Putting up healthy boundaries for myself

[BlueWeepingRose]

I've never done this before, I always used to be a doormat and just allow people to mistreat me and get away with anything. Now I'm speaking up and setting up healthy boundaries for myself. This is different. This is new. People are not used to this or how I am now. I just want to do this for myself. I hope this will go away, there's times where I'll have anxiety anytime I say, "This makes me uncomfortable." or "Can you please not do __________." Just simply being honest with myself and being honest because I never was able to do this before.

There's been a few times where they told me, that it somehow hurt them or it stung them a bit because I'm telling them what I'm not okay with, comfortable with it, this is when the anxiety comes in and I end up avoiding conversations for awhile or from that person because I don't like being made to feel guilty. I simply was looking out for myself. There still needs to be some work, just anytime they seemed upset, I don't know what to do. I simply was setting up boundaries for myself, I shouldn't have to feel guilty for this. Right now I'm not okay with hugs unless the person asks me. I'm aware of what triggers me and what sets me off. The anxiety sets in right afterwards, I assume this is because I'm not used to this. I hope others can relate with me here, so I don't feel alone. The anxiety freaks me out anytime this happens soon after. Is this normal?

 

[EveHarrington]

just anytime they seemed upset, I don't know what to do.

You do nothing.

It’s not your job to manage their feelings when you set boundaries in a respectful and assertive manner.

People WILL act oddly when you start setting boundaries when you’ve never done so in the past. Don’t let this stop you from sticking up for yourself.

 

[Invisible Fire]

I completely understand and relate with what you are saying. I also have begun setting boundaries and there is a lot of push and pull with people trying to go back to the “old me”. I also experience a lot of anxiety but it is worth it as people are starting to adjust to me sticking up for myself. Some people are not adjusting and I am not going back to my old ways to accommodate. I agree with Eve and we can not let this stop us for standing up for ourselves

 

[KimmyO]

You keep being you, do what is comfortable and if they have a problem with it, that is their problem, not yours. You can't fix everyone. To help w the anxiety, taking magnesium and ginseng help a lot. They calm the mind body and spirit and get rid of sticky negative thoughts that loop around. Hope this helps you. You are doing great, boundaries are good.

 

[grit]

I think this is very normal. What is even better than normal is YOU ARE FEELING AND ACKNOWLEDGING IT RIGHT AFTER AND CAN SEE THE CONNECTION. Anxiety is not always bad actually. My god if we get no anxiety about anything, we would be like a worm!

I will add though when a person says they are hurt by you, for example, because you do not want the hug. It is good relational stand to acknowledge their hurt too just as they acknowledge your saying no to a hug.

It is good to say something (your own words and feelings) but to the extent of I know my saying no hurts you but it is not my intention to hurt you and thank you for respecting my boundary.

That way you deal with the anxiety of your own guilt (because you acknowledge your actions can hurt others or cause hurt) and you still kept honest for yourself not falling for I am hurt let me hug you BUT more importantly, you are not fracturing the relationship by noting their feeling and still asserting yours.

My comment depends on who the person is. If it is stranger or an acquaintances, no reason to have feelings involved but a close or loved one, you owe to acknowledge your action can evoke other feelings in others and still be assertive and authentic to have your boundaries...if you actually want to live in communities and maintain relationships.

In due time, this will become natural.

 

[blackemerald1]

Agree with above but also keep in mind you don't need to alienate people by being too abrupt about it all.

Not saying you should not have those boundaries but keep in mind they (these people you are enforcing them with) may be new to your having a boundary for what they perceive as normal interactions like greeting with a hug...

So, keep it light and make sure they understand that they haven't done something dreadful (if they haven't).

Boundaries are about you. Not you paying out on someone else.

:)