DID Suspected DID and I'm very resistant

[Midnightmoon]

9 months ago my previous therapy broke down completely and I spiraled. They were my first T, the ending was awful, unplanned and with no referral or plan. Basically, it was a checklist of how not to treat a therapy client, let alone one with trust issues....

After hitting the very bottom of rock bottom I concluded that avoiding was only making me worse and I've started seeing someone new. They've shared that they feel there is a high likelihood what I'm experiencing is DID, on top of the CPTSD already diagnosed. They'd like to eventually work towards a proper diagnosis, but for now happy to keep working and assessing.

I am really, really struggling with the idea of DID to the point that I want to run and never go back. I feel like I've not only lied my way through a CPTSD diagnosis, but now I'm being so dramatic they think I'm presenting as having DID too.

Anyone with DID, do these feelings shift? Is there any way to work out if it's 'real'? T says I'm in denial, where as I feel I've just failed to 'human like a normal person.

 

[Rose White]

I feel like I've not only lied my way through a CPTSD diagnosis, but now I'm being so dramatic they think I'm presenting as having DID too.

Can you tell your T this, especially about the lying part? They are used to clients lying and have their own ways of coaxing the truth out but you can speed up the process by being forthcoming.

 

[Midnightmoon]

Can you tell your T this, especially about the lying part? They are used to clients lying and have their own ways of coaxing the truth out but you can speed up the process by being forthcoming.

I can't get much out to new T at all at the minute, I just sit I'm shame loops that I shouldn't even be allowed to be there. They know I think I'm just a liar, they're not of the same opinion.

 

[whiteraven]

I am really, really struggling with the idea of DID to the point that I want to run and never go back.

What about a DID diagnosis are you struggling with?

Anyone with DID, do these feelings shift?

They certainly did with me. It was important initially to understand why my T thought I had DID, and to talk with others to see/understand it's just a different way of seeing myself. I came to accept it, and that helped me do a ton of work with my others that really helped move me forward.

They know I think I'm just a liar, they're not of the same opinion.

This is a super common thing to think when facing a DID diagnosis. What helped me is a lot of very open dialogue with my T.

 

[Teamwork]

Could be the quickness too. T may need to slow down a bit. Try looking into all parts welcome, internal family systems. May not be you, but the model helps to understand, we all have parts. Did the parts split? Maybe. If you can approach with wondering, curiosity instead of fear you may be able to see both sides. When I was diagnosed with DID, I already knew I functioned with a system that had many ages coming and going so to give it a name was not okay with me. I felt kind of like, wait, what, this is a diagnosis? No, it’s just the way I’ve wandered through life with cptsd. Why is that easier to digest than DID? DID has a bad name in movies and such. I’m pretty harmless. Creative, childlike some times, fierce lover of everyone and have lots of work to do to not slip into lost time, trauma responses, people coming and going without saying. It is a lot to digest. And to me, except for a few close friends this is still very private. I know about my system and so does my psychologist but not too many others. after all it is the family I grew up with, my helpers, my protectors.

 

[Midnightmoon]

Quickness is probably a huge factor I hadn't even considered, I've seen this T a handful of times, and there was no way, at all, I was anticipating them to suggest DID.

I think it feels such a 'big' diagnosis and looking on YouTube (T had offered some links they felt we're reliable) it was like a slow motion of brief relief followed by utter horror of realising that I completely identified with what they were describing. It's the language that throws me at the minute, T starts saying about 'the system', but to me it's just always been me. That becoming a disorder feels scary (like I've lost even more of my identity in some ways)

 

[KayW]

To my mind, a therapist that has only seen you for a few weeks shouldn't have suggested a further diagnosis. I don't know what country you live in, but there is a huge difference in the rate that diagnoses are handed out in different countries. It doesn't mean that the severity of symptoms differs, just that the attitude towards diagnosis is different.

The point I'm trying to make is if you end up in hospital or feel you're in danger, for example, if you're wondering the streets and don't know how you got there, then a diagnosis of DID might be beneficial to help get the care you need. But if you've lived with parts and your therapist is able to work with parts, then there's no reason to have a diagnosis if don't want one.

Having parts is common with multiple and childhood abuse. I have parts and have gone through a stage when it was distressing and I wondered if a diagnosis would help ease that distress. Both my therapist and people here helped me talk through the pros and cons of diagnosis and that helped me to make that choice.

 

[Sideways]

Anyone with DID, do these feelings shift? Is there any way to work out if it's 'real'? T says I'm in denial, where as I feel I've just failed to 'human like a normal person.

Yeah, they do.

When I was finally diagnosed, I decided that meant I was completely mad. The full scale, Hollywood super-crazy mad. That stuck for quite a while.

You get through it with time. Because, the diagnosis changes absolutely nothing about who you are. The only thing it does change is you get insight and management strategies to actually make life functional finally.

T may need to slow down a bit.

This.

The average length of time that someone needs to be in therapy before they get diagnosed with DID is about 7 years. For many people, it’s waaaay longer. And for the majority, it’s only after there’s been a series of other wrong diagnoses. So, it’s pretty unusual to go to DID in such a short time.

A fragmented self is synonymous with CPTSD. And if the self is fragmented to a pathological level, or the dissociation is being experienced beyond what can be attributed to CPTSD (dissociation is very typical of cptsd), DID is at the pointy end of the spectrum of dissociative disorders that could be relevant.

Which is not to say that your T is wrong.

But yeah, they need to slow the hell down!

 

[Midnightmoon]

I'm in the UK so a diagnosis is still classed as rare and a very specialised process of assessment. My new T just happens to be a lead clinician in the assessment and treatment of it in the country, so I trust that they know their stuff, it's just a bit of a too much too soon moment.

If it is DID, a diagnosis would open up massive, massive support which I guess is why I'm even considering it. I'll try and get them to sloooowww down

 

[brokenpony]

it happened to me about 7 months ago that my therapist said this and since then i have been a total mess. i go from soupy fog and then big intrusions of panic then “void” then back to soupy fog then “social” “normal” for brief periods, on and on etc. and sometimes i feel like my brain is just dissipating under pressure. i can’t believe it’s been that long because it feels like it just happened.

my reality now feels like some abstract painting i don’t understand. in the meantime i research. since then it’s been like a big plot twist in a movie, where you go back to look for the evidence to make sure it all adds up. the evidence is there, sure. but i can talk myself out of it as easily as i talk myself into it. i am an academic. my therapist is patient.

i honestly feel too crazy for this world, like Sideways first felt, just crazier than i could have imagined. good to know that changes for some people. i would really like to be functional again because i have lost so much life and potential over the past 5 years, i barely recognize myself at all and it causes sui, when i consider just how far away i’ve gone from the world in that time.

good luck with it.

 

[Midnightmoon]

it happened to me about 7 months ago that my therapist said this and since then i have been a total mess. i go from soupy fog and then big intrusions of panic then “void” then back to soupy fog then “social” “normal” for brief periods, on and on etc. and sometimes i feel like my brain is just dissipating under pressure. i can’t believe it’s been that long because it feels like it just happened.

my reality now feels like some abstract painting i don’t understand. in the meantime i research. since then it’s been like a big plot twist in a movie, where you go back to look for the evidence to make sure it all adds up. the evidence is there, sure. but i can talk myself out of it as easily as i talk myself into it. i am an academic. my therapist is patient.

i honestly feel too crazy for this world, like Sideways first felt, just crazier than i could have imagined. good to know that changes for some people. i would really like to be functional again because i have lost so much life and potential over the past 5 years, i barely recognize myself at all and it causes sui, when i consider just how far away i’ve gone from the world in that time.

good luck with it.

I'm sorry you're in this rubbish situation too, I think I really get the whole brain soup feeling. It's like everything I knew before is being questioned, or as you so brilliantly put it the movie plot twist. No answers but always nice to feel a little safer in numbers

 

[beaneeboo]

I think it feels such a 'big' diagnosis and looking on YouTube (T had offered some links they felt we're reliable) it was like a slow motion of brief relief followed by utter horror of realising that I completely identified with what they were describing. It's the language that throws me at the minute, T starts saying about 'the system', but to me it's just always been me.

I get what you mean... there's alot of stigma attached and it's a diagnosis which even alot of therapists steer clear of...

I was diagnosed with DDNOS (now OSDD) about 7 years ago... I denied it all that time... Amd it's only recently I've allowed myself to look into it with curiosity to find whether it fits what I'm truly experiencing or not...

You mention your T is an assessor at one of the leading UK clinics. My assessor was too and I found this to be a double edged sword. First, the 'they must know what they are talking about then they know their shi*.' Then, 'this is someone who is very invested in working in a certain way (seeing everything through the lens of DDs) and I don't want to be a guinea pig and just be fit into that mold.'

For me, the feelings have shifted from denial to curiosity. I am beginning to educate myself more (please be careful looking up random DID YouTube videos... they can be really damaging and very artificial done by people who want to put their experience out there as 'THE COLLECTIVE DID EXPERIENCE' which just isn't the case)... I find the CTAD clinic videos for the most part informative and practical.. check them out). And I'm also very aware now that ignoring my diagnosis for 7 years didn't get me far in the long run.. so I'm open to new therapy possibilities now... I've also realised that some of my experiences I'm being to therapy aren't known to my T who is very experienced... but not trained in DDs... so another clue that something is going on there...

In terms of feeling like you've lied and are being dramatic, DID or not, these are common feelings about trauma as well as other diagnoses... just watch them from a far and be curious...

They other thing I'm learning about DID is it's not necessarily correlated just to severe and enduring trauma... they are beginning to link it to more subtle forms of attachment issues, during the early years, including well meaning parents who just weren't able to provide a stable attachment for whatever reason eg mental illness... which can go on to create the same feelings of unsafety that other more overtly and severely abused kids experience...

So what you view as not a big deal you may have to reframe looking from the point of view of little you ... the environment the people and access to support you didn't have, your level of perceived safety, whether objectively real or not...

That becoming a disorder feels scary (like I've lost even more of my identity in some ways)

I understand this 100%

At the end of the day, all diagnoses aren't the objective truthful identity of any of us... they just try to capture and make sense of certain sypmtoms which are experienced also by others and can be helpful in guiding therapeutic approaches, based on research done etc... but it doesn't change who you are as a person...

Its not for anyone here to convince you whether you do or don't have a DD.. but perhaps look into it with interest about what strategies could be offered to help you through your journey.

And tell your T to slow down. No one should be pushing any diagnosis on to you. Tell her you have the info and when you're ready you will initiate the convo with them. If you can