ED Ptsd & eating disorders

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

@maddog, Feel free to call me out on this but you can't fix everything and everyone. Being with other people who have ED does not mean you have to be their support mechanism. Making connections is a good thing but you don't have to be the support for everyone. Don't feel guilty for needing some space so you can take care of yourself.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

ended binging pretty badly which has been a psychological challenge to cope with today.

Feeling bloated and upset and imagining I've stacked on many kilos overnight. I'm sure it's just in my head...

I can relate. Today I ate a yogurt and then at dinner I ate literarlly bites from my plate. I can almost count how many bites I took. It wasn't a proper serving of food. But about 2 hours later I went back and took a little more. And I have a rule about not taking seconds so that made me feel very conflicted like I took 2 full servings. Logically I know I didn't. But I still feel like I over ate. I'm still fighting with that feeling. And now I'm asking myself how I can "make up for it" tomorrow. Maybe it's nothing and I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I don't know. It's really kind of confusing me or something. I can't really print finger on it. But today I'd gone shopping today and got new clothes and now I keep thinking my new clothes aren't going to fit anymore. I just keep trying to put a name on what I feel but it's weird because I feel like I can't describe it. I'm sorry you've been having a tough day. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you :hug:

 

[Abstract]

Hi MD,

Your body obviously needs that nutrition so desperately. Your brain and your heart and your bones. It is wonderful you managed to eat and like you said the feeling of instant weight gain won;t be real. Thats such a horrible thing about ED's isn't it? I used to really feel psychotic in a sense in regards to it.

The awful feelings that come up when our bodies take over and demand more nutrition are so hard and it is difficult to keep hold of it being a good thing - that there is a survivor in us wanting life.

t specifically to seek validation for her restricting behaviour

This is a tricky one. Being exposed to people "bragging" about restriction, discussing details and such things can really feed the ED for those they come into contact with. That it is not fair on the person on the receiving end and that everyone needs to act with responsibility.

Could you ask one of the staff to discuss this in group one day? To request people stay away from discussing calories or glorifying/defending ED to others if they discuss ED related stuff.

 

[Abstract]

how I can "make up for it" tomorrow

What about committing here to us that you won't compensate Blackbird? It's a bit like thinking one is blue. Doing various things to stop being blue isn't the answer. Doing things to fight the distortion and convince ourselves we are actually not blue is.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I couldn't do it Abstract. I couldn't make the commitment and I couldn't do differently today :(. I'm just not in the place yet where I'm ready and willing to make changes. I'm thinking maybe I'm not ready for this thread yet since I'm just not there yet. I don't want to be counterproductive to people who are actively working to make changes :(. It's nice to be able to talk to and relate to people and get support. I just don't want where I'm at to be triggering to other people.

 

[Abstract]

Hoping you will forgive me for the little push Blackbird. :inlove:

I have certainly been where you are and do understand. There have been times when a little challenge has done absolutely nothing other than make me feel ashamed and there have been times when it moves something in me just a little. Please don't feel I am censoring you. I don't at all see discussing how you are struggling or how painful it is as a problem. I am not the ED police! :x3:

I'm just not in the place yet where I'm ready and willing to make changes.

It's OK Blackbird. You will do it when you are ready. Remember I am someone who had an ED for almost 30 years so zero judgement from me!

Any time more than one person with eating issues gathers together to discuss ED related stuff it can be triggering. Some things are more likely to trigger than others but everyone is different.

Sorry if I distressed you.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I didn't communicate clearly I think. I wasn't upset with you for the little challenge. And I don't feel like you're judging me. I feel less alone knowing I can come here and talk about this to people who get it and don't say things like "you don't look like you have an eating disorder".

When I think about this thread and what gets posted in it and the people who are posting I see some people who have taken steps no matter how big or how fast to getting onto a path away from an eating disorder. And when I say I'm not sure if I'm ready it's because I haven't yet decided to step off of the path of and onto a path of healing. I'm not ready and I don't feel able to take the steps to stop. I'm so into this and have been since I was a teenager that it's almost like habit that became a struggle and then an addiction almost.

For me it's the thing I can control in all of my other out of control types of feelings with PTSD and GAD and MDD. It's the one thing that I get to decide. To eat or not to eat and if not then why? And for me that's kind of an easy answer. At least at first it is. I'm scared of gaining weight. And smaller seems to be more socially acceptable. And if I'm small enough I might go undetected and unnoticed not attract anymore abusive people . I can kind of disappear.

Gaining weight for me isn't an option. It makes me feel claustrophobic and out of control. It makes me feel so many different things. No one around me understands how much thought and emotion go into this. And a lot of people don't see it because I make it a point to eat my dinner in front of people so that they see me eat.

The other day I opened up to my daughter about how I restrict myself and how long I go without food. And I did that because she seems to have an attitude of I'm trying to sound anorexic or something. She sees me eat so from what she says I get the feeling that she thinks I'm just blowing this out of proportion to sound like I'm anorexic or something. When I opened up to her the other day she said it sounded like I was bragging. I told her I wasn't. I told her that I was just opening up to her about what I think because I don't really talk about it.

But I wasn't and I'm not upset with you. I appreciate your input and support. I just don't want to make things harder for the people who are working hard at getting better. Especially when I'm not there yet. But I do appreciate all the input I get here. And I'm grateful that there are people I can talk to who get it. Thank you for being so supportive :hug:.

 

[71nothing]

Blackbird,
This is one place where we ALL can come and express truthfully where we really are, how we feel, our ups and downs. Or we don't have to! That's the nice thing about it! I'm glad you're on the thread. I've so appreciated your contributions. They often make me feel like I'm not alone in this.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

That's the nice thing about it! I'm glad you're on the thread. I've so appreciated your contributions. They often make me feel like I'm not alone in this.

Thank you for saying that I really appreciate it :hug:. I get a lot out of reading what you post too. It's so nice to not feel alone in this.

 

[maddog]

I hope it wasn't my comments about the girl at the trauma programme that made anyone feel they had to be cautious of sharing here. Hell, I'm so not with it at the moment that maybe I've also misinterpreted the last few posts, but just in case it was something I said, I wanted to say that for reasons I don't quite understand, I find that others sharing very honestly about where they're at is ok and very very helpful on this thread, whereas beyond a certain point, I do find it distressing and dangerous when it happens in person. It's part of what I love about here. It's safer somehow, personal enough, yet somehow just a little bit removed from confronting reality that is too intense for me. I hope that makes sense. I gain knowledge and comfort from everyone here, regardless of where we're all at.

I'm not sure where I'm at, actually, even in terms of wanting to start to deal with this or not. I stray back and forth across that line and don't know where I am overall.

Due to general not coping, I'm on a daily reporting and accountability regime with my T at the moment, which involves committing to do and not do certain things each day, and reporting back on them later. I've decided to include eating. Being able to write about it is always a little bit more doable. Last night I said that today I had to make myself eat something, anything at all, just once. I'll have to report tonight on whether or not I did. I'm very afraid that I will lie. I hope not.

Maddog

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I hope it wasn't my comments about the girl at the trauma programme that made anyone feel they had to be cautious of sharing here.

I think my post created some confusion. And I think you might be thinking of my post. If you are I'm sorry if I confused you or anyone else or if my post made you or anyone else feel bad. I definitely didn't mean to. I was responding to a challenge that Abstract had suggested to me.

I had been talking about my lack of willingness and not wanting to trigger anyone. I say that because I see people posting who have decided to be willing to take steps to make healthier choices than what I'm making. I hope that clears up any confusion. I'm sorry for the confusion everyone.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Blackbird,

Please don't worry. I don't want to speak for MD but the way I see it we are all just checking in with you to be sure you know we are not wanting you to disappear off the thread! You were very thoughtfully thinking of others and were worrying about where you were with ED.

Feeling a bit despairing when someone has given me a challenge is something I totally understand too. Its wonderful everyone has each other on here to discuss things and not feeling so alone. :)

I've decided to include eating. Being able to write about it is always a little bit more doable. Last night I said that today I had to make myself eat something, anything at all, just once.

Wow MD, that is wonderful. Its OK if it doesn't happen. Just doing that is a huge step. It is also a really clever goal with lots of flexibility. I thinking having the goal is a success in an of itself.

Sending hugs to everyone that wants or needs them.