ED Ptsd & eating disorders

[Britt.f7]

Pirate Lady, my stepmom is like that too. I think she weighs about 80lbs wet. She thinks she looks good. I want to be thin again but I don't want to look like a skeleton

 

[LaurenZ123]

I could not share my thoughts with my family because when it comes down to the very essence of who I am they don't care to know me or who I am. I am glad I don't have to be in denial here and can just say how I feel without judgment.

Wow you really said quite eloquently what I can't find words for here. People around us literally do not understand or accept the very essence of who we are! Or so it feels at least. Thank you for putting words to that, I really relate. It makes me so sad that we live this way, but also feels good to have someone ACTUALLY get that.

Having to say everything that happened to me that I was in denial of was too much.

Wow how overwhelming! I am no expert but I can't imagine its a good idea to provoke someone with such horrible memories they have to repress them that much to bring them up at once. That sounds awful and i want to send you big hugs right now <3

it is the only thing that can make me feel good. It is comforting. I get why you feel at peace going to sleep feeling empty.

YES! I have been trying to explain the incredible feeling of safety when I go to bed empty to my therapist but all she ever says is "but that's false safety." YEAH, I know but it doesn't change what I'm telling you! I don't feel safe otherwise and when you're not used to feeling safe, which all humans NEED to feel, it's that much more powerful when you do.

I feel like some days I can be so good and proud that I ate 3 times a day and the next have so much anxiety that I did that so I need to restrict.

This happens to me too. It's SO confusing and frustrating! I am so so sad right now and I don't even know why. I feel like ripping all my skin off and just jumping right out of the disgusting shell (body) I am stuck inside. Normally this happens if I binge or something, but I haven't actually eaten much today or yesterday so this both confuses and scares me.

I feel like I'm a baseball player in a "pickle" if anyone knows what that is. I'm trapped between two "bad guys" and when I turn to run from one (restricting) I am faced with the other (feelings, memories, emotions, etc). Then I run from that back to my ED, say "what are you doing know you where this leads!?" And turn around again only to be confronted by the other "bad guy" even closer and scarier than before. It feels like they're closing in on me and I can't escape. It's scary!

I want to send you all lots of hugs tonight.

 

[LaurenZ123]

Britt and PirateLady,

It must be SO hard to have (and possibly live with?) family members who are so underweight. I have a hard enough time and I don't have anyone like that in my life. One of the things I try to tell myself when I'm feeling bad about my body or wanting to skip a meal etc is "think of all the people you care about in your life... Do you care what they look like? Would you still care about/admire them if they weighed more?" The answers always that I don't care what they look like. The sad part about this is the people I think of are all other girls I've met in treatment and therapists/social workers I've had. There is NO one in my life that I care about outside of them. That's not true, I'd love by sister no matter what, but I don't think she's capable of loving me back. Anyways, this is getting rambly, just wanted to tell you I feel for you both <3

 

[LaurenZ123]

So, I found this online... Kinda funny. No hope you all don't mind a little humor. If this offends anyone please let me know and ill take it down. Personally, I need to laugh at myself every now and then :)

.

 

[piratelady]

Do you care what they look like? Would you still care about/admire them if they weighed more?"

It's funny you said this. Growing up, I was quite a bit thinner than I am now. My mom, as I said was very under-weight. I don't know how many times you would say something about how much she weighed and how horrible she looked. Once I spoke up and said, "I weigh more than you, you think you're fat so you really must think I'm fat." Her response was that I am great as I am, and am not fat at all. It actually had the opposite effect that I was going for. She still thought she was overweight and I began concentrating more than ever before on my own weight.

Now, when she complains about her weight I just try to point out that her muscle-to-fat ratio is great, she looks good and is strong. It helps a little. Now she focuses on the BMI charts. According to that, she is overweight. She wears a size 4! She is a strong woman. Maybe one day she will see it.

 

[maddog]

I am just emerging, almost, from a bout of really really bad depression and general PTSD onslaut. I was dismayed, but never surprised, to note that my food limiting crashed to extreme levels almost before I realised I was sliding. Even at my best and most managed, I cringe when people tell me I'm looking more healthy, and while it is inevitably meant as an encouraging comment to reinforce my better eating, it has absolutely the opposite effect on me and without fail will cause me to begin limiting again. Sadly, I feel a morbid sort of satisfaction when people tell me I'm looking a bit thin... and trying to rationalise my way out of those feelings doesn't help at all.

It's scary the extent to which I self sabotage and don't even care. Feeling really, really down about this stuff again right now...

Maddog

 

[MomOfTwo]

I thought healthy was another word for fat. That was back in my early twenties.

It is used as another word for putting on weight. Not the thing to say about someone who has disordered eating. I think talking about something else besides weight is best. My mom used to tell me that I was fatter than she was at my age. I was 109 pounds and five foot 4. My aunt told me that my mom was way bigger than me but it gave me a bit of a complex over my weight. My mom used to point out when my sister gained weight and she would even tease and say, "your getting fat". She thought it was funny. My sister had bigger breasts too and my mom would point out how big they were getting. I used to feel sorry for my sister because she always covered her body up. I prayed all through puberty that I would never end up with big breasts as I thought it was a horrible thing. People do not realize how words can affect you emotionally. I am sorry your uncle did not choose his words better. He could have set something like "you look beautiful".

 

[MomOfTwo]

Sadly, I feel a morbid sort of satisfaction when people tell me I'm looking a bit thin... and trying to rationalise my way out of those feelings doesn't help at all.

It's scary the extent to which I self sabotage and don't even care. Feeling really, really down about this stuff again right now...

Maddog

I am sorry you are struggling Maddog. You are not alone. I am happy for you that you are starting to emerge from your bout of really bad depression. Alcoholics have what they call sponsors. It is probably a good idea for disordered eating folks to have support like that. I really think it is just another addiction. It is just to easy to fall back on old behaviours when struggling and most of our families don't get it. We may be the person that is always smiling or always picking some one else's emotions up. I know I am seen as a caretaker in my family. I have always been that. Not sure if you as well were a caretaker but it seems like many of us with eating disorders are or have been. We neglect ourselves but give to others.

 

[MomOfTwo]

Wow you really said quite eloquently what I can't find words for here. People around us literally do not understand or accept the very essence of who we are! Or so it feels at least. Thank you for putting words to that, I really relate. It makes me so sad that we live this way, but also feels good to have someone ACTUALLY get that.

I want to send you all lots of hugs tonight.

I totally get the baseball analogy. I am glad you got what I said and could relate about people around us not getting the 'essence of who we are'. I think in a way they have made it too difficult for me to be who I am around them so I just shut down and keep to myself. I feel like a mere shadow of nothing in the room with them sometimes. I am sending you positive thoughts and hugs as well. One thing my psychiatrist taught me was to cross my arms over my chest to my shoulders when I am stressed and just tap. She said it is calming and works. I have tried it when I am having anxiety and it does help a bit. I thought it sounded hokey but she told me she used it on herself.
I am going to send you a more detailed post because I have an early morning with the tots. I hope you have restful sleep and relaxing day

 

[MomOfTwo]

She still thought she was overweight and I began concentrating more than ever before on my own weight.

Now, when she complains about her weight I just try to point out that her muscle-to-fat ratio is great, she looks good and is strong. It helps a little. Now she focuses on the BMI charts. According to that, she is overweight. She wears a size 4! She is a strong woman. Maybe one day she will see it.

They say that eating disorders can be hereditary. I am sorry her struggle has made you have your own weight issues as well but completely understandable. I know my mom's comments about weight affected me. too.

 

[therapybankrupt]

I wonder why when we are in the throws of the PTSD symptoms some people restrict and some binge?

 

[Britt.f7]

Therapy Bankrupt, it's normally about control. Can't control the PTSD, but I can control what I put into my body, or don't put into it.

My mom used to point out when my sister gained weight and she would even tease and say, "your getting fat". She thought it was funny.

My sister does this with her daughter and it makes me crazy. She knows I have an eating disorder and the things said to me over my life time, yet she does this with her daughter.

When I was too thin my mom said my head looked too big for my body. When I put on some weight, my mom told me my butt looked like a shelf. No win.