Question About Having Friends Of The Opposite Sex

[Pietro]

I have been in a relationship with a woman the past few months. It's been pretty rocky, and it may now be over. One issue, among many, that seems to be a real problem for her is that I, as a male, have a friend of the opposite-sex. I don't see or talk to her very often -- she has a steady boyfriend herself. However, I do like to stay in-touch with her, because... well, she's my friend. I had made arrangements to visit with her this Friday evening (arrangements made during a time when the woman I've been dating told me she was done with our relationship), which greatly upset the woman I've been dating. I even offered to try to reschedule, but that went nowhere either.

I don't have that many friends, particularly ones that I really connect with and trust. This female friend is someone I really enjoy talking to. There's never been any romantic connection between us. I hang-out with male friends often for the same reason. I told the woman I've been dating that I had no problem if she wanted to go visit with any male friends she has at times. I tried to be honest and open and not keep secrets or be deceitful.

Thus, my question is, am I wrong to retain friends of the opposite-sex while dating, or while in a relationship? Is this considered universally wrong, or is this particular to each individual?

There's some history for me regarding this. For most of my life, I was very inclined to appease others in order to stay in their good favor, especially relationship partners. I'd give-up whatever I had to in order to maintain a relationship, or do things "quietly", without their knowledge (no, not cheating ;) ), to keep a friend or partner from being angry with me -- typical abandonment fear.

I've finally gotten to the point where I'm not willing to do that anymore. Certainly, there's give and take in relationships -- but I'm no longer willing to give-up my identity, my own life, and the people in my life, in an attempt to make another person happy, which usually fails anyway. I've learned to trust and to be confident with a partner, as long as they are honest and open with me, and I'm now doing the same. I tried doing this with the woman I've been dating, but no luck.

I'm comfortable with my decision to have opposite-sex friends, even if it causes this relationship to fail (as I mentioned, this is only one of many issues). However, I also feel bad because this has so greatly upset the woman I've been dating. I never meant to hurt her, or be a jerk, or anything mean-spirited. I just want to have friends outside of a relationship, regardless of gender. I think this is very important. Your opinions are welcome. :)

 

[AnnaLost]

I have friends, of all genders. My late husband never had a problem with it, because he knew they were just that, friends. Some happen to be male, some aren't.

This sounds like a problem the woman you were dating has, not yours. I find both genders, if they are themselves insecure, will try and foist that kind of manipulation off on me. I've gotten extremely good at recognizing it, and not allowing it. I'm sorry you are going through this. But I would say, and this is definitely only my humble opinion, this isn't the person for you. I personally don't think I could date someone who couldn't accept me, and my choice of friends, in a welcoming and loving way.

 

[Anarchy]

It certainly comes across as being your now ex's baggage, not yours.

I know that some of my ex's, and partners of friends and colleagues, got wound up about female friends and colleagues. I guess that there are lonely little prison cells there for anyone who wants to get into them, in the name of an easy life...

It has been a big awakening for me in the last year, to learn and consciously realise that I have no control over whether someone else feels happy or sad.

It comes across that your now ex has some serious interpersonal boundary and co-dependency issues to work on.

It's especially rich if she has dumped you and Still expects to have you walk on eggshells for her benefit.

Sorry that you have been put into this situation.

 

[Yunie]

The only time I would ever have a problem with my significant other having female friends is if I wasn't allowed to hang out with them. If you say that you're open to her coming to your plans, it really shouldn't be a problem. Heck, most of the time my partner will ask if I wanna join and if they've been friends for a while I'll decline because I know they'll talk about past stuff and inside jokes so much that I'll get bored :). I really hate this for you, you shouldn't have to abandon who you are in a relationship. There's this thing called compromise, but it works on both ends.

 

[watundah]

Never understood why we must shut out half the population based on gender once in a relationship.

Sometimes trust comes with time and reassuring that friends are just friends and there's no one else you'd rather be with.

 

[Friday]

Some people really do have a problem with this.

The vast majority of my friends have always been men. That's just who I am. Maybe about 10% of the men I've dated have had a major problem with this. Of that 10%, 90% fall into the "men & women can't be friends" camp / ie if you're dating me then I need to be the only man in your life. Nope! That just not gonna happen. Sorry Charlie, but I'm not the girl for you, then. No hard feelings, & adios. Meanwhile the remainder? Abusive controlling assholes in the making. It wouldn't matter if my friends were men, women, or smurfs. Systematic removal of all things in support of Friday. Adios, again, but this time? Don't let the door hit ya, where the good lord split ya! Or do. I don't care. But bye bye now.

The caveat on all this is that occasionally I'll be dating a man who has no issue with most of my friends being men. What they do take issue with is a particular friend. That one I need to sit back on my heels with for a time. Mostly because I've found they're usually right. There is something about my friend which makes them justifiably nervous, pissed off, territorial, edgy. Sometimes? LOL, they can simply learn to deal. :D ((Sorry, but the claim-staking gestures men make around other men, particularly men that set their teeth on edge; the hand on the small of your back, etc. crack me up. I do not inhibit this. But there might as well be a neon sign blinking overhead with "Mine." written in the marquis.)) Other times, maybe even most times, I pull back from the friendship. It very much depends on who it is they're taking issue with.

 

[Ronin]

My perception of gender, of mine and others, falls outside of these two categories; so with answering, I don't really have 'opposite sex'.

I get on better with masculine people, of any gender. Interests & mode of expression & things commonly considered small stuff to not sweat that's popularly a big deal in more feminine circles.

Simultaneously, dudebro culture as a part of any culture pisses me off. As do multiple other things about power & hierarchies that don't. keep. working. for people in the process & throw so many under the bus. So the pool of fine - nice - great - tolerable - get the hell away from me gets easy muddy.

Back to your question though.

Are you wrong to retain friends.... nope. That question is fairly self answering, I think. They're your friends. Who has a problem with it can fix it on their own, that is not your problem, and making it one isn't fair.

Adding: I'm going on assumption these are people that are for some reason beneficial to you. It's different when the new partner has reasons for concern, warning tells the person they're newly dating has been ignoring for this or that reason. Even then, though, insisting they break the ties, right this instant, in a way that new partner wants it done? Reads controlling to me and a lot of unhelpful, missing the mark, things.

 

[Pietro]

Thanks to everyone that's replied, thus far. It's so helpful to get the perspective of others here. :)

I find both genders, if they are themselves insecure, will try and foist that kind of manipulation off on me.

This is how I feel. I think it also has to do with how the issue is approached. Being told to break ties or else is not a very collaborative approach. ;) I'm trying to break the behavior of simply jumping every time a significant other complains. I recognize that this is probably hitting-up against some of her own issues, and I'm definitely sympathetic to that. But, at the same time, this means that the relationship is probably not a healthy one -- for either of us.

I personally don't think I could date someone who couldn't accept me, and my choice of friends, in a welcoming and loving way.

Amen. :)

It has been a big awakening for me in the last year, to learn and consciously realise that I have no control over whether someone else feels happy or sad.

Me too. I had first figured this out intellectually, but it took a while for my emotions to catch-up.

It comes across that your now ex has some serious interpersonal boundary and co-dependency issues to work on.

Hit the nail on the head regarding the codependency issues; she's self-admitted this. This has also been one of my biggest weaknesses, but I've done a lot of work on moving past this. In the past, I wouldn't have stood my ground on any issue, for this reason. I'm trying to do that now.

It's especially rich if she has dumped you and Still expects to have you walk on eggshells for her benefit.

I've been through that before. :D This relationship is not quite as bad as that, but there has been some of this. Sometimes it takes a while, at least for me, to recognize this dynamic.

The only time I would ever have a problem with my significant other having female friends is if I wasn't allowed to hang out with them.

This is a good point. We hadn't actually discussed this option, but it was one that I'd considered; we just never really got to the point of "discussion". :/ In the future, though, I think I will always make this part of this conversation -- lesson learned.

I really hate this for you, you shouldn't have to abandon who you are in a relationship.

This is the thing I'm most concerned about. I've done this most of my life, within and outside of relationships. I'm finally, after all of these decades, learning who I am, what my likes and preferences are -- and not feeling ashamed and guilty in doing so. (This may sound ridiculous to some, but to others who've been through similar childhood emotional trauma, this probably sounds very familiar. ;) ) To sacrifice that now, and fall-back into old, unhealthy behaviors... I just can't.

Never understood why we must shut out half the population based on gender once in a relationship. Sometimes trust comes with time and reassuring that friends are just friends and there's no one else you'd rather be with.

I don't understand that either; never have. I agree regarding trust -- but she never really gave me that opportunity.

What they do take issue with is a particular friend. That one I need to sit back on my heels with for a time. Mostly because I've found they're usually right. There is something about my friend which makes them justifiably nervous, pissed off, territorial, edgy. Sometimes? LOL, they can simply learn to deal. :D ((Sorry, but the claim-staking gestures men make around other men, particularly men that set their teeth on edge; the hand on the small of your back, etc. crack me up. I do not inhibit this. But there might as well be a neon sign blinking overhead with "Mine." written in the marquis.))

I understand this. Some people give-off a "vibe", or simply make other men/women feel insecure because of some special characteristic -- attractiveness, popularity, etc. But, as you suggest, what's most important is how your significant other acts in regard to the person.

I've seen men be territorial like this, but I've also seen women do it too. :) I will go so far as to say that it's not a bad thing for others to find your significant other attractive. It boosts their ego, reassuring them that they are still attractive to others. This is important. Attraction is not a singular thing. A relationship is a choice people make to commit to each other beyond attraction.

I'm going on assumption these are people that are for some reason beneficial to you. It's different when the new partner has reasons for concern, warning tells the person they're newly dating has been ignoring for this or that reason. Even then, though, insisting they break the ties, right this instant, in a way that new partner wants it done? Reads controlling to me and a lot of unhelpful, missing the mark, things.

Yes, this person is. She's just super interesting -- artistic, philosophical, etc. We have NO chemistry, romantically. ;) And we get each other. She's good to talk to.

Since I'd started with the woman I've been dating (about 3 months), I've only talked to this friend once or twice, and haven't seen her. I don't think it would be appropriate to hang around with a friend, of any gender, too much, especially at the expense of time with a significant other. But I think once every few months should be fair.

 

[Cas]

I have PTSD and am having family problems with my wife she doesn't seem to understand the situation I'm in I can't hardly be around people for anger and frustration and fear of being trapped any suggestions

 

[Ronin]

@Cas, what people can you be around?

I mean you say reasons for which you can't - but for which reasons you can, and with what kinds of people? Have you tried to talk with her more about that situation? Wishing you well, in every case. Hang in there.