Relationship Started And Perhaps Ending A Relation With A Sufferer Of Ptsd.

[mixtapeheartache]

Agreed. I am open to taking more time. It's not the 5 weeks I am concerned about, its contacting her after only 48 hours of absolute silence, without any real warning. I new she needed time-- I didn't realize that meant complete (perceived) indifference.

She has never once done anything to suggest infidelity, and has told me not to worry. That is my own issue from past experiences-- I have never had a partner seemingly disappear without it being for another man-- ever. This is not her issue, but mine-- insecurity.

But I'm working on it.

I've been talking with a counsellor daily now to understand my needs, and try and decipher heres. I am a firm believer of communication in a relationship, but it takes two to tango. Seems to me most heartache can be avoided with it-- but with PTSD, it seems that is one of the harder things to actually do for the sufferer, no matter how willing the other is to listen and be supportive.

Time will tell, I suppose. I can't believe the brutal nature of this affliction.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

P.S. When or what is a better moment? How will I ever know?

I just know if a week goes by, I need my pots and pans back. Man's got to eat!

:)

 

[mixtapeheartache]

I am actually very cool about space-- I didn't realize it has to be so extreme? That is ZERO contact without any know end in sight?

Gah!

 

[Tinyflame]

Very common for ptsd. Too much pressure, cannot bear it.

Short of a complete meltdown, space does not mean she will forget you. Try to relax and take care of you. The stronger you are the more you can help her too. It's a gamble for you, a gamble for her.

And if worse comes to worse, you have an 'excuse' of the pots in a week- you can't starve ;) hee. :)

(One day you might want to leave that letter at her place in a pot. :) )

 

[mixtapeheartache]

Good idea! Okay, again, this are my own insecurities creeping in. Fear off loss, rejection, her never coming back, never calling, finding someone else and so on.

I have enough sense to walk away from someone who is toxic, but I don't think that is her innate nature.

Not for a moment.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

Does my lack of reaching out suggest indifference and lack of care to her? I am actually worried-- this isn't some sort of test?

 

[nursenurse]

Try three or five weeks or more, because, sometimes that happens. It isn't even indifference. It just means she cannot cope, not right now. She probably still cares, but you wishing it to be more "normal" will never make it so. And you have to be ready for a lifetime of this and more. You seem to be a really sensitive, caring person. Can you put most of who you are and what you need are aside for someone? Who so early on has already isolated herself from you? Just a thought. You can for now, can you with the possibility of it not getting better, forever? Just a thought, or two.

 

[Tinyflame]

OMG no, I doubt that, unless it's a test of her own abilities to stand ptsd and what comes with it.

She may feel like getting away from you because she told you about the ptsd, ie its exposed (therefore she is more vulnerable), maybe even have to push you away and such. It can pass if you don't react to it, as you said proof is in actions.

Am not sure, some reasurance to her would help but the timing that's hard to say. I still think actions mean the most, not blaming, respect, dignity and kindness, being 'solid' and good to your word, being vulnerable.

Stange it should come to me, but horses are fright animals. The softer one's grip on the reins, the more relaxed they will be. Think of anyone or any animal traumatized: kindness, gentleness ,patience patience patience, not blaming them for trauma reactions but still having normal as possible interaction. Also, memories and stuff are really hard to cope with sometimes, very frightening (and exhausting). Very frightening to risk exposure etc, also. Especially if she's always done it alone.

 

[Tinyflame]

Sorry, posted along with nursenurse, meant it's not likely a test.

Dear nursenurse, I think ideally it doesn't stay the same, there can be alot of progress. Just never entirely completely absent. I think trust is the whole core. JMHO though.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

Thanks guys! I forgot to mention she is an elite athlete (like top 0.09 percentile), so she is use to winning and being able to accomplish anything she does. She has always been the best, and has been trying to beat this herself for 8 years.

So, it is also her nature to "go at it alone."

I just wish suffers new it doesn't have to be that way. Sigh.

P.S. I am VERY sensitive indeed. I suspect this is not something I could cope with long term (bouts of absence for months on end), but I honestly don't think it has to be this way. With counselling, support, and a positive attitude, anything is possible.

I am okay with time and space, but some limitations must be in place. A text simply to let the other know you are okay, for example. Nothing more-- simple gestures when complex communication simply is not an option.

 

[Abstract]

You sound very self aware and that is a very helpful.

I was thinking that it may be helpful for you to have a sense of what can be very normal time wise (to isolate) without it meaning any lessoning of affection etc. I think 48 hrs is a very short space of time. For me when I am feeling like this two weeks is much more usual and sometimes it is more.

What helps a lot for me personally is if I don't think I am upsetting the person too much and don't feel pressurised. I come out of it quicker that way. Thats just me though.

Remember that she is very unlikely to be sitting dispassionately going about her normal life without a thought for you when like this. For me it is more a case of of being so overwhelmed that speaking or feeling or everything is too much. Its like being precariously balanced on a tightrope and having to juggle something dangerous. Someone wanting to give you a hug, speak about your feelings or have a conversation is not very helpful.

Very pleased you are getting some counselling to support you. I certainly wouldn't be able to be on the receiving end and credit to anyone who can.

Oh, and I would definitely not send your lovely letter. Take slow steps.

I just read your other posts. I think it is definitely in your rights to think of what you expect or can't do without in the relationship and communicate that. For the relationship to work you both need to be getting your minimum needs met. And if either of you is unable to give what the other wants then that means it won't work and sadly that happens sometimes.

One thing I would be wary of though if you tend to be caretaker of others. Don't let yourself think that you can change things for her. That it would be better if only she could just let you in. Sadly it doesn't seem to work that way. It may be easy to think of a romanticised outcome and that could leave you very hurt. There absolutely is hope and things can improve. And for others their symptoms may stay pretty strong regardless.

 

[Tinyflame]

That may be a problem then. JMExperience but even reaching out when super down or in trouble is a Herculean effort and step (progress). Sufferer don't know when the valleys will end, only ways to try to make them end.