Self Destructive Behavior

[Jade-]

My self destructive behavior not only hurts me but it hurts the ones I love too. That bothers me more than the fact that I'm hurting myself.

I try so hard to not do the things I do, yet I find myself doing them over and freaking over again.

I know one of the reasons I do the things I do is because I start feeling actual feelings instead of being emotionally numb. I don't know how to deal with feeling, so I try not to. I try to comfort myself in the wrong ways.

I also just get very restless and anxious, which leads me to seek out some excitement, good or bad.

 

[Iam]

I understand Jade. I think we need to learn self soothing skills. Things that are productive instead of destructive. Maybe if we can learn those skills and put some positive activities that we can do at a moments notice in place it would help. Not sure what those are yet, but I am willing to learn!

 

[Tinyflame]

I can't say I've tried to involve anyone else in my own self-destructive behaviours- quite the opposite. Because of that and the terminology, for myself I would just say I think they are self-destructive. Kind of 'simple' explanation but applies to me. Think it's related to a pain/ coping/ self-esteem/ hopelessness ratio.
Yes, I think part of it is what's 'known' but also combined with what's being experienced and with what's anticipated.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

I look back now at my time in Thailand and I realise it could be entitled 'Complete and Utter Reckless Abandonment'

I always had (and still have) this deeply abhorrent feeling towards suicide because I had to watch my best friend jump off a building. So I never went there with suicidal thoughts - if suicide were a person - I think you'd have had to hold me back from picking a seriously brutal fight. BUT - I did do some things that were tantamount to having a death wish. Such as :

a) Getting totally trashed on RCA in Bangkok with a couple of friends. We did make em dance tho! And I occasionally watch the video footage of us in the car on the way back to the hotel at the time to remind myself I was actually there. The conversation was very funny at the time, but in hindsight, we were wrecked.
'hahaha'
'where are we?'
'no idea'
'hmm I think we're on Samsen Road'
'oh I have no idea'
'hahaha'

????

b) challenging a Thai mobster with a hooker on each arm to a game of Connect 4! (the hookers were on his arms, not mine. I think that's why I challenged him - the prostitution was just in my face all the time and I couldn't watch it anymore without getting p*ssed off). I have no idea what was yelled at me as it was in Thai, but from the tone and the look on his face - it wasn't friendly!

c) Tearing through the streets of BKK on the back of a scooter. Not hanging on, and not wearing a helmet.

And at the time my ex called and was like 'you know what - you say you hate suicide - but if you don't watch yourself you're gonna end up dead you know?'... and replying with what I honestly believed to be true at the time - 'do I look like I care?????'

It was just stupid. But, in hindsight I wouldn't take any of it back. Because I'm alive and it really was rock bottom. I think maybe if it were not for that time I genuinely would not have sought help. I just woke up one day and thought 'this is really NOT FUN anymore'. Putting my hand up, and going 'ok, something is very wrong'. because it wasn't like me to act so blantantly reckless. Would I take it back? Not a chance, because I learned from it and it opened my eyes. Would I do it again? Absolutely not! If I have 9 lives, I think I've used up enough of them already. I wasn't looking to die! But I certainly wasn't having much respect for keeping myself safe and alive either.

 

[MissPlumDrop]

I believe the self destructiveness is considered a part of the dissociative symptom in that it can be used to escape from emotional pain; or if dissociated, can be used to "feel" during emotional numbing. For me, when I was a child, I would stick pins under the calloused skin of my fingers and toes, or I would clip this skin with nail clippers, or shave it off with a razor. Thinking back, when I did these things, I would sort of 'zone out' and forget all about where I was; usually after something distressing happened. I also used to hit or beat on my limbs in order to feel pain first, then the subsequent nurturing I did not get as the norm. Breaking one of these limbs was the goal, but it usually hurt too much for me to continue and I usually ended up only severley bruised.

Now as an adult, my worst self destructive habit is picking the skin off the left side of my lower lip. Sometimes it bleeds and it is always sensitive and sore. I used to self medicate, spend recklessly, drive fast and engage in other high risk behavior- though these things have tapered off due to being in a supportive and loving relationship. I just need to stop picking my lip and I will be good to go.

 

[changed]

I wonder about this all the time, thanks for bringing it up. Really great advice and info Curiouser! much apriciated!
I think, well hope it stops and or gets better with time and treatment.

Take Care
x

 

[brokenchild]

I've been self destructive for almost as long as I can remember. When I was younger and still being abused, I remember telling myself I had to do it to "get used to the pain." Then, when the abuse ended, I started doing it in order to punish myself for doings things I "shouldn't" do or just because I was overwhelmed with emotions that I couldn't describe. I was taught that certain things (like eating without permission) end in punishment and sometimes I'd punish myself for things like that.

It seems now that any time I go against anything my abusers told me, I get extremely extremely self destructive. I have done pretty well on not acting out on the urges directly, but I somethings wonder if all the accidents I've had lately (cutting my thumb on a can, biting my lip REALLY hard while eating, etc) is my way of subconsciously punishing myself.

 

[triggers 1]

OK so I'm new to the whole forum thing.

Lets see, so every time that a relationship is growing wonderfully I tend to find out what makes my spouse angry, hurt, sad and depressed and I'm not too sure why I do this.

So yeah its starting all over, this will be the fourth relationship that it started out the same way in the past 11yrs and this time there's a child involved that I simply adore, and who thinks the world of me, however she is not mine but I wish she was.

This is how it all starts, first we are doing great then I start having thoughts of using, then while I'm using I tend to start paying more attention to the oppisite sex. Then I find my self doing 1and 2 a lot more, until I've quit my job. Then I tend to start doing a lot of really bad things, and then find my self homeless in and out of jail and prison.

So right know I'm at the point where I've quit my job and I'm talking to the oppisite sex with more than just friends in mind.

I'm fed up with living this way, I'm going to be 30 soon and could really use some help the one thing that is different this time than all the others, is the kid and the fact that I've checked in to rehab on my own accord.

 

[jeeps for now]

I like this thread because I've spent so many years trying to understand it myself. Seems to me that we all react to trauma/abuse by either hurting ourselves or hurting others. It's the maschochistic/sadism effect, either one or the other.

I always felt proud because I have never hurt another person in my life, nor do I ever intend to. But I sure as heck did manage to hurt myself, usually in embarrassing situations that served to further isolate me from everyone else.

Beyond coping behavior, dissociation, etc, I came to believe in 'the body remembers' phenomina. Was I not constantly repeating features of the original (or subsequent) trauma(s) that hurt me the most? It was almost as if my body was giving me clues to solving my own puzzle. Once I finally remembered what originally had happened, along with my reactions to it, my urges to repeat the 'clues' all but vanished. Poof.

I feel real lucky today that certain revelations have finally come my way, but now live with awareness that others in my life will never understand all this. Are we destined to repeat certain 'strands' of our past, until we can acheive new degrees of awareness ? I think so.

 

[OKRADLAK]

I do it because I can't suicide. I do not know why PTSD caused through no fault of my own makes me want to hurt myself, either. Self preservation is not there like it is in most people. I mean, I do go to the Dr if I need to, but if I got really sick I would not get treatment.

I used to actively hurt myself then I went crazy on aggressive forms of working out, Ice hockey, even a bit of boxing, but then I got injuries from too much and could not do it anymore, but that was great.

Now I just think about it, keep pushing it back till "tomorrow"......

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear OKRADLAK,

I don't understand either, except I think it helps to remember it arises when the pain is greater than coping abilities, and with ptsd (let alone normal stressors) we have more than enough to cope with (and be overwhelmed by)!

I would personally feel awful if you weren't here, I know its hard to think of but you can't 'see' or 'hear' yourself through others' 'eyes'/ ears/ hearts.
Hugs, if that's ok.

 

[Philippa]

I'm SOooo grateful for this thread right now. It's been perplexing me for ages as well.

For me, I seem to manifest my self-destructive/self-abusive side through relationships with males. I will do all the 'right' things for my body, mind and soul...meditate, eat good clean food, take baths, take good care of myself...and then ruin it all by sleeping with some guy I don't even know who ends up spewing his vitriol all over me and then apologizing but then keep doing it anyway.

Or getting involved with guys who are into drugs and alcohol even though I'm clean, and be with someone who isn't even there emotionally or present mentally because they are off dissociating from their trauma.

Every now and then I get the urge to become a stripper, and I know I could make some decent money because I have a good figure and am pretty to look at, but never end up going through with it, because I know it's just really bad for my self-esteem (though I have been getting those thoughts today actually.)

I don't know why it has to be this way, it's like whenever I get too close to being able to work towards succeeding in my life, I will manifest some situation or some guy who will take me down a peg or two...even though I want to feel good...I end up feeling bad.

I'm not sure if it has something to do with the family dynamic I was trained to be the scapegoat...so whenever I work at feeling good, people seem to take great pleasure in bringing me back to their level of feeling bad?

I also get bored and anxious and restless, and it's usually around this time that I do stupid things, like take up smoking even though I quit for 10 years...or start drinking again, or smoking weed, when I really don't even like it that much.