Hey guys!So I've been in a long distance relationship with this guy and through this time we managed to meet couple of times.I really like him and I really can see myself falling for him...I guess we already started everything and it will be hard for me just to reject him.He is my first boyfriend maybe that's why)So couple of times he mentioned that he had really complicated relationship with his ex.As long as I know she had some psychological problems or smtng and maybe because of that or I dunno why she started being abusive towards him physically and emitionally cheated on him multiple times...So here is the thing i didn't understabd about him...why he stayed?why he stayed with her if she was treating him like a garbage or worse.i tried to ask him about that but he was answering like because he was naive and he wanted to save it cuz they were already dating for a long time. But in the end I guess he found a courage in himself to leave her...And he did and its been 2 years already since their break up.his ex moved on with her new boyfriend...And I believe he wants to move on with me...And I can see him putting an effort on doing so ..Like moving closer to me(to my country lol).But through the times we met I saw him having like flashbacks about his past relationship..especially when he was sad and upset...Maybe upset about me I dunno...but when we are together and just having cute couple times he just out of the blue says something about his past relationship..that he didn't feel loved...about his ex...that she was crazy...And even compares me to her...saying like how great I am..And how lucky he is to have a girlfriend like me ...The thing is ...I feel kinda intimidated by that that he compares me to his ex though he says I am better than her...is it even normal?what is his intensions on doing so?comparing me to his ex?...And the last problem is as we already started our relationship there is no turning back I guess..well at least for me...I am kinda frustrated by the fact that he still keeps in touch with that ex..he even has one photo with her saved on his social media and still kinda text her...I dunno whether it is him or her texting but he told me himself that hus ex texted her congratulating him by pursuing his dream(moving to another country)and he was asking for a pic of the pets they had together and tahts it...I was pretty confused by that..And I am pretty sure I would've been ok with him being friends or whatever with his ex(I even though about..trying to be friends with his ex through social media) if he wasn't having this flashbacks and was telling me that he was traumatized by this relationship.so here is the thing should I ask him to stop contacting his ex?to delete her on social media and photos and stuffs...cuz I am sure he was traumatized by this relationship(told me himself) cuz he is super sensitive...i even though that he has ptsd of course I am not a doctor and can't jump into this kind of conclusion but he kinda has symptoms...by not letting go of his past and so on...so I was thinking maybe it is worsening by the fact that he keeps in touch with his ex...so maybe I should tell him to not to do it to himself and stop letting her to invade his life again...cuz I clearly have a problem with that that he still txts her...for now I can see 2 solutions for myself either I am asking him to stop it or I am becoming friends with his ex(hopefully)And figuring out what her problem is...I will be grateful for any good advise))especially form psychologists))cuz it is not easy for me to be in a first ever relationship and facing this kind if problem form the beginning))thanks)(sorry for the bad English :D)
-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
Relationship Should i let him to keep in touch with his ex?
- Post starter 123r
- Start date
- Status
Snowflakes
Platinum Member
There is a huge difference between the symptoms in PTSD involving the past and a CHOICE someone makes to keep in touch with an ex-girlfriend. Why he chooses to keep in touch with her is irrelevant. What is relevant is your feelings about it. If he had to keep in touch because they have a child together, that would be something you may have to accept. But if he keeps in touch with her while dating you and even comparing you with her.....well, you’ll have to decide if that is a dealbreaker for you. You write you have a problem with him texting her. Well, if it’s a problem now, it certainly isn’t going away by itself.
If you both believe you’re in an exclusive relationship, then you deserve to be the only one in his life, not shared. If he didn’t have PTSD (and you didn’t say he was diagnosed and in treatment) , would you still accept his behavior? Even if he has PTSD, what he is doing is not a symptom of PTSD.
Let me put it this way....PTSD is not an excuse to disrespect you or make you feel bad. A person can be a jerk with or without PTSD.
I’m not a psychologist that you’re looking for answers from but I have lived with someone with a PTSD for 11 years and I’ve spent over a year reading everyone else’s experiences here so my reply reflects those 2 things. Others will say what they think. Use what is helpful and discard what is not. Folks here tend to be blunt so try not to get offended if they are blunt. Welcome to the forum. Read everything you can and ask whatever questions you need. I’m happy you found us.
Take care.
If you both believe you’re in an exclusive relationship, then you deserve to be the only one in his life, not shared. If he didn’t have PTSD (and you didn’t say he was diagnosed and in treatment) , would you still accept his behavior? Even if he has PTSD, what he is doing is not a symptom of PTSD.
Let me put it this way....PTSD is not an excuse to disrespect you or make you feel bad. A person can be a jerk with or without PTSD.
I’m not a psychologist that you’re looking for answers from but I have lived with someone with a PTSD for 11 years and I’ve spent over a year reading everyone else’s experiences here so my reply reflects those 2 things. Others will say what they think. Use what is helpful and discard what is not. Folks here tend to be blunt so try not to get offended if they are blunt. Welcome to the forum. Read everything you can and ask whatever questions you need. I’m happy you found us.
Take care.
Friday
Sponsor
Do either of you have PTSD?
- Post starter
- #4
Thank you for the reply)...so your opinion is that it is not ok to keep in touch with ex after breaking up?No he didn't have a child or anything...I believe his intention is just to stay friends...cuz he has been with her for 10 years(including 2 years of living together)...the thing is I don' know how to handle this situation because I am inexperienced and he is older than me for 10 years nearly...Should I give him ultimatum to choose between me and his past relationship? And no he didn't tell me he has been diagnosed with problem or anything...I think he just took all the things had happened to him close to his heart that's why...
- Post starter
- #5
U
Ummm myself no...I am not sure about him...But he never told me that he has been diagnosed with anything like that...just says he has been traumatized a lot by this experience...even jokes sometimes about it..
Snowflakes
Platinum Member
I can’t give you that answer. What may or may not be acceptable to me can be different than you. Only you know your expectations in a relationship.
You write you’re inexperienced and he is 10 years older than you. That in itself can be problematic; there is a power dynamic that you don’t have the experience to deal with. This seems more of a relationship issue than a PTSD issue.
I’m going to step away. I’ll tell you why. I’m a Dad with a daughter who dated a guy much older than her. She asked my advice once and I wouldn’t give any to her other than, if he abuses you, leave him immediately. Giving relationship advice is filled with potholes. You have to make the best decisions you can. If you make a mistake and/or it doesn’t work out, you learn from it and gain your own life’s experiences. I wish you well.
- Post starter
- #7
Thank you))I also realize that in the end its only me who can solve this issue...well at least from my side
Friday
Sponsor
You’re aware this is a PTSD website?
We talk about relationships that are affected by PTSD here, in the same way that cancer websites talk about relationships affected by cancer.
- Post starter
- #9
Yes, I do.the storied I've read here are pretty similar to mine...well to his story with his ex which affects me now...that' why I am asking
Hi @123r, welcome to the forum. You've received some good advice here already. I think it's alright you came on here even though you don't know if he does or doesn't have PTSD. He may, he may not, but you're asking yourself if what he is doing is related to trauma, so in that you're similar to others who come on here.
That said, without an actual diagnosis, I would STRONGLY advise you to steer clear of trying to diagnose him yourself, even if your experience sounds similar to others on here. PTSD is a fairly concrete cluster of symptoms. Having lived through something traumatic doesn't immediately give you PTSD, even if the trauma was severe and causes you to relive it or get stuck in the past. As others have hinted, without an actual diagnosis of PTSD our advice to you on here will be limited.
But ok, being traumatically tied to one's ex could be cause and symptom of PTSD. It could also just be a sign of not having healed from a previous relationship. (The abuse must have been pretty darn severe for him to develop PTSD from it, but really, only a doctor can diagnose.)
However, more importantly, no matter if he has a diagnosis or not, if he hasn't been able to let go from that abusive relationship and is keeping himself toxically tied to her, then he might have some healing to do before launch into something new.
In the end, what matters is that he is still enmeshed with an ex girlfriend to an extent that is making you uncomfortable. There would be nothing wrong in telling him that, after watching him for a while, you have the impression that he is either still hung up on her, or has not adequately processed the trauma of the relationship, which would mean he needs to either make the choice to heal (treatment, severing all contact, etc.) or get off the pot.
Just because he is 10 years older doesn't mean he know what he's doing. Believe me.
You say "there is no turning back" in this relationship. Of course there is, there always is. People unfold and reveal themselves over time. If in that process you become aware of a deal breakers, it's either negotiation or breakup time.
That said, without an actual diagnosis, I would STRONGLY advise you to steer clear of trying to diagnose him yourself, even if your experience sounds similar to others on here. PTSD is a fairly concrete cluster of symptoms. Having lived through something traumatic doesn't immediately give you PTSD, even if the trauma was severe and causes you to relive it or get stuck in the past. As others have hinted, without an actual diagnosis of PTSD our advice to you on here will be limited.
But ok, being traumatically tied to one's ex could be cause and symptom of PTSD. It could also just be a sign of not having healed from a previous relationship. (The abuse must have been pretty darn severe for him to develop PTSD from it, but really, only a doctor can diagnose.)
However, more importantly, no matter if he has a diagnosis or not, if he hasn't been able to let go from that abusive relationship and is keeping himself toxically tied to her, then he might have some healing to do before launch into something new.
In the end, what matters is that he is still enmeshed with an ex girlfriend to an extent that is making you uncomfortable. There would be nothing wrong in telling him that, after watching him for a while, you have the impression that he is either still hung up on her, or has not adequately processed the trauma of the relationship, which would mean he needs to either make the choice to heal (treatment, severing all contact, etc.) or get off the pot.
Just because he is 10 years older doesn't mean he know what he's doing. Believe me.
You say "there is no turning back" in this relationship. Of course there is, there always is. People unfold and reveal themselves over time. If in that process you become aware of a deal breakers, it's either negotiation or breakup time.
- Post starter
- #11
Hojay,I really appreciate that you took ur time and replied to all the stuffs i wrote above))thank you...And yes you are completely right by saying there always is turning back...it just I seem to be clinging on him because he is my first relationship))too hard to let go of all the first things that u experience with the person u care about)).And yes sometimes I feel like as if I am the one who is older :D so thank you..it is clear now for sure that it has to be him who should make a choice...And me if he is willing to work towards me.
EveHarrington
VIP Member
Ok i think you are jumping to conclusions.
Someone who jokes about being traumatized by a past relationship is a FAR cry from PTSD. FAAAAAAAR!
If you can’t handle a guy who is still friends with an ex, walk away. It’s not up to you to control him and tell him who he can or can not be friends with. (I say this as someone who is still friends with my ex. Until you’ve actually done the “friends with ex” thing, you have no idea what it’s like. Seriously. Nobody understands what we have. And no, none of it is inappropriate.)
Someone who jokes about being traumatized by a past relationship is a FAR cry from PTSD. FAAAAAAAR!
If you can’t handle a guy who is still friends with an ex, walk away. It’s not up to you to control him and tell him who he can or can not be friends with. (I say this as someone who is still friends with my ex. Until you’ve actually done the “friends with ex” thing, you have no idea what it’s like. Seriously. Nobody understands what we have. And no, none of it is inappropriate.)
- Status
Similar posts
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
