Well, I DID used to sleep with a weapon, (a large butcher knife) and I made make-shift weapons/disposable weapons out of everyday items such as metallic fan blades, straight razors etc; I would tear the back off of a fan, and get ready just in case to throw it on an assailant if need be; I used to live in a MUCH more dangerous neighborhood, where there were MANY shootings daily, and stabbings; it was apart of the neighborhood I lived in so I knew what time to be in by, and how to protect myself if I needed to fight (boxing/martial arts) but the dangers weren't necessarily in my neighborhood; they were in my house, and owned by one specific drunken, and high abuser.
My life, and sanity were constantly in jeopardy, and there was no safety; there was no one, to go to and seek a safe haven from all the chaos in my life. I lived in constant fear of loosing the 2 people in my life that I wanted to love more than anything, but also began to DEEPLY hate for being in my life; when the children have more sense than the adults, security, safety, trust, love, is lost, and it can never be found in another. So, when I find a relationship, they will be told that I sleep with weapons, just in case, AND I hide them in the house; just in case.
In my life, I never learned what safety brought from others, (especially loved ones) was; I grew up in the middle of chaos, abuse, and all-out war; I never learned that the ones who 'claimed' to love me could be trusted. The only thing that could keep me safe was me.
When the abusers are parents, when you are so young that you can barely even begin to grasp the intensity, and the shock of being prepared to attack, and murder a loved one to protect yourself, it twists your mind deeply, and the world becomes a place full of demons, and monsters who at any moment, can strike at you. Every face though different in appearance is potentially lethal in intent in my mind. I want safety, and security, not abuse or fear again, and I admit, that I'll do ANYTHING to reclaim it.
