T Changed His Mind And I Feel Sad About It

[Deleted member 40384]

I wrote a little about my T in another post, but I hope it's okay to ask this question here, if anyone has been in a similar situation. A few months ago, I asked my T to hold me in session, and he did. We did this for 5 or so more sessions, and it was the safest, most nurturing experience I've ever had. A few weeks ago, T said that he decided he felt uncomfortable with it, and that he couldn't continue doing it (he said that this decision wasn't at all related to the topic of my previous thread, it was just him deciding that he was more uncomfortable with it than he initially thought). I've worked past the shame and thoughts that "there's something wrong with me" related to his decision, and now I'm at a place where I feel really sad, as it feels like a huge loss. How can I come to terms with the fact that I'll never experience that from him again? We were trying to figure out other ways that I could get that need met, and there are some ways that might partially help, but they're not the same. For months before he started holding me, I would fantasize about it, and feel an intense aching and longing. When he held me in real life, that longing started to go down a little, and I was excited that I might be able to work through my attachment issues and emotional deprivation in a safe environment. I felt like him holding me was what I really needed to solidify that work. Now after he's changed his mind, I feel devastated. It strengthens my feelings of loss surrounding "safe" people. My mom stopped hugging me when I was younger, and those same feelings are coming up. The longing is intense and with the knowledge that I won't experience it again, I feel so much worse. I don't know how to let it go. I've talked about it with him in today's session, and I didn't really come up with a solution, but at least I expressed my feelings. How can I accept and let go of the reality? I keep trying to think of ways that I could change his mind again, and I realize that it's probably not going to get me anywhere. He is still open to hugs, and I'm grateful for that. It's not the same, though, and that hurts.

 

[Deleted member 40384]

I guess I should add that during the time period when T was holding me, he reassured me that it wouldn't stop - as in, I could feel confident that what he was giving to me wouldn't be taken away. Now I see that at the time he felt that way, but he later felt he had to change those boundaries. It definitely hit the nerve on my trust and stability issues.

 

[joeylittle]

It definitely hit the nerve on my trust and stability issues.

So, the big question is whether or not you can work through this - and I'd think that working through it with your therapist is essential, since it involves them.

What do you think it would look like, to bring up these thoughts/feelings in session? Does it seem possible to you? (Im sure it's scary...)

 

[Deleted member 40384]

I brought up my feelings about it yesterday in session, and I think it was the most vulnerable I've been with him. I cried a lot, which is hard for me to do in session because usually my mind won't let me go there / I dissociate. We talked about how it brought up my feelings of loss from childhood, and how I didn't get the love I needed. I want to talk about it more with him, but I can tell he's uncomfortable talking about it because he kept changing the subject. I think he feels bad about it, because his eyes were teary / red for most of the session. I'm so worried about making him uncomfortable now, but I guess I have to be okay with that. We went on an exposure outing later in the day, and it went well except I kind of embarrassed myself... when we got back to my apartment, I wanted to show him this art thing I got recently, and asked if he wanted to see it... he looked SO uncomfortable (I am cringing thinking about it), but he came up (he's been in my apartment once before, a few months ago, briefly before an outing)... afterward I texted him and asked if I made him uncomfortable and that I was sorry if I had... he said no, you didn't. But in the past he's said things to spare my feelings. I feel embarrassed that he knows I'm so attached to him.

 

[Rag doll]

Sasha. It can be hard to know someone else's feelings in this instance it is compounded by the fact, this is not personal relationship but therapeutic one....I wonder if this is not where the crux of problem lies...your T may have had the best of intentions at first but physical hugging may lead to one or both of you getting more involved than what is acceptable in therapeutic relationship.....and that is not considered ethical for a T , at this time. You are very vulnerable right now as we all our in T/patient relationship...it is probably not a good idea to continue the " Hugging" to prevent it from going some place that could hurt you or further traumatize you....he may of on second thought realized that. Hope you can resolve this and feel better soon.

 

[Deleted member 40384]

Sasha. It can be hard to know someone else's feelings in this instance it is compounded by the fact...

Thanks Ragdoll. Yeah it's hard to accept that it's a therapeutic relationship and not a personal one, especially when he's been so involved in my life and willing to go above and beyond for me. When we were doing the holding thing, he brought up the concern that it would make me keep wanting more, or different types of touch. I didn't, and don't want that, and we talked about that - that the situation at the time was enough, and that I didn't have other feelings for him (romantic, sexual, etc) - and he got that. He wasn't worried about re-traumatizing me, and we talked about that. He was out of his own comfort zone. I keep wanting to find a way for him to change his mind, but it's just harming me.

 

[Lucycat]

The longing is intense and with the knowledge that I won't experience it again, I feel so much worse.

Do you have anyone else in your life that can give you a safe hug? To me that would seem more appropriate and would remove the boundaries created by the professional constraints. I entirely get why the therapist has decided this cannot continue. If the first hug had resolved an issue - great. But instead it appears the hugs have led to a greater longing for hugs and he can never meet that increasing need. Better for him to say so now - and I am glad that you are discussing this openly with him.

 

[joeylittle]

I keep wanting to find a way for him to change his mind, but it's just harming me.

This strikes me as being an important realization.

Do you think you can talk about this with him?

Be careful of mind-reading him. You said you could tell he was uncomfortable because he kept changing the subject...but you might want to just bring this up and ask him why he was changing the subject.

I'd also talk about the 'did I make you uncomfortable/no' text exchange. You need to be able to believe what he says, if you are to rebuild a therapeutic alliance. And while this might seem like a small example...it's not at all.

I'm curious - why did you want to show him the art thing? Personal reasons, or because it had relevance to your work in therapy?

 

[Casey_03]

I have a question and I really hope it doesn't come off as insensitive in any way ... (Forgive me, I am very ignorant of touch therapy and had no idea it was even a thing, so I hope this doesn't sound rude). But what do you get from T's hugs that you can't get from your boyfriend's hugs? (I seem to remember you mentioning you had a boyfriend in a different thread). Again, I'm not asking that to challenge you or be rude in any way. I'm just genuinely curious why it has to be your T doing the holding.

 

[Deleted member 40384]

Do you have anyone else in your life that can give you a safe hug? To me that would seem more appropriat...

I feel like I can get a safe hug from my partner, but it doesn't fill that same need. The longing for my T to hold me is more of a re-parenting type of situation.
I was feeling like my longing was decreasing the more times T held me - it was after he changed the boundary that the longing went back up again. I felt like I didn't have the time I needed to heal that aspect of the attachment. I can still work on my attachment difficulties without physical touch, but that was a component that was relevant to me and my healing. I can't know for sure, but I feel like I would have stopped feeling the longing to be held by him if I could have had the time and space to experience it - the longing would taper off naturally. At least that's how it was playing out for me.

 

[Deleted member 40384]

This strikes me as being an important realization.

Do you think you can talk about this with him?...

Yeah, I think I will talk to him about that realization. It will be difficult but I think it would be helpful. I do have a tendency to mind-read, and it would decrease my anxiety if I could believe that he says what he means.

I'm not sure if there was a clear reason I wanted him to see the art. It's on the wall opposite my bed - he knows I spend a lot of time in bed, feeling too depressed or demotivated to be engaged with the world - and the art is a nature scene that brings me some positive feelings, and reminds me that when I do get myself outdoors I feel better. I guess I also wanted him to come in because we were finished with our outing but he still had a few minutes before he had to leave, and I wanted to "milk it"... maybe that's selfish... I feel lonely a lot of the time but feel uncomfortable around most people. I was feeling more vulnerable than usual yesterday because of our session that day, too.

 

[Deleted member 40384]

I have a question and I really hope it doesn't come off as insensitive in any way ... (Forgive me, I a...

It's a really good question that I've asked myself a lot, and T has asked me too. My relationship with my partner has a different dynamic - it's more of a romantic companionship. My partner feels like a peer. My T is more of a parent figure to me, and he knows and understands my trauma. My partner knows most of my trauma, but he doesn't understand it - I don't expect him to. I feel like T sees my pain on a deeper level - he's the first person to really validate what I went through and that was hugely healing for me. Wanting physical touch from T might also have to do with his unavailability / from a scarcity standpoint. That's why I thought it might resolve over time when I was the one to pull away / after that need had been sufficiently met and worked through.