Relationship Started And Perhaps Ending A Relation With A Sufferer Of Ptsd.

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry, I have to add, something doesn't sit right about teling you in two weeks (about the ptsd). Unless she's very comfortable telling everyone, which is fine. But I don't actually understand that part.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Take (almost) everything you know about normal relationships and throw it out the window. I mean in terms of trying to understand behavior.

Do you know her back story? Do you know why some of us just have revolving door relationships? We grow to expect to be left. Imagine being at the worst possible place in life and having people leave you for something you can't control. You learn to depend on yourself. You learn that a symptomatic turn for the worse means people will leave you. You learn to become indifferent because you can't deal with one more person leaving you. And you probably think this last paragraph was all about PTSD. It wasn't. This happens when people are diagnosed with cancer or other horrible illnesses as well. I could go on, but I won't.

 

[Abstract]

I just wish suffers new it doesn't have to be that way

I would imagine most sufferers who have someone supportive in their lives do know this. But for a lot the type of support I think you mean is not helpful. That is one of the reasons those with PTSD isolate. It is for me anyway.

Often I think supporters are not realising that is about them not the sufferer. It is difficult to be cut off and difficult to feel that one can't be of help. Especially for those with co dependency issues. If someone has these then not being allowed to help can feel annihilating. But often instead of just realising that it is very difficult for them supporters often seem to wrap it in a belief that they could be helping and that that is the main problem.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

Thanks all. Abstract retort #36 very insightful. Happy to give her two days, two weeks, two months if she needs it, with the notion that she wants to come back. :) Or, at the very least, continue to try and develop a healthy relationship with me. I'm not interested in weekend flings or an open dating situation. If I'm in, I'm all in, and I want you to the be same.

Junebug, thanks for feedback. Maybe I'm just an approachable, caring man that made her comfortable enough to open up to me? I'll go with that story. :) She said she really, really liked me so she wanted to tell be honest with me and tell me, and seemingly give me an opportunity to walk.

Needless to say, I did not.

I do know a bit of her backstory. She has been single for about 3 years. She did date a man and I believe did live with him prior to that for quite some time. Only time she has been "in love". Not sure why it ended-- she only stated it was because they weren't making "any memories" together-- sounded like it had simply gone stale.

She had a short three month relationship about 10 months ago, but that ended terribly-- apparently he was sociopathic and threatened her family and tried to extort money from them and apparently stalked her. So, not the greatest experience.

So, 10 months later and we meet. She was really nervous when we first went out, and I found it rather jarring at first, then oddly endearing. How could an attractive, smart, funny woman be so insecure? Then I asked the same question about myself. :) We took it slow by most accounts, and still have not had sex. We saw each other about twice a week, but did share may intimate details, thoughts and so on-- in the emotional context-- I suspect we were moving rather quickly, now in hindsight.

ScaredofLonely-- that is part of my point-- to break this cycle of abandonment issues. I can't really express my intent and support if there is no line of communication. Last I spoke to her I mentioned I was in no rush, and wasn't going anywhere. In the same breath, that sentiment should not be taken for granted or abused-- waiting forever is not an option-- growth must occur on both sides. Again, any relationship must be bi-directional, even if its a bit uneven.

Armed with will and determination, and grace, too.

:)

 

[mixtapeheartache]

Abstract-- that makes sense. Again, I am acutely aware of a past "Jesus Complex", but I have grown a lot, and actually, with my academic background is social-psychology, I actually DO think I can help support in a tangible manner. Mostly by listening, but also helping implement tangible plans outlines by other counsellors and professionals, or provide insight into latest academic / counseling trends.

At the same time, I suspect this could be interpreted as belittling the sufferer.

Does it kill me I can't help? Sure. I am a man of great empathy? Do I know how to help? Not just yet. Do I want her to know she does not have to avoid me, nor feel shame or guilt at her affliction or what she is going through in my presence? 100%.

Is that not in itself support? My understanding is, it does not matter how I want her to feel, how my words and actions make her feel, but how she ACTUALLY feels, logic besides the point. I can tell her over and over again not to feel shy, guilty, or ashamed to not be able to provide me with what she "thinks" I need, but I suspect that won't change anything.

She can honestly tell me anything, and I would have zero judgement. To be able to have a non-judgmental outlet, especially one who may be your primary intimate partner, to me that would seem invaluable. No? And I know for moments, I WAS that person to go to--- then it just stopped. She always had mentioned how I made her calm, and soothed her and so on.

Sigh.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

Also, I do not want to belittle the nature of anyones traumatic episode-- the initial trigger if you will–– but my potential partners trauma event seems "relatively" mild compared to brutally violent traumas like rape, combat, murder, sudden death of loved on / animal and so on (from what she told me of it, anyways). Again, I do not want to be insensitive to any perceived trauma by anyone-- everyone is different. The best thing I can liken it to is being in the wrong place at the wrong time and getting your hand caught in the cookie jar and spending a few nights behind bars to think about it-- or perhaps a lifetime straight A student failing a class for the first (and only time). I know these may seem trivial / mundane, I sincerely apologize to anyone that my have offended, but as a metaphor or simile of the trauma itself she experienced, its pretty spot on.

I want to respect her privacy so I cannot go into much more detail than that.

 

[Tinyflame]

Mixtape, sorry no you've lost me. You say you have a sociological-psychological (studies) background, but then you would know from that either the trauma was more severe, or she is not letting on what the extent of it was, or is not acknowledging it. Along with the other criteria, that is the nature of the basic requirements for a ptsd diagnosis. They don't call it debilitating and life-threatening on the home page for no reason.

Not to mention a 3 month relationship with a 'sociopath' isn't easy to rebound from. Especially if one already has ptsd. Talk about one's stress cup overflowing.

Similarly, I'm sorry, but if it were me and I didn't tell anyone before, they could be Mother Teresa and I wouldn't reveal it in 2 weeks.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

Makes sense--- and to be clear-- social-psychology isn't specifically psychology focused on the individual-- that is, I have a broad academic background. : )

I have no idea if she has or has not revealed it before. Only going on what happened pour moi.

This is new to me, so I actually am very worried-- not hearing from her for even a day is not typical, so my mind occasionally drifts to the worst possible case scenerio. I just want to know she is okay (in the general sense of the word). We don't have any mutual friends at the moment, and I definitely do not want to enter her professional working space boundaries, nor some of her dog walking routes "just to check".

Conundrum, indeed.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you're OVER thinking this! Try to accept that at this very moment she needs space, just space, and nothing but space. You're letting the what ifs drive you mad. You're over analyzing things and its causing you to panic. Just breathe.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

And THAT my dear is why I'm going to counseling today. :)

 

[p-no]

I haven't read all posts (just yours, mix) and would just like to comment on this, because, in my view, it doesn't get enough credit, generally, on here:

With counselling, support and a positive attitude [as in: actions], some things are possible.

as opposed to:

With counselling, support, and a positive attitude, anything is possible.

I'd in no way suggest to throw everything you know about "normal" relationships out the window, as that is pitch black. I'd also not believe in what you said in your quote as that is an innocently bright white -- I'd suggest looking a bit more at all those shades of grey and colors.

In my case, with almost 20 years of therapy (on and off; in Germany, we have to take a break of two years in between what we call "long-term therapy" (around 80 sessions)), I can say that a lot is possible, also with regard to behavior and beliefs in/of relationships.

I think, sending a text to let another person (especially one who is important to oneself) know the basics, or an e-mail or a short phone call or a short talk in person has to do with basic respect for another human being, and not with PTSD. I learned that at 19 during my first long-term therapy. Ever since, I would tell my now ex-husband, friends, family, etc. WHY I was doing what I was doing, and, in terms of what goes as withdrawal on the forum, how long I was gone and that if I needed more time, I'd let them know. I would usually have a mobile phone and be reachable, but would also turn it of when I felt I needed to. Which didn't stop me from getting back to them if someone called or sent a text.

Having sad that, as far as I know, you have now arrived on day 3 (or 4, depending on where you are) of you and her not being in touch. That is not necessary withdrawal, but I understand to be life. I know quite a few people who don't feel the need to be in touch 24/7 and they are content in their relationships (they seem like it and say so). Three (or four) days CAN be the beginning of withdrawal, but they sure can not be taken as such yet. There are many people out there who don't have a mobile phone. They have relationships, too. :eek: :D

I sense from your posts that you are very close to codependency, at least on an emotional level. I am grateful for you that you are seeing your own therapist. I am saying all this in the light of my past, which includes codependency. It isn't a lot of fun.

Best wishes.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

Thanks Prime. I actually am quite comfortable with not having contact with someone I care about for quite sometime-- I just need to guidelines set out so I have some expectation. It is definitely unusual for her not to text me or contact me on a daily basis. She did mention she needed some space, that we probably wouldn't see each other for a bit, and I was okay with that. I did not realize that meant complete isolation / perceived indifference.

Yup, on day 4 today. I don't think you assessment of co-dependence is inaccurate. I have read Melanie Beatty's "Co-Dependent No More" and have been able to see many parables in myself, and have always had issue being alone. I definitely crave companionship and relationships (likely in part to my mother passing at a very young age), but refrain from enabling any particular negative behaviour. I think a part of it is also our innate human nature-- to feel connected.

I am also a "Fixer", and probably empathetic to a fault. I am seeing a counsellor today to help address my own issues and needs in a relationship, and try and better understand hers.

Last message I left was telling her I'd like to see her that evening and what her schedule was like. Prior to that I sent her text asking how her day was going. She has never not responded before so I immediately became alarmed. Then I found this site. :)

And now, the journey begins.