Self Destructiveness

[Teasel]

I've had some trouble with self destructive behaviour recently. I'm in a relatively 'calm after the storm' sort of space just now and want to steel myself by figuring out what it's all about. So that next time I feel the urge I might be able to cope in a much more self caring way.

I've read other similarly titled threads on here and found them helpful but I don't feel I really understand it yet.

If ppl could post any insights about this I'd be v thankful.

Why do we behave self destructively?
Is there something we need to learn to enable us to stop?
Why does it feel so Compulsive?
What do you find helps you away from self destructive behaviour?
Does it mean I hate myself?
Have I internalised other's opinions of me?

Thanks for any replies, I'll come back to this :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Comfort in chaos.

We miss feeling "bad" because "bad" is all we know.

New is scary.

Familiar is comfortable, even if only because it's more predictable.

Fighting this now. :-(

 

[Casey_03]

I think a lot of it is guilt, we're punishing ourselves because we blame ourselves for things that happened to us. At least, that is definitely true in my case. I think anyone who has been abused learns to take it out on themselves, and the pattern continues throughout life. Something goes wrong and we blame ourselves because it's what we've been taught. Some of it is probably self loathing too, and some of it might be an attempt to make ourselves feel. It's a complicated issue and different for everyone, but I have found the only thing that really helps is to force yourself to break out of isolation. For instance, whenever I have self harmed in the past, I have isolated and retreated to my own little bubble to deal with whatever problem I was having. The better thing to do is to surround yourself with other people and stop the isolation. You don't necessarily have to tell everyone what you're going through, but just being with other people helps to keep the urges at bay. Even just walking in a public park or going to a mall or something. It's hard, because we normally avoid crowds in such instances, but it seems to be the only way to pull me back to reality.

 

[Fadeaway]

I would like more insight myself on why. The best I can come up with, is that I know how to survive, I don't know how to live. As @itsKismet said, it's familiar.

 

[InvisibleSun]

I think it is a mixture of all of those things..and I definitely believe deep seeded, subconscious self hate plays a huge role. Self destructive behaviors are negative coping mechanisms that people use to mask their pain. It becomes all you know..so you feel the compulsion to engage in those activities. It's a vicious cycle that doesn't end until you identify the source of your pain, recognize negative behaviors and find better ways to cope. Self destructive behaviors trick the brain into thinking that by engaging in these activities you are doing something good for yourself when in reality you're hurting yourself even more. It's very similar to a drug addiction, IMO..it may seem hopeless, but it can be conquered. It just takes time and patience..at least that's what I've learned. :)

 

[DogwoodTree]

In my case, it's an attempt at expressing what is inside. I very rarely cry, I have no freedom of expression in emotion, and all this pressure and despair builds up inside with no outlet. The only way I know to let it out is to hurt myself somehow. But I'm very secretive even in that, finding ways of damaging myself that no one will know about and that won't affect anyone else any more than necessary.

I tried to explain this to my T a few months ago, and his apt response was, "Not to minimize it or invalidate your feelings or anything, but...don't you think you've suffered enough for what you've been through?"

I think I get what he was trying to say...why torment myself for the crap done to me in the past? But...I don't know how to explain it...it just seems like I need to express the agony of it in order to legitimize my experiences in life...to acknowledge that this pain is real and that I haven't just been making it up all this time. To walk away from it without experiencing it just, somehow, seems to say that it never happened and that I'm crazy for ever thinking that it did.

He suggested that we find a way for me to express those feelings without it turning into self-harm. Haven't figured that part out yet...

 

[KwanYingirl]

I have a compulsive personality. I seem to go from one self destructive activity to another. Never resolving anything except for the temporary relief my actions provide. For me, it's a response to intense emotion, and no ability to tolerate distress. It's a way to alter my mind.

 

[Teasel]

In my case, it's an attempt at expressing what is inside. ...pressure and despair builds up inside with no outlet. The only way I know to let it out is to hurt myself somehow. I need to express the agony of it in order to legitimize my experiences in life... To walk away from it without experiencing it just, somehow, seems to say that it never happened and that I'm crazy for ever thinking that it did. He suggested that we find a way for me to express those feelings without it turning into self-harm. Haven't figured that part out yet...

Coming back to this thread after a year this really jumps out at me.
I feel those same feelings, intensely.
For some reason am just thinking about a workshop I did on Shame. They said that we take on the shame the abuser blocks out. Wondering if with self harm we take on the violence to ourselves the abuser denies?

 

[Sideways]

we take on the violence to ourselves the abuser denies?

Are you able to flesh this statement out a bit? Is it that your abuser was on the brink of violence but used other forms of abuse, or that your abuser now denies having abused you?

For me, my self-destructiveness was largely a continuation of what my abuser did. I treated myself the way I'd been treated ( ie. very badly!). Not so much because the abuser is in denial, but because the emotions I was experiencing I associated with needing to be treated like that. It was familiar and felt appropriate. Partly it was an expression of shame, and partly my acting out my self-loathing.

Not self-harming over the last few months I've had to learn how to cope with treating myself reasonably. And that's actually been really hard to sit with. I am so amazingly better off for it, but the compulsion towards self-destruction hasn't gone away.

 

[Teasel]

Are you able to flesh this statement out a bit? Is it that your abuser was on the brink of violence but used other forms of Abuse, or that your abuser now denies having abused you?

I'l try. You know how it is when an idea is not fully understood yet - you can't put it into words.

Most of my abusers were never physically violent, so I am not using the word violence to refer to physical violence only. And all my abusers convinced themselves and others that they did absolutely nothing wrong. That I was an awful person. My acting out or depression or whatever reaction I had to the (secret) violence was proof of that.

The secrecy of it! My reality is a secret. I am a secret. No one believed me. Just to be the real me betrayed that secret and made me unnacceptable to everyone. Self harming could be the only way you know to make you and your reality concrete....

Cool that you are less self destructive, understand it being hard, going throught the same

 

[Sideways]

Self harming could be the only way you know to make you and your reality concrete....

This, wow, yes! I know I'm right about the awful person I am, because look at how much it just "fits" if I treat myself like shite. To the contrary B, I think you're expressing your thoughts really well, even if they are half-formed.

 

[Teasel]

Thanks :)

Now to find the way out.

I know I've started the process but...

Will have a ponder