Speechless... Can You Help?

[seedling]

Sorry, missed some posts about the situation changing before I made that last post. A strange "not" offer it turned out to be!

 

[shimmerz]

Having to make the change in the present moment is scarier than what you will do in the future.

I have had this issue before and I think I learned that having no place is better than having a bad place.

2 years ago in April, I took the plunge and decided to find a place and did so. It was in a man's house. He decided he loved me, got super possessive, completely freaked me out. There was no cause for his obsessiveness. I didn't lead him on. It was dangerous. Very. The police came, guns were pulled, OMG what a disaster. There was a year long peace bond put out to protect me, which was then extended to two years.

This being a female and homeless is difficult because if I make choices and decisions out of desperation, inevitably that will lead to more trauma. So yes, it is true, I am not totally desperate yet but also, I can't make decisions at this point based on desperation. Bad, bad idea.

 

[shimmerz]

So sorry seedling, you must have posted at the same time I did.

 

[sun seeker]

I know this woman and really haven't been too endeared to her along the way but the minister said that since I have been away she has made great progress.

Wondering if the reason you had such a hard time composing an email to her is that some part of you sensed something was off about the situation.

There is so much to be learned from this situation, too bad about the packaging it came in! (As a friend of mine used to say, "Oh, another growth opportunity. Darn!")

So how do you tell the difference between not wanting to do something because your intuition tells you it's a bad idea, not wanting to do something because you are being hypervigilant based on past experiences, not wanting to do something because you are overwhelmed and can't think, and any number of other possibilities? I wonder this often. It sounds as though you are making progress sorting out one from another. Good work!

It sounds like you are taking some time to recover before thinking about what's next, and again, good job listening to what you need. The next step will become clear. Let us know what we can do to help, okay? :hug:

 

[Hope4Now]

As a friend of mine used to say, "Oh, another growth opportunity. Darn!"

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

Damn. Why does growing have to hurt so much!

Maybe it's the psychological equivalent of the growth plate diseases. Severs and Osgood-Schlatter. (My daughter has Severs). There's an essay waiting to be written here, I think. Bone integration=psychological integration?! :woot:

 

[Hope4Now]

It was dangerous. Very. The police came, guns were pulled, OMG what a disaster. There was a year long peace bond put out to protect me, which was then extended to two years.

Ouch, @shimmerz. One thing after another in your life. Yikes. No wonder your poor flippin' system is in chaos!

This being a female and homeless is difficult because if I make choices and decisions out of desperation, inevitably that will lead to more trauma. So yes, it is true, I am not totally desperate yet but also, I can't make decisions at this point based on desperation. Bad, bad idea.

This, my dear Shimmerz, is a very wise insight. It doesn't make it less of a catch-22, but it is a wise insight.

It sounds like you are taking some time to recover before thinking about what's next,

Okay...here's a random story that I think has some moral in it about just trying to be in the present moment. I've no idea if it will resonate. Sorry. (Am a little scrambled again and probably shouldn't be posting).

Tonight, as I was sitting at my desk and cruising this forum, I suddenly heard my 13 year old daughter screaming. I went upstairs to see what was going on. She was screaming (yes, full throttle) and crying and holding her leg. I have enough basic first aid knowledge and general wisdom to realize that she was having a really bad muscle spasm/cramp in her calf (although parts of me were yelling to call 911). I am good in a crisis. So I talked with her calmly and guided her to breathe slowly, and told her what was going on in between her screaming and begging me, "Please make it stop!" I told her to take her time, to listen to her body. Don't force anything. She was safe right now. Nothing horrible was going to happen. Just breathe.

She moaned, "But it HURTS. Please make it stop. Now Mommy, now!" and "NO! Don't touch it!" etc. Yikes. Not an easy parental moment. Then, in between the cramping, she cried, "But it's going to come back if I move it. I don't want it to come back. No! I'm going to have to move, but I don't want to move! It's going to hurt! I don't want it to hurt!"

I said, "Does it hurt now?"

She said, "NO, but it's going to as soon as I move!"

I said, "Let's just focus on right now." I sat behind her and talked gently and encouraged her to keep breathing. To take her time. Just move a tiny bit at a time when she felt ready. After about 10 minutes...she started with her toes. Then panicked because it hurt. I told her to take her time and listen to her body. Slowly, over a period of time, she could move her foot, then eventually limped herself to the bathroom to relieve herself.

After the cramp had passed, we talked a lot about how the fear of pain can create pain. (God do I know that story myself!).

Moral? Maybe? Just try to be in the present? Or Churchill's "The only thing to fear is fear itself"? There's something here worth thinking about. Oh...and now yes now...she is screaming again. Here we go. Yikes.

 

[sun seeker]

I told her to take her time, to listen to her body. Don't force anything. She was safe right now. Nothing horrible was going to happen. Just breathe.

You're a good mother, I can tell. :) Thank you for sharing this story.

One of my favourite songs these days is Breathe (2 a.m.) as sung by Chyler Leigh. It fits so many situations, including this one.

 

[shimmerz]

Thank you both so much and yes, today is another day. I have been caught up in this 'what do I do' thing. Time to walk out of it for a while. The kindness and generosity that you have all shown has really touched my heart. I appreciate all of your empathic words, beautiful gestures of giving and I most likely will need to stay here and fight this thing through. I will be alright, especially knowing that I have options. That takes away the hopelessness, and you guys have given that to me today. I thank you so much.

Life was much easier before this PTSD thing. It deconstructed my life and perhaps what this is all about is to construct it in a manner that is filled with my new purpose (whatever that is). I have to trust that this reconstruction that I am doing will work out. That I am strong enough, wise enough to get there. There are times that I slide down that slippery slope of oh sh*t, and that has been my last two days. **heavy sigh**. Onwards.

Thank you all again for your encouragement, your graciousness, your support and kindness. I can't tell you what it means to me. Loving hugs, each of you on this board. :hug::hug::hug::hug:

Here's to another day!

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@shimmerz I wish that slippery slope was one of those spendy mud baths spa treatments.

 

[shimmerz]

lol.lol.lol. Me too! :D

I just wanted to say that I seem to be coming out of that dark pit that all of this threw me into. Slowly. Hungover would be a good word to describe how I am right now. My energy is limited, my brain, although mostly online today has been feeling 'switchy'. Almost like, if I am not careful I will slide down again. I am just trying to take it easy. Thank god with much practice and patience from my healers, I know how to do that better these days.

 

[J.L. Pitts]

When my book was released and I got ten copies in the mail and I was so speechless I had actually done something and that day for my daily bible quote this was posted ( since you said you talked to a minister I do not think this will offend you, forgive me if it does but it seems like I should pass on this Message I received from God loud and clear...

So I tell you to believe that you have received the things you ask for in prayer, and God will give them to you. Mark 11:24

 

[Tinyflame]

So how do you tell the difference between not wanting to do something because your intuition tells you it's a bad idea, not wanting to do something because you are being hypervigilant based on past experiences, not wanting to do something because you are overwhelmed and can't think, and any number of other possibilities? I wonder this often. It sounds as though you are making progress sorting out one from another. Good work!

Yes, I think you are doing great with this. I agree with what @sun seeker said above. One of the 'other' possibilities is it's not good for you, & you're right (correct).

Thank you, it helps me too. I just 'remembered' & realized (though I didn't 'forget', just stuffed it) that I saw something totally out-of-line at one of my 'safe(r)' places about Christmastime, but it was as regards a person who I try to avoid already. Seeing other things since, I'm now starting to wonder if I am just being naive to believe some people 'are' who or how they are, maybe I'm just trusting in vain? If it's so, it's surely not uncommon, & it is their business, but it makes me afraid & takes out the safety factor for me entirely. :(

I too am puling for you greatly @shimmerz . :hug: :hug: