ED Ptsd & eating disorders

[BlackbirdSinging]

I shocked myself today. I don't usually count my calories. I just come up with these rules all day and restrict myself. Today I decided to count my calories to the best of my ability. I just wanted to get some kind of idea of about how many calories I'm getting in a day. I figured it was just under or just over a thousand. I was wrong. I was very wrong. I'm shocked at what the number really is closer to. I rounded up a couple of times for things I wasn't sure of but after dinner I was right about at 500 calories. Just now I had a little snack. But I'm still under 800 calories. I don't know what to think or feel. I'm just really kind of shocked.

 

[presentjoy]

I hate eating :( I'm staying at a friends', with housemates. Their policy is really lax; there's a lot of food sharing, and sometimes one of them makes lentil daal or some other good vegetarian thing for communal eating. There are some things I need to buy because I want them for myself, like dairy-free milk, some greek yogurt, etc. Well I was next to a grocery store this afternoon and I just couldn't go in. I was too overwhelmed. I couldn't even bring myself to get a burrito that was even easier to get to.

I guess I'll get there, make it to the store and figure it out. But I'm overwhelmed by it, and really feel like I hate food. I wish my body didn't have to eat. I haven't really gained more than 2 lbs since late April. Still in the single digits. I want to gain weight, but I'm scared that the living with other people in this situation will challenge my ability to navigate feeding myself.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

Something terrible happened and I don't know how to process it. And I found out about it yesterday. I ate a couple of cubes of cheese yesterday. And then I ate dinner but I don't remember what it tasted like. I think I stopped eating. I didn't eat today. And I knew I needed to go to the grocery store to grab something for dinner tonight. And I felt so weak and dazed and in a fog that I made myself eat a couple of cookies to get something sweet in me so that I could get to the store and back. I ate dinner. I feel so lost and exhausted.

 

[71nothing]

I know I'm losing control of my eating but now in a different way. My life has changed so drastically (for the better) over the past three weeks.

As a result I started eating more but I'm really in a panic because I've gained 8 pounds in three weeks. I'm so afraid I'm going to gain back all 82 pounds that I lost. Now that I've started feeding my body it's like it can't get enough. I'm hungry all the time. My body doesn't really even know what to do with the food and it makes me sick and uncomfortable often.

My exercise routine is off too so that isn't helping. All this change has been good for me, my eating disorder, and my OCD.

I need to find a way to balance all this. Is it normal to eat like this when you start eating again. I'm really worried about it.

 

[Abstract]

71, It is entirely normal and OK. I am so glad and relieved for you. Your body has been starved for a long time and doesn't trust you.

What I would recommend is to try to eat mindfully. In other words try to slow down and appreciate what you are eating. Don't beat yourself up if it is frantic as your body and mind have to learn to trust that you won't starve them again. Keep reminding yourself you won't and try to avoid beating yourself up when you can.

Also try to think of how you feel emotionally before and after you eat. After you have given yourself some time what you want to do is check in on yourself and see why you are eating and how full or empty you are at regular intervals. Eat regularly too.

If you separate your emotional and physical life and respect your bodies hunger signals you will not fall into either spectrum of the ED behaviours. It isn't easy but with work you can do it.

These are all ED behaviours: restricting, fasting, laxatives, purging, avoiding certain foods for illogical reasons, being obsessed about the healthiness of food in a way that interferes with health, compulsive overeating (when we are not deprived nutritionally and yet eat frantically and when we are not hungry), objective binging (about 2000 calories plus in a short space of time and frantically), over exercising etc...

Your body and mind are probably hungry at present. Keep in touch with them and treat them as respectfully as possible. Have you ever read the Minnesota Starvation Experiment? They all ate in an out of control way initially and then normalised.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I think my borderline ED is taking a turn. And not necessarily for the better. It's concerning me and stressing me out. But not to the point of feeling willing to change or stop. I've never been big on counting all of my calories. I just restrict. Then recently I was curious and counted my calories one day.

Yesterday I changed. I started obsessing more about calories. I sat for almost an hour and went over an estimation of my calories. I found where certain things keep me too close to maintaining instead of losing a little faster. And that's when something changed. All of a sudden I was deciding what needed to change in my eating go below that.

Then I decided to start counting calories on my dry cereal snack so I wouldn't be estimating anymore. The next thing I knew I was in the kitchen measuring out cups of dry cheerios. Then I was counting calories on everything including the butter substitute we use. I counted calories for eggs. For toast.

Last night I skipped my dry cereal snack. Mostly because I had to go to bed early so that I could get up early. But in my head all I could think was it was bonus because I'd be missing out on those calories. Today I was counting calories like I was yesterday. For just about every little thing. And by the time I got to around noon I'd eaten about 236 calories including my coffee with cream and sugar.

I was standing in front of the pantry and then the refrigerator. I felt weak and tired and I knew I needed to eat. My problem was I'd eaten once today already. And I never ever eat 3 meals in a day. While I was hungry I was getting increasingly anxious and I was basically pacing in and out of the kitchen.

I kept going to the internet and looking up items and their calorie amounts. I finally decided on something to eat. I knew it was small and that I'd need a little something else. So I literally caught myself counting green grapes and how many calories there are in 10 green grapes. I think I'm going to have to let my therapist know that this is happening with me. Because even though I don't want to stop it's starting to worry me a little bit.

 

[Britt.f7]

@BlackbirdSinging I think it is good that you are going to tell your therapist. It is also good that you shared on here.

I have a different problem. I found out yesterday that I wasn't as overweight as I thought, by about five pounds. You would have thought that would make me joyous, instead I started eating cookies, sweets, and I am still hungry for them all. This isn't normal. I normally don't eat as much as I am. I thought I was ready to lose weight, so you would think that I would be happy. Instead I'm not as witnessed by my hunger.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

My sisters were here for a week. We had an early Thanksgiving. I feel like I ate way too much. Way too often. Logic tries to tell me I basically ate the same but I'm having such a hard time believing it. We went to the beach. We took pictures while we were there. We weren't in bathing suits. We were just there for the sunsets.

I keep looking at the pictures and thinking I look about 8 sizes bigger than what the label in my clothes says. I feel like I'm exploding out of my clothes. I'm home and my daughter is still here visiting. My parents took my sisters to the airport this morning and then went out for awhile. I haven't eaten yet. I feel hungry which means I feel in control of my eating. But I'm trying to talk myself into making 2 scrambled eggs.

I'm fighting with myself about it. Thinking why would I eat now that I'm finally hungry and getting back in control of my eating? And another part of me is thinking I should eat because I'm hungry and I haven't eaten yet today. And then all I can think about are the pictures from the beach. And when I got dressed this morning I stood in front of the mirror checking to see if I could still see my ribs the same. And it's making me so anxious because my mom took the scale out of the house to use at her weight loss group. I'm thinking I really need to check my weight. I'm afraid of what the scale says. And in the meantime I'm still trying to talk myself into eating scrambled eggs. This is so maddening.

 

[71nothing]

So even though I've been working hard, challenging my thoughts, eating more, exercising less, and gaining weight (to a healthy weight), I was told today that I should still seek a higher level of care. Thing is I'm happy for once in my life. I'm in love for the first time ever at the age of 42. This person has been so good for my eating and my mood!

Then I find out today from the eating disorder clinic that my EKG showed <40 beats per minute. This totally scares me. Plus they said absolutely no exercise. I don't know what to do. I'm beside myself with fear that this is something serious and/or irreversible. My doctors appt can't come fast enough. Anybody have experience with a heart rate that low?

 

[Shulamit]

Well, I can definitely relate. My doctors don't know, but I've been displaying symptoms of anorexia and bulimia for 3 years and I've lost a lot of weight, but it was never about that. I think it's been more of a control issue, the same reason why I have OCD symptoms, (formally diagnosed OCPD). I have to be in control to feel comfortable. My eating habits is one way I feel like I can do that even though I know I am harming myself.

 

[Abstract]

Blackbird, I really hope you find it in you to tell your T all this. ED's cause much harm and don't help anything even though they feel like they do.

71, Hearts tend to be one of the most vulnerable when it comes to ED's. I haven't had the low heart beat but my mother did from heart strain from over exercising. It took her about 4 years but she is almost totally recovered now. This was caught early so hopefully you will heal quickly and completely. Do make sure you listen to your team! Also be very sure to tell them if you purge as it is just plain dangerous when it comes to hearts. Hang in there as you are taking steps in the right direction.

Getting over the exercise stuff is an essential part of recovery so maybe see this as taking the next step forward.

My doctors don't know,

i know it is terribly hard but you need to tell them Shulamit. You don't want to end up with a medical disability on top of the PTSD.

Brit, has your dietician suggested an exchange based mealplan? It can really help you face when your behaviours start creping in. I know it is very scary and may even trigger you a little to start. The concept. But I do think it can work very well at exposing what is really happening.

 

[anonymous]

I would recommend this support site for anyone struggling with eating problems. It has sections for anorexia, bulimia, eating disorders otherwise not specified, binge eating disorders and is moderated by people who have recovered and understand trauma. It is also carefully managed trigger wise and has different areas for different levels of recovery. Dead Link Removed