Scared Out Of My Mind

[Bookoffee]

I have pretty much blocked everything out of my mind since my birthday. I found money in my wallet and I forgot what it was for and I spent pretty much all of it. Now I cant find my wallet. I haven't told my wife that I spent all of our car insurance money. She has been on my case about just about everything today.

I am at work and she is blowing up my phone and making me panic, forget how to do my job, and I cant stop the tears running down my face. I am a complete mess and I am so scared to face her and tell her the truth.

I am waiting for our Human Resources department to return my call for an emergency meeting. I am going to ask them for the money and pay back a small amount each week.

I cant live a life where I am treated as a child everyday because I panic, deal with agoraphobia, cant handle loud voices.

I need to go somewhere and feel safe and calm down but I am worried about driving right now so here I am.

 

[Bookoffee]

I tore apart my car and found my wallet and the car insurance money. I forgot I had put it in a different spot so I wouldn't lose it.

Now if only I can work on my memory. Does anyone else have issues with their memory? Should I start a new post for that question?

 

[shimmerz]

Memory and dissociation go hand and hand @Bookoffee. I have learned to always put things in certain 'places'. Always. I realized the problem when I was younger and went to a party and lost my keys AGAIN. I don't drink, but the people who hosted wouldn't let me leave because they thought I lost my keys because I had been drinking. I was an hour late and my oldest son had to sit at daycare waiting for me. He was terrified. I haven't gone to a party with people I don't know since.

Lesson was, have 'spots' for things. It takes some training but has helped me tremendously in my life.

I am so happy that you found the money. The last I recall of your posts there was something about therapists. Were you able to enlist a good therapist?

Thinking of you my friend.

 

[Bookoffee]

Thank you @shimmerz. I am see a therapist twice a week now. We are still in the introduction part and she is a bit hesitant to continue to see me because of how bad off I am with everything.

I was sent home from work today because I was having too many panic attacks and making too many simple mistakes.

My wife is googling PTSD hospital/retreats ( not sure what to call it) around the states. I am going downhill fast.

I am exhausted.

 

[shimmerz]

Are you sleeping at all @Bookoffee? I am thrilled that your wife is supporting you with finding the help you need. I am so very sorry you are going through this. How can I help?

 

[Kefira]

I also have memory problems. A place for everything has really helped me too. I find it so hard to keep a clean home, but if I don't everything goes to hell. For the really important stuff you might put down somewhere odd and need to find in a hurry something like the tile app can be really helpful. There are a few types, but basically there's a little tag you attach to things (keys, wallet, purse, favorite things you misplace often) that your phone can find for you.
Just a thought. I'm all for technological solutions where my brain seems to fail to keep up.

I hope your therapist does work out for you, and I'm glad you're looking at getting more continuous treatment for a while if that's what you need right now. :hug:s if you accept them.

 

[Bookoffee]

I sleep but I will have nightmares, scream in the middle of the night, I will fall out of bed.

We have researched a few places for me to go and A Place of Hope seems to fit everything I need
https://www.aplaceofhope.com/our-programs/ptsd/

 

[Bookoffee]

I having the hardest time right now. I can't remember a thing. I had curling cream in my hands and I had to stare at for a while to figure what it was

I had to text my boss to see what time it is and what I am suppose to do

My head hurts so much.

 

[Kefira]

This may seem basic and may be answered in another post of yours- I've not been reading as carefully as normal lately.

You mentioned instability on your meds, that you'd been forgetting to take them. I assume you're ensuring that you are now. Is this a normal symptom spike for you? If not if you haven't been to see a general physician for a while perhaps you should go to rule out a physical change that's effecting the psychological. I've just heard a few too many stories of people with severe mental illness ignoring serious downward spirals without ruling out a physical problem.

If this is how your symptoms manifest when you are having a bad period, do you have any coping strategies/mitigation techniques from before? I'm glad you're continuing to be open to treatment options. Perhaps your new T can suggest some things while you're looking for a program.

 

[Bookoffee]

The memory thing has been going on before I forgot the medicine. I saw my PCP twice last week and I see my Med Provider next week. I cant think of how to spell out what he is. I have been with him for about 15 years.

I have tried everything to help me remember but I cant use them at the time of forgetting things. There is just way too much I am forgetting to do or how to actually do it. I am completely lost at how to do my job.

My new T doesn't think she is equip to handle my PTSD and all the other stuff that is going on. She suggested a DBT group. I have gone through so many of those groups that they are not helpful at all. I just wanted to scream because she mentions it everytime I see her.

My wife found a different place that is more intensive care and is a 90 day program. The place is checking my insurance now.

 

[Bookoffee]

I just talked with my insurance company they disapproved it. I talked with the social worker and she needs to here more from providers and they may allow it.

Please keep your fingers crossed