Respect Chat Or Lose It Individually, Part 2

[EveHarrington]

@Alice.in.Wonderland

My goal was to let the person know they were scaring others in chat with their behavior, not to add fuel to the fire. This way the person knows they were doing something disruptive. Just ignoring allows the behavior to continue unchecked and doesn't do any good like @TreeHugger said. Chat has been crazy lately so I don't think that it's right to let this behavior get brushed aside just because I and @lostforgottensoul didnt realize we were supposed to say something in the moment and report it. Just coming back later to chat doesn't really help because as far as I can tell, LOTS of crazy stuff has been happening in chat. Also, why should I just come back later when I am not online often and when I am, usually don't have time to chat? (While the other person is in chat a lot?) I shouldn't have to be scared away by people who are dropping these bombs in chat about medical emergencies and refusing to get the proper level of help.

Ugh, the whole thing is upsetting me and I don't want to deal with it anymore because I feel that no matter what I do it's the wrong thing. I should just stay away for awhile. I don't need those attention seeking emotional vampires to get me down. I need to focus on my own healing and not all this drama. No more chatting for me again.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@EveHarrington

It was not my intent to say you were intentionally adding fuel to the fire. I did not suggest allowing others actions to go unchecked or brush them aside. I simply noted that those of us on this thread now know how to report it as Anthony clearly explained.
If this has been a repeated situation and to be blunt, the person knows they are upsetting others and not only doesn't give a flying f*ck but it is part of the reason they are doing it. The other reason is to get attention by people who contact them like you did or openly address it in chat because it is all about them and how much attention they can get by stirring up shit so you are unknowingly encouraging them to continue.
I don't know all the workings of this forums chat room but isn't there an ignore button?

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Eve,
Sending you some :hug: if you'll accept them.

There are more shades of grey in this than there are black and white rights and wrongs.

Please don't feel that there are any "shoulds",
your only duty is to your own safety and recovery

@

 

[joeylittle]

My goal was to let the person know they were scaring others in chat with their behavior, not to add fuel to the fire. This way the person knows they were doing something disruptive. Just ignoring allows the behavior to continue unchecked and doesn't do any good like @TreeHugger said.

There's nothing wrong with this approach, it's just that it's not as likely to address any long-term or recurring problem.

I'm glad that you brought this up here, @EveHarrington - because someone trying to deal with a potential overdose of any kind of medication is something that is absolutely appropriate to report.

It's better to have staff handle such things because then, there can be consequences to the behavior (as appropriate); that's all.

 

[Anarchy]

People can have genuine reasons for seeking the company and validation of chat when they are having a very difficult time. Someone who has been gas lit all of their life, or was always punished if they acted on their own initiative, may need that extra bit of validation;

For example: "Yes, FFS! get yourself to the ER/A&E!"

Most of us are fairly isolated, and the forum is usually the only place wher we can hope to find people who "get it"

There are also some genuine reasons for people not calling a T (Big ones, that I'm only just learning about).

Seemingly, if a T receives reports of someone who may be a danger to themselves or others, they're supposed to call the cops (I'm trying to get out of the habit of calling them pigs; most of the four legged pigs that I've known have been sweet natured, intelligent and highly productive individuals).

The cops are then supposed to make a "wellbeing visit". Even though there are undoubtedly some lovely cops, they're not exactly trained as psychie nurses, and in some cases, things have gone seriously south
________________________________

Yes, there are forum rules

But as I said in my last comment, our only positive obligation is to our selves, to stay safe

_______________________________________
There are negative obligations (don'ts)

FFS do not run around chat, shrieking "so and so is psychotic / lost it / nuts"

How the hell does that affect someone who has come here because they're triggered, flashing back or just plain terrified?

@

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@EveHarrington
I hope you don't feel attacked by my post. I wasn't criticizing you or anyone and I know you meant well.
I do have a problem with people who use chat to emotionally manipulate others.

Once I was caught up in chat with someone who was a manipulator. Okay, lots more than once but this particular time I talked to this person daily and encouraged her and tried to support her through crisis after crisis and it went on for a couple of months. This was before there were forums like now. One Thursday she was having another crisis and talked specifically of harming herself. Then suddenly I heard nothing. This was at a time I was isolated and depressed myself and not only not working but hadn't left my house for two years.
All day and all night long I would look for her, send messages, and reach out to others in chat who knew her, nothing. I couldn't sleep my mind racing with thoughts of helplessness and fear this person was in trouble and I might be the only person who knew it since she led me to believe I was the only person she felt comfortable talking to about things.
This went on for three long days until she suddenly showed back up in chat. When I messaged her she said she went to visit her sister for the weekend and didn't think to say anything but it was sweet of me to be concerned.
There was no way I misunderstood her clearly written statements of her plans to harm herself. She played me and tried befriending me again under another name.

People play some serious games online and don't care if they are harming others, in fact they get off on hoping they are.

I know there are better ways of tracking people now and this forum is set up so if something is reported a person couldn't easily change their name and rejoin without it being known by Anthony.

Those kinds of people still exist.

Just be careful and remember your mental health is your number one obligation.

I am not saying you should or shouldn't visit the chat room. I just don't like the thought of good people with good intentions being unnecessarily hurt.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

may need that extra bit of validation;

For example: "Yes, FFS! get yourself to the ER/A&E!"

This person was being told by the entire chat room (maybe 5 people ish, maybe more) to go to the ER for a possible life threatening issue, advising the chat room of all of their sympthoms but refuaing to go to the ER....which worried the daylights out of me!

I just realized that this person just said "i'll be ok" and left the chat as soon as one of the MODs came in too.

It does not matter if you feel something is "reportable" or not, if it isnt, then staff will toss it aside, if it is then it is acted on...thats why we have staff to make those decisions.

I should of thought to do it but I think I was so wrapped up in my own worry over this member, I couldnt think.

Def talking about this helps because reporting is something thats so new to me. I never wanted to get someone in trouble but then again, they are reaponsible for their own actions and things like chat bans, temp bans, and full perm bans are done for the saftey of the community as a whole...and it helps the member as well!

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@lostforgottensoul
I agree with you that it is better to report something and let the moderators decide. Try not to see it as getting someone in trouble in fact it is probably just the opposite. The moderators might have more information on that person than anyone else.

I don't know for sure but I know they have information about me that no one else does. I doubt very much I would reach out to the forum in a real crisis because I don't think they should be made responsible for my safety or anyone here.

But reporting is the best way to go. You don't get anyone in trouble by reporting, you are only being a responsible, caring member.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I don't know for sure but I know they have information about me that no one else does. I doubt very much I would reach out to the forum in a real crisis because I don't think they should be made responsible for my safety or anyone here.

Oh I know the staff have info about me that no one else has and im 100% ok with that. I was worked with more than I would work with someone before my temp ban and I gave myself a week and slowly eased my way back in. So staff work with people a lot generally before they are banned in any fasion.

I had to learn that folks here werent out to hurt me and lower the automatic "defense posture" and the temp ban forced me to do that. Not exactly sure how it lowered, but it did.

So Im now ok with anyone in the staff having info about me because I now know they are for me, not against me if that makes sense.

Edited to add: Im also comfortable reaching out in crisis...not life or death, that not their job, but just in general crisis and I can now back away when needed etc.

I know you arent comfortable but im just saying in general its ok, so as long as you are respecting the rules, respecting each other, and supporting the one in crisis.

 

[StarChild]

You are quite right; I should have reported this person.

because I and @lostforgottensoul didnt realize we were supposed to say something in the moment and report it.

Oh my... No, you "were not supposed to" say or do something. - Where did I say that? Dear Eve, I'm not sure, which of the things I wrote, gave you the impression, that explicitly you or @lostforgottensoul were expected to report that person. I quoted some of your statements, and tried to show a different way, to actually take away the burden from (both of) you, that certain people tried to throw on your back in chat. It was actually the following statement that shook me a bit and made me write the former post:

There's nothing anyone in chat can do in those cases except worry and get upset.

As this ^^^^^^ is (not always, but often) exactly what we learned, respectively, what we were taught / conditioned by our abusers to; feel helpless, powerless, to keep still and remain silent. It's a certain kind of conditioning, if that makes sense.

So, all I wanted, was not to blame you, but to truly empower you, by showing you a safe way to handle (report) such incidents, without tapping into the trap of feeling helpless and exposed, or even being harmed by the whole situation. You did absolutely nothing wrong gal, okay? So, if my first post to you sounded a bit stern, it's because I'm fighting a nasty sinus infection, that takes my brain cells as hostages and really makes it quite difficult for me to express all my thoughts concisely.

I would like to end my post to you, with this great, healthy insight of yours, as that's exactly what some people are or do, or just steadily try to do:

I don't need those attention seeking emotional vampires to get me down.

If you're able to differentiate between the "usual suspects" and the emotional vampires, you've already done a big step towards healthy self protection!

Okay, have to go to bed now, my head roars with pain and makes thinking ipossible. I truly hope, this post did ease your doubts / situation. Sending a bouquet of calming, comforting hugs to you @EveHarrington and @lostforgottensoul. :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Ugh, the whole thing is upsetting me and I don't want to deal with it anymore because I feel that no matter what I do it's the wrong thing. I should just stay away for awhile. I don't need those attention seeking emotional vampires to get me down. I need to focus on my own healing and not all this drama. No more chatting for me again.

Eve sweetie, dont let it upset you! We didnt know, we do now, its all ok.

You ignored her after a while and I worried myself like crazy, neither one was right or wrong...just a better option is to report and then if needed after that, put the person on ignore for a bit as the upmost importance to you is you and your mental health here!

I feel i was a dummy for not reporting but I know I was all wrapped in what i do; worry.

But its ok! :hug:s to ya!

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Alice
This isn't personal. There are one or two things in here that I want to highlight

Once I was caught up in chat with someone who was a manipulator.

You may well have been correct,
However, none of us has access to another person's mind and motives. absolutely none of us. So that statement is your interpretation.

Thursday she was having another crisis and talked specifically of harming herself. Then suddenly I heard nothing. ...

...This went on for three long days until she suddenly showed back up in chat. When I messaged her she said she went to visit her sister for the weekend and didn't think to say anything but it was sweet of me to be concerned.
There was no way I misunderstood her clearly written statements of her plans to harm herself. She played me and tried befriending me again under another name.

Again, you could well be correct about her intent.

However there are other possible interpretations; a lot of us have big dissociative partitions in our heads. A change of place or a change of people can mean that we do not have access to memories associated with other places or the company of other people.

Some of us also have big problems with object constancy - If we're not looking at something or someone - it's difficult to believe that it exists.

For someone with those problems (and I'm not saying that the person you dealt with did have those sort of problems - I really have no way of knowing either way), the de friending could well feel like yet another abandonment.

Very few of the people who come to this forum have the interpersonal skills necessary to be able to deliberately manipulate someone else. and the idea of unconscious manipulation - just does not make sense - it's a performative contradiction, it is self refuting.

Sure, I struggle not to be judgemental with some people who post here, and we are all welcome to take a liking or disliking to anyone, But please be careful about imputing other people's motives - because they are absolutely not available to us.