Questions For Those With Ptsd - Vets Especially

[LMM]

Long story short, my fiancé ended our relationship this weekend because he couldn't deal with the stress of my ex husband. This was very sudden. My ex husband has always caused us stress but it has actually gotten better. The trigger was my son (from my previous marriage) bringing home some pictures for his dad. My fiancé has been in my son's life since he was three and my son thinks of him as another parent. My fiancé despises that I have to pay my ex husband child support and feels that with all we do for my son he loves his dad more. So now he is shutting us out.

My fiancé served two tours in Iraq in the Marine Corp and suffers from PTSD. Until I spoke to a family member of his this last week I didn't completely understand PTSD but now it is all coming together on why he acts the way he does. He doesn't like crowds, he can't get over the little stresses in life and can never see that things can get better. He gets angry easily and drinks. And he says he's better off on his own, that he can handle things if he's alone. This is the third time he's broken up with me suddenly, though the other two times were at the beginning of our relationship. I know he still loves me and has feelings for me and he admits that but says he just can't get over the stress of my ex husband. In the past my parents had said they felt God brought him into my life to help me through everything because he had been so strong and supportive. The thing is I know that he is stressed and made a very impulsive decision because of the stress.

Can anyone give me a little clarity. I feel like with my research I understand things better than I did before but I'm not really sure what to do or why he feels this can't be worked through. Should I just leave him alone and let him have his space and hope that he comes around? What is he feeling/dealing with in terms of how this relates to PTSD? This is pretty new to me so I'll take any advice I can get.

 

[Sighs]

Welcome to the forum.

Have you seen the stress cup explanation on this site? (Some-one tech savy please post the link - I can't work out how.)

If you want to try and patch things up I would send ONE (and only one) message saying that you love him and when he ready you would like to talk. Then give him the space he needs to deal with his stress.

Good luck!

 

[StarChild]

Hi @Lmm, link to the stress cup explanation:
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/#post-173960

Another very helpful read "Understanding PTSD" (PDF-file attached):
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/understanding-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd.86476/

Hope it will be of help for you. :tup:

 

[Lmm]

Thank you! Still reading through the article but both are incredibly helpful! Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. :)

 

[Nico]

Welcome to the forum. I came here too with a somewhat similar, but different story. My ex also suffers from combat related PTSD. He was always very communicative, fun, and sweet to describe him briefly. He came back from his last deployment a jerk. Towards the tail end of his deployment he became cold and thought I was arguing with him when I was merely inquiring about what he was doing (he was out of communication for a while). That turned around and when he first returned, he was his old self. That almost immediately went south one weekend when his life became ridiculously stressful. He freaked out on me saying he doesn't have any feelings for me and that he has no idea what the future will be like. I didn't know who this man was that I was talking to. He is divorced, so I feel like the ex (they have kids) laid a huge guilt trip on him on top of whatever else was causing him to go berserk. He made some comment like, "I don't want to ever go through that again." I assumed that was divorce because of all the ramblings that were coming out of his mouth. He then said, "but you and I have such a strong connection. Let's just start over and take it slow." No idea what that meant because we were already a couple and weren't looking to rush down the aisle. 3 days go by and zero communication aside from a lengthy text that was written to me in military fragmented type speak. Again I was like, "who the heck is this guy?" I responded and that's the last I ever heard from him and that was 12/5/14. This was not a 2 month relationship, mind you. This man has been in my life for 20 years, but we didn't get seriously involved until almost 2 years ago.

What *I* suggest you do is back off and let him come to you. When these guys go through these isolation periods, there's nothing you can do. If he ended your relationship, then don't go chasing him. He's ended it with you a few times...imagine if you were married? I guess if he understands his triggers/emotions and you can support him because you know he'll turn around, then that's different. Many on here will tell you to let him know you still love him and are there for him. I did that too, but it didn't seem to matter. I don't think he has the emotional strength to apologize for the hell he put me through. Instead, he chose to just disappear and not respond to anything. My ex chose to not bring me along as a supporter. That's bad character and if your guy is the same, it won't ever work out. I'm really sorry you are going through this...it is extremely painful. It took me months to get over this and I still think about him, but I am not going to ever contact him again. I lost not only my love, but one of my best friends. I've started dating another man, but because of what I went through, we are moving at snail pace ;).

There's a thread on here somewhere about military PTSD and why these men act the way they do. It helped me a lot and one gritty comment was about the disappearing and how most may not come back because of the guilt and shame. I'll see if I can find it for you...

 

[Nico]

By the way, sorry for kinda hijacking the thread and going off onto my own story. Guess I just wanted to share. I was hurt really bad.

Anyway, I can't locate that thread I was mentioning that REALLY helped me a lot in understanding more about combat ptsd.

I wish you the best. It's tough for supporters, but it's also hard on the sufferers. Communication really helps.

 

[Lmm]

No problem, sometimes you just need to do a lot of writing/talking to heal. I hope things are going better for you and thank you for sharing. : )

 

[Nico]

Thanks. I hope things work out for the best for you and your vet. It's not fair that he keeps breaking up with you when things get rough. Could it also be that he's afraid you may end things with him, so he tries and beats you to it first?

Things are going a lot better for me and I saw a great quote on my Facebook today. "The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you and you try to understand their situation instead of trying to hurt them back." That made me feel good because I never once said anything mean to him and it doesn't appear that you have with your vet.

 

[Lmm]

I'm glad things are going well for you! : ) Like you did I think I am coming to terms with the end and accepting it. He is taking what he feels is the easy road and wants to live alone because it's easier. Trying to change his mind will only push him further away and I can't keep living with hope that May likely never come to fruition. It hurts but I need to accept the things I cannot control.

 

[Friday]

I've gone off the rails I don't even know how many times over the past few years dealing with my own ex & child. Not to mention dozens of smaller flare ups. Just this weekend I had to miss my son's game, because my ex showed up. So my kid is pissed at me, my mom is pissed at me, and I'm just burning ball of rage pissed at absolutely everyone & everything, and most of all myself, and f*ck this whole goddamn world, and every f*cking thing in it... And the game? Just the fuse. It wasn't about the game. It's every goddamn thing from the past XYZ years, from nuclear big to every little petty little... Gah. & Breathe.

And how do I not let that spill over on him? He's a kid. He doesn't even know 93.4% of everything involved. Nor should he. So what do I do? Protect him the only way I know how. Pull back. Hard.

How do you explain to a kid that the reason you missed their game, just sitting in the parking lot, is that if you were there? You'd be taken away in a police car for murdering their other parent... Because your self control is on the damn ropes? You don't. You suck it up. And suck it up. And suck it up.

That only goes so far before 3... 2... 1.... Boom.

 

[Lmm]

I have a question for you...I don't know if your situation is similar to what me and my (I guess former) fiancé are going through. I haven't done anything to him. I've always been a good fiancé and he knows I love him. He now blames me for his anxiety and stress because of my ex but I have no control over that. I still in his house for the time being and he ignores me 100%, avoids me and is cold towards me (does little things he knows will hurt me). Why? Why can't he just be nice to me and tell me it's over? Don't know if you or anyone can answer this for me...

 

[Nico]

I think you'll see on here that most the supporters don't do anything to their sufferers. I was only nice and trying to be understanding to my guy transitioning back home, but it was all on him. The way he talked to me I had never experienced and I think he chose to push me out because he didn't know how to talk to me...or want me to see him not himself. Little does he know, that hurt like a knife slashing my heart. It's easy for a supporter to think they did something wrong and wonder if they said the wrong things...lord did I beat myself up over that.

I'd suggest that you read more about why sufferers act like they do. It's likely you didn't do anything. It's a very complicated disorder and they do things that is very hard for non sufferers to understand. There are many, many forums on here. There's also a supporters section where you can read about their experiences.

Can you go live with a family member or friend for a few days?