I am saving them for that purpose.
I'm up to weighing myself 20-30 times per day. I've put each weigh in on a spreadsheet so I can look at trends and just watch the numbers. I've also put my daily calories consumption for the past three months on a spreadsheet.
I had two good days. I actually doubled my calorie intake the last two days without use of laxatives or anything else. This still leaves me 1900 calories short of where the ED specialist said I need to be to maintain my current exercise regime. I figure that at least when I return to them on Thursday it'll look like a good effort. I was a little stressed last night because I had gained four ounces but I'll see what today brings.
I tend to have better eating days like this in the few days before I get my period. My mood is generally better too. Then I crash again both on diet and mood. My hope this time is to be able to make myself at least keep consuming the same calories.
I hope to be able to talk to my therapist about this today. I need to be able to deal with the feelings I have after eating. Otherwise I can eat but then feel very guilty, out of control, depressed, etc. I cope with that by over correcting with more restrictions, ways of purging my body of calories, and drinking.
On a side note, I have been unable to have a bowel movement for days. This scare me a little. Is this normal in restricting calories? Should I be concerned? I don't want to use laxatives for this purpose. They seem to be more of a self abusive type thing and I think in my mind I am saving them for that purpose.
That is amazing 71! :)
Yes. Can be.
I know its very hard but working towards not weighing at all is a good idea.
ninja
Sponsor
Don't mean to interrupt... just want to say:
I know you mentioned that you've used laxatives in the past as a purging type of method. If you used them even semi-regularly (every day, every other day, every three days...) it will take a little while for your body to adjust to not having them. Try to drink lots of water and maybe add in some extra vegetables, if you can.
Agree with Ninja.
I also meant to say please try to avoid going down that route again!
You also need to discuss this with your treatment providers as with all thingsyou can't diagnose medical issues over the internet. So thinking, "oh its just from restricting" and not mentioning it isn't a good idea.
I also meant to say please try to avoid going down that route again!
You also need to discuss this with your treatment providers as with all thingsyou can't diagnose medical issues over the internet. So thinking, "oh its just from restricting" and not mentioning it isn't a good idea.
Feeling marginally better emotionally the last day or so. Somehow even managed to convince myself to eat sensibly last night. Not surprisingly, my body collapsed with need and ended binging pretty badly which has been a psychological challenge to cope with today.
Feeling bloated and upset and imagining I've stacked on many kilos overnight. I'm sure it's just in my head...
Trying to be rational. Trying. Yet another person at the trauma programme yesterday sought me out specifically to seek validation for her restricting behaviour and indignance at being "ratted out" by the hospital staff. It's hard. I think I have a "ED strugglers, this way!" neon sign on my forehead. I want to support and validate but am afraid of my own very vulnerable psychological state and the fact that I almost always go backwards when I find myself among "friends".
Feel as though my entire existence is poised on a knife edge...
Feeling bloated and upset and imagining I've stacked on many kilos overnight. I'm sure it's just in my head...
Trying to be rational. Trying. Yet another person at the trauma programme yesterday sought me out specifically to seek validation for her restricting behaviour and indignance at being "ratted out" by the hospital staff. It's hard. I think I have a "ED strugglers, this way!" neon sign on my forehead. I want to support and validate but am afraid of my own very vulnerable psychological state and the fact that I almost always go backwards when I find myself among "friends".
Feel as though my entire existence is poised on a knife edge...
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