Sympathy Makes Me Angry

[Bill Dickerson]

I know that often Folks here are not sure what to say. I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings just telling how I feel and I'm not sure why. I know they have good intentions but someone saying they are sorry I had this bad experience irritates me.

They couldn't have prevented it. Makes me feel like a little boy and my Mom is saying there..there.. did you scrape your knee.

It seems to be mostly females and I guess it's the Mars and Venus thing. It seems to invalidate my feelings like saying your sorry will somehow help. I don't post for Sympathy I post because it helps me to work the problem. It calms me down or maybe I get some insight from another Member. I guess it's like keeping a journal with input. Kind of like group therapy from home or telecommuting.

Is it just because I'm angry at the world and it's misdirected? Why does it piss me off so much.

 

[maddog]

Just the title of this thread made me smile and feel compelled to read...

Well mate, if it pisses you off, then it pisses you off, there's no point in wondering whether that's ok or it's not ok or anything else, it just is what it is, and for what it's worth, I do very much understand where you're coming from.

Then again, I am also often accused of having a "male brain" and am renowned for sometimes viciously rejecting anything that is, or is perceived by me to be, sympathy.

I think sometimes it's really hard for anyone to know what to say, and the added complication of an online forum where a lot of the interpersonal cues are missing, makes that even trickier. Personally, I also cringe at the tried and true "I'm so sorry.." line, because you're right, it sounds sappy, cliched and completely inadequate, which can in turn feel very insulting and patronising.

That said, I know I use it myself at times, always cringe with awkward guilt as I do, but sometimes can't think of what else to say, as it's often hard to read the poster's mind and to know whether or not the person is looking for empathy (I prefer to steer away from sympathy, which I think is entirely different and never constructive), or is looking for constructive solutions, or is simply journalling or processing aloud, much as you describe.

I can think of recent examples where confusion as to the poster's intent has caused friction around here, and that's precisely why. Speaking for myself, these issues can be so sensitive that even a well-intentioned misinterpretation of my intent can hurt and inflame me to an exaggerated emotional response, and then everyone's feelings are hurt, everyone is bruised and angry and a tiny issue can spiral out of control in an instant.

The answer? Damned if I know. I guess as responders, we all just try to say what we feel in response to posts, and to be careful to make it clear that our comments are our views and responses only and are to be taken with as much or as little credence as the poster desires.

As posters, I suppose it is our responsibility to either state upfront what we're seeking in a response (which is often unrealistically false and silly in practice) or accept the fact that a whole range of different personalities (and genders) will have a whole range of different responses, some of which we will appreciate and respond to, and some of which we will not appreciate and will presumably ignore.

Such is the struggle of trying to share and to communicate and to support and to do the best we can with the interpersonal resources we have in the forum we have to use them.

And hey, if this post has been a very girlie overanalytical reply, I'm sure you'll just delete it and move on, and I won't care, because that's your right, just as it is my choice to respond because I actually really do empathise with where you're coming from and wanted you to know it.

And for what it's worth, I *am* sorry that you're struggling with this, it sux, it's hard, and it's a lonely road when you feel as though you're trying to communicate and nobody is hearing or responding in the way you need.

Maddog

 

[Meadowsweet]

I went through a stage of rejecting or questioning all of the "aww" "hugs" "bless" words, because to me they seemed false. And to me false kindness is grooming.

But at the same time, I was facing an attacker and I had a fear of him or anyone seeing my weakness. So if anybody spoke to me or about me as if I was weak, I was in a position where I had to show a front that proved I was strong, controlled and dealing with it by myself.

It was a tactic that kept people who, as a group, were mixing with my attacker and were therefore dangerous to me. At the time, I was in denial of the danger, and I was just acting instinctively to survive.

In between then and now, Ive had regular emotional meltdowns where I can cry for hours day after day. And I've felt so in need of a hug, that I've imagined someone is there hugging me.

Its a release that's needed, its grieving. And having done alot of that, I no longer view the sorry's and hugs as sympathy, I view them as support.

So, just in my experience, I think fear of sympathy is related to fear of looking weak. But its not weak to grieve. It leads to a stronger place eventually.

 

[Barberian]

Is it just because I'm angry at the world and it's misdirected? Why does it piss me off so much.

Sympathy doesn't make me angry, but usually I'm uncomfortable with it. I don't know how to respond. I've taken several personalitiy tests through the years and I've always scored as very independant, strongly anti-social and such. I don't know how to connect with others on an emotional level. I usually don't trust others, and don't open up to them especially on an emotional level.

Could it be that it makes you feel uncomfortable as well and possibly vulnerable if you connect with them, and as such triggers anger as a self defence mechanism?

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I think it kind of invalidates the issue. Like saying your sorry will make some kind of impact or help in some way. There isn't anything to forgive .....it just is. It's something I have to deal with inside my own head. I know some say they are sorry and they wish me well and if it helps them to say that so be it.

It might be frustration on my part. I know when I went to group therapy that seemed to help. I got some feedback but I didn't want everyone to pat me on the back and act like they were at a funeral.

Does anyone else feel this way or is it just me?

 

[mamachick]

This is a really good topic and it takes courage to share how you really interpret others responses. Since we are not all alike and are not mind readers, the best we can do is empathize and say what comes most natural to us. For myself, when a friend has a family member die, I just cannot find the right words and I criticize myself for what I say or write-it just doesnt seem good enough. A more rational thought is that no matter what I say, it will likely bring the comfort that they "want". When I have been in that position, I am grateful for whatever compassion they show.

However, sympathy does not make me angry necessarily but it makes me very uncomfortable-to say the least. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. When I was 11, I lived in an orphanage for a couple of years because my mom was a depressed alcoholic. Us orphans hung out together at school and nobody at school asked about our lives. We were not allowed to discuss it within the orphanage. When I was 13, I went to live with my sister and her family. Friends asked if my parents were deceased and when I said no, of course they asked why I lived with my sister. This is the first time I remember the circumstances around avoiding eliciting sympathy-although I vaguely remember it in school.

I would never say something about my family that would make people feel sorry for me, so I had to kind of lie, throw in my sense of humor, and let it roll off my back. I remember saying the school district was kind of bad, I help my sister with her kids, we decided it was best after dad passed away, etc. (they were divorced)
They are all true statements but not the reason-it was court ordered due to abuse and neglect. I dont think it was about feeling weak or vulnerable, I just could not handle if someone felt sorry for me and I would cover for another to prevent it, even if it made me look bad, and it did at times. This has sure given me a lot to think about.

When I finally grew up, I learned to be really honest about the facts without eliciting sympathy, by stating the facts in a matter of fact way. Occassionally I do get that sympathy card played on me but not often, and when I do and feel uncomfortable with it, I think I have been able to make it clear that it serves no purpose in my life but appreciate the thought. As I think about it, if somebody is showing sympathy for me, I feel like my sharing has make them sad, and that is not my attempt. So the sympathizer is sad due to me and I caused it. That feels exactly right but how twisted. I do not prefer any sympathy.

Maddog I really like your response to this and know that words have certainly caused friction on this forum. There are all kinds of personalities here, some very gentle, others tell it like it is, and everything in between. The best thing that we can do for ourselves is the best that is for others as well, and that is be as genuine as we are, and that means not trying to change our style to suit others. That is not to say that we would not benefit in our relationships with others by making changes. If we often offend people, it is worth looking at what we do that causes that. However, it is unrealistic to think that we can please everyone all the time-and if we did-we would not be real.

This is a good place to practice communication and examine if we often feel criticized, left out, wrong in our opinion, etc. By voicing our opionions respectfully, we are not responsible for someone feeling bad. I think it is important to remember-we didnt cause it and we cant cure it. It is up to each of us to learn to communicate in a positive way that we can express and accept our differences and all be OK. Its a safe place to learn to assert self, to learn to be more gentle, more genuine, learn to not jump to conclusions without all the information, etc, or to just confront our thinking styles that are self destructive.

Good topic....Thanks

 

[Meadowsweet]

i think perhaps lots of people feel or have felt that way at some time, but it may be for different reasons.

But I think it can be more beneficial to understand why it brings up anger in you.

 

[mamachick]

Bill Dickerson-yes I know that feeling like they are at a funeral. I wanna say-"dont feel sorry for me" Im ok.
For me, I think it is about me making them feel sad because they show that sympathy with such sadness.
I dont want someone to do something for me ever because they feel sorry for me.

 

[KP the nut]

Embarrassed to say, I am guilty as charged.

I am a huggy, tactile person, it is how I am and I will not apologise for it. With new members I usually 'hug' and add if they accept them.

I dont want someone to do something for me ever because they feel sorry for me.

If I say I am sorry for what you have been through, it is because I mean it. I am not sorry for you as such, rather that you had to experience what happened. If I don't mean it I don't reply.

Wishing you peace
KP

 

[doglover]

I think it kind of invalidates the issue. Like saying your sorry will make some kind of impact or help in some way. There isn't anything to forgive .....it just is. [...]I got some feedback but I didn't want everyone to pat me on the back and act like they were at a funeral.

I want to be sure I am understanding. When I read the above, it sounds a little like you're saying two things. One, 'I'm-sorry' won't do any good, and if you are struggling then you want people to back off and let you struggle and not try to make you feel better. Two, you don't want to feel/be seen as helpless, and people patting you on the back acting like they are at a funeral puts too much attention on the situation where it paints you like someone who might have emotional needs - like folks would act different if they didn't know you were dealing with symptoms. And maybe folks try to reach out and be supportive but the fight-or-flight stuff makes you want to push them away.

So part of it is wanting people to back off and let you struggle (or get better) as you choose on your path, and part of it is not wanting pity and not wanting to feel like people think you are helpless. Control and power and trust... three things I know in my own recovery are biggies (whether that applies to you is only for you to know).

Am I understanding at all? If I don't understand it wouldn't be the first time. I can be slow sometimes!

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I guess it's the Mars things. I want to fix it.

I'm sorry doesn't help and it doesn't make me feel better. Being supportive is giving usable feedback. I pour out my very intimate thoughts and issues and I get "I'm sorry". It's not anyone's job here to make me feel better.

I want feedback that will make me think or a suggestion of a coping process. I understand it's how some react and I'm not holding it against them. I'm not angry with the person saying it.

I suppose I'm frustrated. Just as I posted about this feeling that is confusing to me I'm looking for feedback. I want to understand it and try to move past it.

 

[bethinhfx]

When I say I am sorry because I do, for me it is a sign of respect. I am acknowledging the event, the distress, the pain. Its not in any way meant to be condescending. Its like, " wow, I am really sorry that happened to you" because it sucks, and sometimes all I need is an acknowledgement so I think others may need the same.

However, if it bothers you, you are well within your rights to ask that people not say that! Like, " I would like some feedback, and I am sorry enough for everyone so no sorries needed!" or something like that! Peace. Beth