ED Ptsd & eating disorders

[Sues]

All of your posts have been such a help. I've always thought my eating was related to the trauma of what I went through (domestic violence). When I was with him, I over ate and got fat. I did this because it was the only thing that I could control. He controlled everything I did, except my weight. He also hates fat people, so I think it was a way to get back at him. Not healthy, I know.

When I left, I had lost a lot of weight and I kept it off. I used the gym as my stress relief. I wouldn't eat very much and I would workout for 3+ hours a day. Now, I'm over eating again and I know I don't eat because I am hungry. I eat because of all of the stress, and all of the 'bad stuff' I feel and am going through. So I feel like I'm a drug addict, and my drug is food.

 

[Shellbell]

I understand Sues, I'm still having issues and not eating enough, but not losing weight due to medications that slow the metabolism and I hate it. I hate that loss of control and not being able to lose the weight like before.

High stress and anxiety leads to these previous bad coping strategies and it's so hard to break these very strong habits and they are as strong as addictions.

 

[Traumagirl]

I've been struggling with an eating disorder for a long time. I know it stems from my childhood and my mother, but it's so difficult to control, even when happy things are happening in my life. I just don't know!

 

[Deleted member 17457]

I have a severe ED and have used food since I was 6, when the CSA started (I have CSA plus an extremely abusive 'relationship' with a much older man where I was repeatedly abused and raped). My childhood was very difficult because of my father (who had nothing whatsoever to do with the CSA) who was extremely controlling and demanding and punitive. My full-blown ED started when I was 14. I had two admissions to an EDU - once when I was 16 and had a BMI of 14.5 and my second when I was 22 and had a BMI of 12 (I was there 16 months and am only just out). I have binge-purge anorexia... I happen to be very 'talented' at throwing up, I would eat anything and everything I could get my hands on and just get rid of it. Plus I was drinking (at my low weight - just over 5st or 33kg) half a bottle of bourbon a night.

I was doing really well when I left hospital. Since then I have started drinking - now dependant which have never been before. Obviously I wasn't eating much so I wouldn't gain more weight. I am withdrawing now, which is hellish, and if anything I'm eating even less. I'm not weighing myself really but I know I've lost a reasonable amount.

I remember my worst abuser stalking me in his car when I was walking laps around my local block, when I was a ridiculously low weight. I remember him saying ''you look disgusting, you look like a skeleton, nobody would want to f*ck you now, you little whore'' and I remember internally going 'YESSSSSSSSS'.

I know I either feel I don't deserve to eat, or the thought/feeling of having 'something' in my stomach be it food or 'something' I've had to swallow makes me want to get it out. Purging is a way of getting rid of the anger and the hurt, and it recreates the feeling of being worthless and a 'thing' rather than a person (I really struggle with not feeling human). My weight is also 'mine'. I control what I weigh. I've been on maximum dose mirtazapine, and also on 20mg olanzapine, and neither of those made my weight increase. At the moment I take venlafaxine at the maximum dose and that kills my appetite dead, despite being on 150mg quetiapine too. Eating can also be a big trigger for flashbacks - forcing something in my mouth I really don't want to be there.

I used to also use massive amounts of blood both through self-harm and through a bleeding stomach ulcer, and have needed transfusions 3 times. They have been some of the most traumatic experiences of my life, along with gastroscopies - having something forced into my body (especially blood when it was a bodily fluid, although the scopes were pretty bad with it being my mouth and all). I have never been fed via NG tube - partially because of the physical risks with my throwing up so easily, but I'd never let things get to that point because I know that is something psychologically I could NOT deal with.

 

[tll]

After reading the book the Courage to Heal, I learned that it is common for child survivors to develop ED's. I am in diagnosed as havin one but I'm sure I fit the qualifications for anorexia. At 24 y.o. It's a struggle for me to weigh over 80lbs. The only thing that keeps me in check is my career that I'm required to stay healthy for. You are not alone in having issues with food and I do think its directly related to the trauma or at least the stress that has resulted from it. I know mine has anyways. One great thing that helped me some was the fitness tracker apps that let you input your foods for the day. They're good for gaining and losing a few pounds.

 

[Charmedone]

When i first left home, i discovered food and grew to love it a bit too much (piled on the weight) and then for years i was eating healthily.

Started eating less and less the busier my life became-5 jobs etc. Then when PTSD kicked in and i couldn't ignore the memories I began to lose weight rapidly.

It also has dangerously ingrained negative associations from my childhood.


I taught my brain to ignore my body's physical needs and signals, because many of its basic needs were denied.

Every bite is a struggle,

It's a scary lonely journey, and it's ruining my life.

Unfortunately, I can relate to everything you say MD *hugs for you*

Eating for me is more or less non existent right now. Any food in my mouth feels wrong so I eat nothing, it's so bad that I am being PEG fed (fed special milk through a tube into my tummy) just to keep alive.

Some days I do manage to force a tiny amount (less than a fork full) of food down but I am ashamed that I can't eat normally and hate myself cause I just can't, for me eating is painful.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I struggle with bingeing. As in, I have eaten ALL day!!! The day started out stressful, and I coped by eating constantly.

I remember as a kid, meals were sandwiches, or cereal, pancakes, and occasionally some meat. My mother is the same way. She hated cooking, and anything that looks 'house-wife-ish'. My dad has done most of what needed to be done, and is an honorable man who never thought of leaving her. They have been married for over 60 years.

My dad is overweight and has heart problems. When talking about dieting, he says it's the only thing that makes him feel good. My T asked me if he is trying to "eat himself to death?" I said "yes". After all what else is there? Mom is in her own world and has rarely done anything for anyone but her. Classic Narcissist.

I've fought bingeing my whole life, but never could purge. I eat for every emotion.

I feel bad if I try to look 'pretty' as that feels like I'm attracting attention. Early in my life, the church said that jewelry was bad, make-up is bad, as was playing cards, going to movies, or show bare arms, legs, or have a low neck-line. I know it is different now, but mentally I still follow the part about it being wrong to attract attention to myself.

I know when I feel good about how I look, I attract more attention from men, and that makes me want to eat. I was married four times, and have been single for 18 years. It sucks to want to lose weight, but when I do, I feel that I'm trying to 'get a man'.

I quit smoking pot about 5-6 weeks ago and thought I'd get over the munchies...I guess not!

I do feel better about myself, but not as good as I had hoped. I guess it'll take awhile to get past the need to compulsively eat.

Thanks for everyone's input. Helps me feel less alone!

 

[Traumagirl]

I go on this binge-eating forum and it has really helped my ED. I've gone 33 days without binging. It's called the Binge Eating Forum. [DLMURL]http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/[/DLMURL] Hope that helps.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Thanks, I'll check it out!

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

My relationship with food is fine.. as long as I'm in control. I haven't been diagnosed with an eating disorder but, my eating always ends up becoming an issue. I like food. But, I'm scared of gaining weight. I don't eat enough or regularly. Like sometimes all I'll eat is dinner and maybe I'll have a little snack when I'm watching tv later.

I can't keep a scale in the house or I get obsessive and start chasing numbers. And right now.. there's a scale in the house. I weigh myself almost everyday and sometimes twice. I've lost 18lbs this year which isn't a lot for a year but, it's how I did it that's kinda a problem.

My ex husband and I used to fight about my eating. He'd come home from work and one of his first questions was "what did you eat today?". That almost always ended up in an argument. He finally took me in to have an evaluation. The woman I met with said since I wasn't 70lbs she couldn't say I have anorexia. But, she said many of my views and history are equivalent.

At my most thin I was 92lbs but, I'm short so, most people write off how much I weigh anyway. I had a counselor about a year and a half ago who didn't like to use titles so, he said I have "disordered eating". So, I guess I don't have an eating disorder but, I do have issues with food to the point that I pretty much starved 18lbs off of myself in a year.

I told my new therapist about this and she said we're going to work on this as a separate issue and that she's going to require me to eat 3 meals a day. Which in my head translates into weight gained no matter what. I'm very uncomfortable changing what I'm doing. I'm also, uncomfortable knowing that it's not healthy.

 

[Abstract]

There are things I would like to say here but can never find the words! :hug: to everyone with trauma related eating issues. I know how hard it is.

 

[MomOfTwo]

I have disordered thinking around food. My dad used to withhold food. I was lucky to have more than one meal a day. I was not allowed to open the fridge or even get a drink of water. My father was very controlling with everything. My mom would allow you to open the fridge. My brother would sometimes sneak food in the night from the fridge. My dad would be angry the next day and belt all of us for food being eaten because my brother would not admit it so he hit all of us. Everything was earned and a priviledge.

I learned to disconnect and not be hungry. I was at my lowest in the 80's and I am five foot 4. I was diagnosed with anorexia. I saw a dietician and went to group therapy. I remember my mom getting really angry with me because her friends were concerned about me. She was just concerned with her friends being upset and could not care about me. I think I felt powerful because she could not control that. I did go to college and that became a focus for me and I think it was easier to quell the voice that said I am not deserving and I would just push through the negative thoughts. I have always felt I was not deserving of food. I don't think you ever get over an eating disorder. I have never felt good about eating.

I broke down in my doctors office last week and told him that I just feel like if I did not accomplish enough then I am not allowed to eat or don't deserve to eat. I don't think he gets it though. I don't think most people get it. It is the only way I know how to feel better even though it makes me unhealthy. My brother only eats once a day as well and he is very thin. Him and I have talked about it and he will say he just does not feel hungry. I told him to try and just schedule it even if he does not feel like it. I give the advice but have not been applying it to myself lately. I have been restricting and it feels good to restrict. I weigh myself several times a day as well. Even when I am not restricting I still weigh myself.

I am glad to not be the only person going through this and that it is a struggle for a lot of people that have suffered from trauma.