ED Ptsd & eating disorders

[BlackbirdSinging]

I feel like sh*t. One of my sisters is here visiting. She's obsessed with people's weight. Tonight it was just the two of us having dinner. She can't believe how much weight I've lost. And she's been trying like crazy to figure out how much I weigh and how much weight I've lost. And after she asked me one question after the other about how and how much weight I lost I finally said "honestly I have a borderline eating disorder". She said "what?". And I said "I have a tendency to starve myself". And she said "I don't remember you ever being thin". I felt my jaw drop.

I said "I was 92lbs for years" and she asked when because she doesn't remember me weighing that. That converts to 41kgs. And I told her I weighed that for years. I told her at my most I weighed 106lbs when I got pregnant with my first child. That converts to 48kgs. I'm short I know. And I know I wore baggy clothes. But I didn't look thin at that weight? All that did was make me very anxious and make me feel intense shame. And it fueled my already strong desire to keep losing. I told my best friend tonight about the conversation with my sister. She was shocked that my sister wasn't shocked or saddened. I feel terrible. I feel like if that weight wasn't thin enough then what is? It validated that I feel like I'm bigger than what my clothes tags say. I feel so discouraged.

 

[Britt.f7]

@BlackbirdSinging Don't take, please, what your sister said to heart. She, obviously, was in her own little world. I remember, when in the depths of my eating disorder, my sister bragging(that's what it felt like) her weight being low. She was smaller then me to begin with, height wise. It nearly devastated me. Now she talks about when I was "too skinny" and how she never wants me to go back to that. That there was a time she thought I looked good, I'm overweight now, and it coincides with a healthier time of my life. So I am relieved for that. What she did was insensitive. She probably expected you to look like my step mom who must be 80lbs wet. She is just skin and bones. Actually, your weight does sound a bit on the thin side. I'm comparing you to my sister who is about your height. When she weighs under 110 she starts to look anorexic. Not healthy. I don't know what your sister was thinking.

When my sister complains about her weight now, I just want to say, look at me! How can you complain?! I may be overweight, but the eating disorder messages still reside. Sigh.

 

[jocko]

Yeah, I really lost it when I was 14 and almost starved myself to death...I still look back at it with shock at what I did to myself, how much I loved hurting myself like that. I was the first guy at my hospital to be admitted for being anorexic, a dubious honor. Now I'm deadly afraid of losing weight and any of that stuff. I think now it definitely had to do with trauma.

 

[anonymous]

I have been quite upset lately that family members have used my eating disorder as an excuse not to invite me anywhere, even their own houses.

I think they are using my eating disorder as an excuse not to see me as they could just do a buffet which I can cope with. there is no sympathy and definitely no empathy. It makes me cross and sad.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I'm watching the Olympics with my parents. I'm not into it. I'm bored. I'm so bored that I opened a text message to myself on my phone and made a list of everything I ate today. Then I wrote down all of the calories and added it all up.

The problem is I'm hungry. So I started counting up the calories for everything I could have for a snack. Now I'm going over everything in my head. I should eat this. I shouldn't eat that. My calories are around 800. I know I should stop thinking and pick something. But then the stupid arguing in my head starts again.

I don't know what my point is. Other than I'm going in circles in my head. Eat. Don't eat. I'm hungry. I can ignore it. I need more calories. I could take it as a bonus and leave my calories for the day short. It's maddening. I want to eat. I'll probably eat something. And I know I'll beat myself up for it.

I'm still thinking about the conversation with my sister. And then the other day someone asked me if my sweatpants were a size 6. They're an extra small. My jeans are a size 1. Those conversations just validated to me that I look bigger that the size on the tags of my clothes says. I'm so conflicted.

 

[rainy_daze]

@BlackbirdSinging , I hope you can silence the internal arguing and eat when you're hungry. I struggle with this too. :hug: and good vibes sent through the internet to you, if you would like them.

 

[bluedressinggown]

Hi. I've been on this forum before but had to remove myself because I felt I had revealed too much. I just couldn't handle it. So sorry that this is my first post and i haven't given you a story or anything. I'm here under a different name.

Anyway- I had to comment and share my revelation. I've just realised I might have an eating disorder. I haven't been eating well for ages. I manage to eat, but not much. I very much restrict myself. I've been seeing the gp for sickness and feeling too full/stomach pain etc (amongst many other things) but I just feel really uncomfortable when I eat. I have to struggle with each mouthful. I'm losing weight. And obsessivly checking what I weigh. I know I'm not under weight yet- I'm 5 ft 8 inch and weigh 140 lb.. So nothing to worry about really. But I have lost around 20lb in the last 8 weeks or so. I've suddenly had the revelation when I've been put on Sertraline. I know a side effect is putting on weight. I don't want to put on weight. So I am not going to take it. I've been making out I didn't know why I was losing weight and that I was confused from these symptoms- going to gp etc. But actually I'm not.

The thing is now I have discovered this, I like it. I can't stop. It makes me feel better to focus on this. I have felt very suicidal. But I know suicide isn't an option, and neither is living. This is a happy medium.

I feel so much better to realise this. Thanks for letting me share and I hope I don't come across as self-obsessed. It is good to bounce thoughts on here. Maybe one day I will stop- I know it is not good- but it feels good right now. Maybe one day I will tell therapist. But for the time being- noone has noticed. Please- if you comment- please be kind.

 

[rainy_daze]

@bluedressinggown did you tell your therapist about this? I realise it has been months since you were on this thread, but it would be interesting if you would like to share.

I have started physiotherapy for chronic back pain. I found the first appointment terrible, as I had to strip down to my underwear and I wasn't prepared for that. The PT (physiotherapist) started discussing seeing a nutritionist.

I was angry because my BMI (Body Mass Index) was "perfect" before I went in for an operation in 2012. I explained to the PT that even at my last visit to the GP (General Practitioner) I weighed myself and was so shocked at how little I weighed. He said he would refer me to a nutritionist . He forgot to refer me. He's bad for saying he will do something, and then he doesn't.

So I'm waiting to hear when/if I have an appointment with a nutritionist. The PT is expecting this will happen very soon, before our next appointment.

I discussed my terrible eating patterns in therapy. Apparently it's common for abuse survivors to have "unhealthy" relationships with food. I'm wondering if anyone has experience with a nutritionist, and what can I expect? I do not want to be surprised when I get there, like I was with the PT.

My therapist didn't think I had an eating disorder. Personally I think I'm just struggling to put weight on, which I've been speaking to doctors about for years.

 

[Britt.f7]

@rainy_daze My nutritionist was great. Didn't lay any guilt on. Confirmed what I was doing right. Helped with food suggestions and amounts. Best thing about it, you don't have to strip!

 

[rainy_daze]

I'm so thankful for not having to get down to my underwear, that was something I was unprepared for. That is good to know I won't be lectured, as it is the last thing I want with regards to eating. I guess it isn't anything to worry too much about, when the appointment comes. Thank you for responding and answering @Britt.f7.

I'm a little concerned about getting weighed. I guess I will prepare myself for that, just in case.

 

[Britt.f7]

@rainy_daze I forgot. I was weighed each time I went. I hate being weighed. Glad I could help.

 

[passerine]

I was going to post a thread about eating disorders and PTSD, but then I saw this. I became anorexic when I was 13 years old. It was triggered by a sexual assault that exacerbated the fear that I already felt from having been abused. I wanted to disappear, so I starved myself. I wanted control over my own body for once in my life. I battled with the illness for years and had several hospitalizations until I reached a point of "almost recovered" in my twenties. I say "almost" because I never felt like I was fully recovered. At this point, I started having the symptoms of PTSD (though I'm sure they had always been there and were just masked by my eating disorder) and I started to purge as well as restrict my food. Purging was for me a way to "get the bad stuff out". Whenever I had flashbacks or intrusive thoughts about the traumas I would want to eat and purge (I never binged, but ate normal amounts of food that I would purge). Now, in my early thirties, I still have an eating disorder (diagnosed as eating disorder not otherwise specified), but am much better than I was when I was anorexic and purging regularly (I still purge, but much less frequently than I did). I work on my recovery from the eating disorder and the PTSD with a wonderful therapist, psychiatrist, nutritionist, and general physician, and in group therapy. It is tough, but gradually I am finding other ways to feel in control and to "get the bad stuff out". I have found expressive therapies particularly useful for the eating disorder, like art therapy, because I find so much symbolism and metaphor in the illness.