ED Ptsd & eating disorders

[BlackbirdSinging]

Oh I know what you mean about the apple part. I have these weird rules about certain foods. Or about all foods at certain times. I guess they're safe foods. I know which ones are my safe foods for like a week or two. And that's all I'll eat from. And then dinner since I eat it with my parents I limit how much I get. And I almost always especially recently make an effort to eat half of what I'm served. It used to be just eat less than what I'm served. It's become common for me to leave the dinner table not even feeling full. I think I take in maybe 1000 calories a day depending. And that's if I have two meals. I don't remember the last time I had three.

This is really the only place I open up and talk about it because like when I mentioned it to my mom she said "I see you eat and you eat good". Like today for example. I had a cup and a half of coffee. And then I had dinner. So I didn't eat until like 5:30pm. And my dad made me a small pizza homemade. I ate part of that. And like a half hour later a little more of it. And then I had this small fried bread thing. I know I won't eat again until sometime tomorrow afternoon.

So I'm here thinking fried bread and rubbing my ribs and literally gripping my hip bone. I obsess about how much how many how big all the time. And when I get hungry I think "wait what did you eat today?". And if I didn't eat yet I tell myself to hold out. And if I did eat but it was something really small like an apple then I'll let myself eat something else that's small. I just keep coming up with these rules as the day goes on. And if I feel like I ate too much that day I feel terrible. When I'm hungry I feel like I'm in control so to speak.

 

[Abstract]

Sadly it is all a terrible illusion. It's like if we can do battle 25 hours of the day with our bodies and ourselves and second by second going over the battle plan and wins and losses then all the real bad stuff will go away.

Sadly it doesn't and the only thing ed's accomplish is to convert those feelings into another form that is unsolvable and leads to more and more misery. Dealing with the actual problem - the emotions and trauma - means getting to a better safer and healthier place. ED's are like sitting in the traffic and concentrating on the texture of the tar under us and nothing else. Except that the
distraction involves intense self hatred.

One of the best things that I gained when I got rid of it was the enormous space in my mind and ability to think.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

It's definitely a fight. Part of me thinks "what are you doing to your body?". And when I eat the other part of me says "what are you doing to your body?". It's ironic like that. I feel trapped if I eat. And concerned for my health if I don't. And more than anything I'm so scared of gaining weight.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

Something else. When I met with my new therapist and I told her about my borderline ED she asked me a couple of questions and then she asked if I've seen a doctor. I was like what? And she said "you know to kind of discuss with you what you're doing to your body nutritionally speaking". And then I thought about admitting this to a medical doctor. And then I wanted to crawl into a hole. Why did it make me feel like she was going to send me to someone? I don't know if I'm anywhere near ready to see someone about this. It's sad but my first thought is how I didn't reach whatever weight goal it is that I have in mind yet so I can't stop yet and go see someone :(.

 

[Abstract]

The problem is (and I promise you this) that no amount is ever enough. It is another con. More just means more and more obssession and despair. It just does not deliver what it promises to deliver.

One of the things that helped me the most was to see doing the right thing as doing anything that terrified or seriously p'ed off the ED part of me. So if it was screaming and shouting, terrified or having a freak then I was doing something right and winning.

Seeing a dr would be a very good idea. Preferably one that specialises in ED's as others often don't do the right tests. .

 

[71nothing]

One of the things that helped me the most was to see doing the right thing as doing anything that terrified or seriously p'ed off the ED part of me. So if it was screaming and shouting, terrified or having a freak then I was doing something right and winning.

So true Abstract and a good reminder. My brain will make a healthy decision only to be abrubtly stopped before I follow through by this screaming, panic stricken ED tantrum.

It's definitely a fight. Part of me thinks "what are you doing to your body?". And when I eat the other part of me says "what are you doing to your body?". It's ironic like that. I feel trapped if I eat. And concerned for my health if I don't. And more than anything I'm so scared of gaining weight.

Isn't it exhausting? I feel like I am fighting with myself every second of every day! It makes no sense.

One of the best things that I gained when I got rid of it was the enormous space in my mind and ability to think.

I'm glad to hear this ended in a positive for you. I'm terrified of what will come into my mind next when I get rid of what is currently there. Everytime I seem to have a handle on the OCD thoughts, they are soon filled with something worse.

I just keep coming up with these rules as the day goes on

I have more rules than I even know I have. I'll think I can eat something and then it's against the rules. It's very frustrating.

Today I'm struggling because I'm going out of town tonight until tomorrow. I've been so excited for this trip. It's just me and a friend going and we are running in a 5K tomorrow morning. Yesterday the panic set in.

"but I'm going to miss aqua zumba"
"I won't have time to do my weight lifting"
"I need to go running but I'll be driving so I can't"
"I've eaten too much today to not do my exercise routine tomorrow"

Then the "fix it" thoughts
"I just won't eat as much tomorrow"
"In fact I won't eat anything"
"Maybe I just won't go"
"There are always laxatives"

There are logical thoughts too. I just have a hard time listening to them.
"You're going to run a 5K. You'll get plenty of exercise."
"You need to eat to perform well"
"You will want to go out with your friend for a drink or two. You need to eat to do that safely"
"One day of changing you exercise routine is not going to mess up your weight loss."
"If you take laxatives you will be too sick to run"

I want to call either my therapist or my personal trainer to talk through this panic but I feel so stupid in doing so. I just talked all this through with them on Wednesday night. I should be able to get myself through the day less than two days later. I know they said I should call them but I just can't. Feeling like I can't just makes me need to be more controlling. There just isn't a solution.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

You're not stupid. And you're definitely not stupid for calling. And in fact you're more brave and courageous than I am. I'm stuck in the stage before you in that I know I should do something or talk to someone. But I won't. I can't. I still have more weight to lose. And I don't think I can battle PTSD GAD MDD and try to rationally calm my fears of gaining weight if I start eating "normally". I'm nowhere near where you are in even being willing to try. My head is buried deep in the scale. And it's a very hard fight. I feel even more trapped because due to back neck and hip injuries chronic pain and a pinched nerve I can't exercise. Somewhere deep inside of me I look forward to the day where I can be as willing as you are. Please be kind to yourself. I don't know if you realize just how far you're going. Even if the steps are small or if you're going slow. You're doing it. And you'll get there. I know you will :hug:.

 

[71nothing]

Thank you Blackbird. It's a good reminder.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

You're very welcome :).

 

[presentjoy]

I talked to Therapist today about maybe ED. She gave me this packet of questionnaires. I did them, but the questions on the ED one were focused on behaviours like measuring thighs or wrists, or lying on the floor to see if one can feel their bones. When I go to someplace like something-fishy.org and do their questionnaire, it's getting much more at things I'm answering yes to. I'm printing my answers out to that quiz and taking it to her next appointment. ED-NOS. Maybe. At least she's taking me seriously. She said it was significant that I was bringing it up, considering my long history of deflecting questions about my low weight.

At the very least, it would be helpful to get a nutritionist's support. Although honestly sometimes it just feels like I can't get it together to make stuff. It's this endless cycle of dishes and groceries and I get so overwhelmed with it all.

I also think it's possible that the restriction I do sometimes (it's often, these days) is so related to stress, depression and self-harm. But I don't know that the idea of the underweight and sometimes going long stretches of not eating til I'm faint, is NOT an ED.

I'm depressed thinking about it, so I'm going to stop thinking about it for a while. Just ate ramen noodles. It's not nutritious but at least salt is good.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I talked to Therapist today about maybe ED.

That's a really good thing :). I think it's great that you had the courage to open up :).

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I did bad today. And I was right. I didn't eat today until I ate a handful of crackers at around 4pm. I didn't eat again until dinner which was late at 6:30pm. Our refrigerator broke and we were waiting for hours for the new one to be delivered. The delivery guys were running late so I ran out and grabbed takeout for my dad and I. Of course I ate half of it. But all day long it was "eat something" and then "no" with a lot of reasons why. I went back and forth in my head with all of these reasons why I should and then why I shouldn't eat. I just went round and round.