Hi there everybody,
I usually post in the Supporter forum but I am grappling with issues in my relationship, and I want some feedback from Sufferers. Not having PTSD myself but loving someone who does, I truly do not know what is fair for me to expect from my partner.
Background:
- I have been with my partner for 10 years, lived together for 9. We are a same sex couple and our state does not allow marriage. Effectively, we are married.
- I am very codependent in general which has created many of the problems I am about to describe.
- My partner lost her job in 2009 and has worked only a few, very widely spaced odd jobs paying very, very little since then.
My partner and I have always been a very affectionate, tightly bonded couple. Lots of "I love yous," lots of physical touch, weekly sex. The last few years have been difficult largely due to financial reasons (at first). I have been paying all of the bills. Yes, this is a huge problem and one that I need to address....before you all tell me that!! :)
My partner has struggled with the loss of her identity as a productive citizen due to the joblessness which led to her showing some signs of depression and anger especially the last few years. These were generally one or two day episodes which were over quickly. Afterwards she returned to normal.
In December 2012 she turned 40. On her birthday, out of the blue she told me that she was raped 20 years ago. Ever since then she has been slowly disappearing - this is the only way I can describe it. She was still loving and affectionate and wanted to be sexual up until the beginning of April. Then, during sex, I became emotional and cried. She had a flashback to her attack at that point and ever since then, the sex and most of the love and affection have stopped. She still tells me she loves me and gives me small tokens of affection but nothing like what it was before. She doesn't want to spend much time together, doesn't want to talk about what is going on with her most of the time and tells me she is empty and has nothing to give me. Meanwhile, I am still paying for everything and she is not even trying to look for a job. The neighbors pay her to do odd jobs but nothing that would actually help with the household expenses.
In the meantime I have issues of my own that I am dealing with around my severe codependent traits. My partner sees two therapists, one a rape specialist and the other a CBT specialist. I really want her to focus on her recovery, but the thing for me is this: I cannot continue to bear this financial load for both practical AS WELL AS emotional reasons. Our lease is up at the end of July and I will need to make some sort of decision then.
My question for you: How much of a factor is the PTSD in the "shutdown" mode she is in now? If I start to hold her accountable financially, will this push her over the edge? Our "arrangement" financially has been in place since 2011. We HAVE discussed that she needs to go back to work but she is doing nothing to facilitate that.
Any other feedback you have is also welcome. Thanks.
I usually post in the Supporter forum but I am grappling with issues in my relationship, and I want some feedback from Sufferers. Not having PTSD myself but loving someone who does, I truly do not know what is fair for me to expect from my partner.
Background:
- I have been with my partner for 10 years, lived together for 9. We are a same sex couple and our state does not allow marriage. Effectively, we are married.
- I am very codependent in general which has created many of the problems I am about to describe.
- My partner lost her job in 2009 and has worked only a few, very widely spaced odd jobs paying very, very little since then.
My partner and I have always been a very affectionate, tightly bonded couple. Lots of "I love yous," lots of physical touch, weekly sex. The last few years have been difficult largely due to financial reasons (at first). I have been paying all of the bills. Yes, this is a huge problem and one that I need to address....before you all tell me that!! :)
My partner has struggled with the loss of her identity as a productive citizen due to the joblessness which led to her showing some signs of depression and anger especially the last few years. These were generally one or two day episodes which were over quickly. Afterwards she returned to normal.
In December 2012 she turned 40. On her birthday, out of the blue she told me that she was raped 20 years ago. Ever since then she has been slowly disappearing - this is the only way I can describe it. She was still loving and affectionate and wanted to be sexual up until the beginning of April. Then, during sex, I became emotional and cried. She had a flashback to her attack at that point and ever since then, the sex and most of the love and affection have stopped. She still tells me she loves me and gives me small tokens of affection but nothing like what it was before. She doesn't want to spend much time together, doesn't want to talk about what is going on with her most of the time and tells me she is empty and has nothing to give me. Meanwhile, I am still paying for everything and she is not even trying to look for a job. The neighbors pay her to do odd jobs but nothing that would actually help with the household expenses.
In the meantime I have issues of my own that I am dealing with around my severe codependent traits. My partner sees two therapists, one a rape specialist and the other a CBT specialist. I really want her to focus on her recovery, but the thing for me is this: I cannot continue to bear this financial load for both practical AS WELL AS emotional reasons. Our lease is up at the end of July and I will need to make some sort of decision then.
My question for you: How much of a factor is the PTSD in the "shutdown" mode she is in now? If I start to hold her accountable financially, will this push her over the edge? Our "arrangement" financially has been in place since 2011. We HAVE discussed that she needs to go back to work but she is doing nothing to facilitate that.
Any other feedback you have is also welcome. Thanks.
