Self harm in adults with ptsd

[Leigh925]

I am 43. The last time I cut was 26 years ago...the day after I was raped....that is until 2 weeks ago. I was proud of myself because I am finally in a place in therapy where I don't dissociate as much and I thought it would be a blessing....and it will be when I figure out how to manage actually "feeling" feelings. It feels good to feel the happy emotions because I had numbed those out too but it really sucks to feel the bad ones and not get relief from the tools I am learning. I haven't done it again but I went from not thinking about it to thinking about it everyday. I am hoping the obsessive thinking about it goes away soon. Hope it goes away for you too! It makes me feel kind of stupid for resorting to that and I think anyone around me would be shocked if they knew.

 

[xena21]

It feels good to feel the happy emotions because I had numbed those out too but it really sucks to feel the bad ones and not get relief from the tools I am learning.

I hear you! I'm sorry you have had such a hard time. I understand about the self harm though and the dissociation. My therapist today kept having to bring me back to the the session. I felt a little embarressed but not really bad about it. I feel the good emotions sometimes but never the bad emotions except for anger.

I am glad you are able to feel the bad emotions too. I wish I could feel more emotions. My therapist keeps harping on me to try to feel more emotions but I only feel anger...always anger and rage. I try to keep myself engaged in good ways. I try to distract myself by walking and running over and over again. Its never the same as hurting yourself you know?

I hope others have found good ways to deal with their difficult emotions and self harm. I know for me its so hard. I still have such a hard time injuring myself. I wish I could just stop. I wish I could be strong like so many of you.

 

[rightkindofme]

I only felt rage for many years. I run marathons now and it helps. I write a lot. I have a very busy blog I post hundreds or thousands of words on almost every day.

Distraction is how I get through.

 

[xena21]

I run marathons now and it helps

I think that is awesome! That used to help me so much. It does help a lot. The running is amazing, releasing the needed stress and all those endorphins. I am trying to get back into it myself. I know rationally it will be the best thing for me. I tend to sabotage myself lately for some reason. I need to get over that and just get back on a good schedule. I never self injured as much when I ran long distance.

 

[xena21]

Just wanted to check in and see how others are doing now with their self harm. I wanted to check in myself too and say that I was doing ok for a while. I just fell short over the last few weeks. It's been a little crazy at my house...actually a lot crazy. For those of you that self injure, you know what I mean. Things just get all out of control so quickly.

I try to keep things in control, but it doesn't seem like enough. The emotional pain I have is so much more damaging than any physical pain that I could feel, you know? Do others feel this way?

 

[Britt.f7]

I think you are right xena21. I never really feel the self infliction's.

On that note, it has been going very well for me and I haven't done it or thought about doing it in almost a years time. This is good.

 

[rightkindofme]

A little bit of head banging this week. But the kind that can seem like "normal" "people are so frustrating". I find it strange that some things are a "serious problem" and some things are just... almost normal.

 

[Melp283]

It kinda feels like a meeting in here...
"Hi, I'm Mel, and I burn myself with needles."
My therapist knows. She said she thinks it's not that big of a deal if it helps you cope and you're not putting yourself in the hospital.
My husband doesn't like it...I haven't kept my promise to tell him when I felt like doing it either...

 

[DharmaGirl]

I forgot to add on my post from page 1 that I am 55. I have been doing well until my therapist told me he was leaving, now I'm punching myself in the face in my sleep. Of course I wake up.Then I'll do it a couple of more times. It really makes me feel better, but I have a black eye a lot.

 

[Ellabella44]

I quit bruising myself around easter. I've always picked at scabs to make scars, chewing nails till they bled or got infected , passive things like that through childhood. when I drank and first "woke up" (a few months before my 43rd birthday) i wanted a way to get the emotional pain I had inside to the outside. and I wanted it as much as I wanted to get drunk. cutting wasnt an option.. my husband would ask questions.... ended up biting my arms during sex reason to him being so i could keep quiet (yeah bit embarassing, but I also told myself this was why as well, couldnt deal with how I really felt about it).

I did eventually tell him what it really was. that seeing the bruises were a concrete way of seeing my pain on the outside. nobody saw them but him until one day when I had on a tank top under a zippered hoodie and it slipped down my arm. My daughter saw and asked how i got a bruise there. ( shes 15) sigh , i cant explain that.... and had to find another outlet. eventually I ended up walking the day after the last time I got drunk. Ive used the pain from over exercise to calm instead as a "positive" version of pain. by the time it hurts, ive exhausted whatever agitated me that way as well, leaves no marks, and satisfies my urge, which i have to a lesser extent lately ( im 44)

 

[mamachick]

I have been MIA for quite awhile, maybe since my surgery August 1st. A week or two before surgery I had a huge meltdown and took a razor to the top side of my forearm. I have only done this a couple times but this was the worst. I never self harmed until March 2009 (3 months after attack-age 50). I cut the word die in my arm but also a couple inch long deep cut that underlined it. As surgery approached, I realized that it was not healing and probably needed stitches for the deep cut so I started treating it with peroxide and neosporin and used butterfly bandages to bridge the gap. I was afraid they would not do the surgery. It was bandaged at surgery and I was never asked about it, but I could see the word die vaguely. It is now fading and I have done any cutting since but have wanted to a couple of times.

I use to exercise but cant anymore, at least not right now.

@rightkindofme, I have a friend who is very attention seeking and goes through men like crazy, and she is married. She live 90 minutes away and comes to my house/city for these encounters. Im afraid for her. She in unapproachable about it for the most part. I got her to go to an ACOA meeting the night before thanksgiving. She denies any past abuse or trauma and I really dont know how to help so I have just been protecting my own boundaries. Any advice would be welcome.

 

[rightkindofme]

@brat17 If you feel uncomfortable with her using your house for casual hook ups, that is an incredibly appropriate thing to have boundaries with. "This is my home and I do not want strangers here."

If she denies any past abuse or trauma then you probably aren't going to get her to acknowledge that there is a problem. Historically speaking, being unfaithful is common and actually fairly "normal". Lots of people cheat. If she wants to cheat on her partner that's her business but it isn't ok to involve people in the situation who don't want to be involved. That isn't ethical.

I'm sorry you are being dragged through something that isn't to your taste. That is wrong. It is your house and you do not have to host strange men. Period.