Taking On Persona Of Your Abuser

[Muzikluvr]

Like what? Have we not made suggestions? Did you expect a one-liner from someone that would end the thoughts and ease your fears?

Maybe you could be more specific. Who are you thinking of raping? How close are you to hurting someone? Are you impulsively acting out on any of your thoughts to hurt someone?

So where are you on this? Close to actually hurting someone, or driving yourself nuts believing you're just like your abuser?

 

[Awakening]

I've got no idea Muzikluvr, I don't even remember posting it.

 

[Abrasky]

The trauma that gave me PTSD involved my parents trying to destroy my career by threatening my life and yelling. I was abused too earlier.

Maybe ask your therapist. She would have the best idea. My therapist also understands that I have personalities, but I am stronger than them so present and have 'awareness' over them.

I found during a trauma and maybe a few weeks after personality shows up a lot after trauma in order to 'self soothe' the bad memories I think. For example feeling 'reminding myself of good memories of working with good people to soothe me' That personality feeling became damaged so the personalities came out of that. (Opposite extremely to the original feeling of 'good memories of soothing myself through work'

Also the personalites came out of my trauma of my dad yelling at me where I would swear "F Hell and go right of the deep end." I actually haven't gone into these states of swearing for a month now, so that has integrated" For two years, I was a sailor lol as these swearing personalites (my dad sweared during my trauma) processed out.

The worst it got was when I was processing my memories and for a brief moment while I was putting my year old son in his cot he was almost down I slammed him down. Luckily it was a mattress. This is totally opposite to my personality, I had never done this before. I have never ever done anything like this since. He didn't get hurt, I scared him, but it really scared me. The other personality of anger overcame me once. I have since processed it out, I am for 3 seconds a really bad parent, but for 3 years minus 3 seconds, mostly a really good one. So to answer your question, yes you can hurt people (in general) with dealing with trauma because it is stressful. I wouldn't know specifically with your topic area as mostly I have trouble with swearing.

It is best to ask your pschologist as she knows what you are capable of. I have issues a bit like this too, but it mostly comes from the pain of my mother abandoning me during my trauma. She chose my dad over me, and my brain just logically working out why. My psychologist said I would be a good mother that was my tick before I had children.

 

[quaintpapercut]

I've got no idea Muzikluvr, I don't even remember posting it.

This is NOT ok. You seriously need to speak to someone about this. To post that you feel like you have an urge to assault someone and then post that you have no recollection of such a post indicates that you are a serious threat to either yourself or others.

Sorry to anyone who feels I may be over reacting.

 

[Awakening]

Sorry, allow me to clarify. I remember posting this. I know all about these intrusive thoughts to rape, harm etc. So does my psychologist and my GP/psychotherapist. I've been deemed 'at risk' by my GP who spoke to my husband. But I'm not a risk to others. I have 2 young children in my care so no way would I risk their safety.

What I refer to not remember posting was the angry post i.e. "Anyone got anything to add that can actually help me. Christ". I don't remember it because I was probably half drunk at the time.

 

[Nicolette]

I don't remember it because I was probably half drunk at the time.

For the benefit of the community, it would be advisable not to post when half drunk please. Thank you.

You are actually contradicting yourself as in one post you are saying your don't remember and then you do.

 

[Awakening]

I'm referring to two different posts?

And yes absolutely Nicolette, I totally agree about not posting when intoxicated. I hate the thought of upsetting you or anyone here so hopefully your post will stop me. I need a breathalyser before posting.:eek:

 

[saffy]

Hi Awakening

All that I can think is that it is a way of reliving what happened. But seeing it as the part of the abuser you are wishing a different ending or you could be reliving it but do not want to relive it as the victim?

Really not sure what else to say. but it must be frightening. And thoughts like this are normally subconcious self improvement not a subconcious push for reality. Hope that makes sense :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Britt.f7]

My T, a long time ago, said this was very natural to do. The important part here is that you are aware of it and realize it is not healthy. Abusers usually do not see it that way. Somehow, for them, it is the victims fault or they don't care what they are doing is harmful.

Please continue to seek help in order to work your way through this. Acknowledging you have a problem is the first step in solving it.

I wish you peace from these thoughts.

 

[Philippa]

I think if you read over the suggestions people have taken the time to offer you, when you aren't intoxicated, you may find that there is at least something helpful you can take from this thread.

I got that you were referring to the post you made about wanting some actual help, and not referring to your OP.

I agree with Nicolette about making a rule of not coming here when you are drunk, and I know that you see that she is right about that also. It's not very nice to read that someone finds your input a waste of time and unhelpful when you've taken the time and energy to give it in the genuine hope that it will help. It did kinda upset me actually. I felt like my input had been trashed as valueless.

If I said something that actually wasn't helpful then I could understand it, but I think I made room to understand your situation and give reassurance that it is possible to have kids and not inflict your past on them, if you are conscious.

 

[Awakening]

Thanks for your honesty Philippa. I feel lousy to be confronted with this stuff but I'm glad you have all done so. I need to hear it. This is where I really do appreciate the forum because rather then 'hugs' or 'go gently' you guys are still challenging me. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings.

 

[Philippa]

And I appreciate that you are open to being challenged in this way. I accept your apology and it feels genuine to me.

It shows a willingness to grow beyond where you find yourself and to be held accountable...which I think is the most important thing when it comes to anything in life, but the fact that you are willing to be held accountable here proves that you are also willing to be held accountable in other areas of your life...including being a parent, if you ever do choose to become one.

Many many many parents aren't like that, so you can feel proud of yourself that you are different.