Taking On Persona Of Your Abuser

[Tanishq]

This post is coming from man.

I think I have been dominative some moments. Bit of intimidating. I have regretted those traits I picked up from abusers. I face many dominative men and women. I have hurt mean people who tried to hurt me. Now I think that is not me. Why should I bite a dog if dog bites me? It doesn't make sense. Biting back is not me.

I have seen some bad men and they all told me what will you do with women? What get you from talking with them? I had no answers those days. but I could pick up that women are weak. Something within kept telling women are lenient. They give birth to human being so I think they may be lenient. Some of them managed to tell me that women are useless. I used to avoid talking with women. But at times, I would find myself talking with neighbor aunty, teachers who were kind and good from deep down. once a woman made lunch for me while her son was away from her home. She cooked my favorite dish. Still I remember this aunty and uncle. Both were really nice. I miss them today.

I confess, I have tendency to get lost my mind and say anything that comes in my mind. I am in process to remove this all things which I picked from abusers.

I have done this when I got good people as my company. I would revert like this abusers, now it's your time to give me more. :(

Thanks for creating this thread, it's very necessary to observe those things we picked up from them, get to know its root and completely remove it out from our mind. I will remove it all.

 

[saffy]

Hi Jaret,

You are free to make your own judgement calls now. I believe that habitual bad behaviour can be changed and to grow it is needs for a person to be true to himself. As habits they can be withdrawn and dismissed and new positive habits will be replaced.

Some peoples thought processes are ingrained, kind of brainwashed into them them thinking it is normal behaviour, especially if it is seen as cultural or religious or socially accepted. Some people question this if they disagree with this way of thinking, they want to change and not behave in that way, unfortunately others do not and remain negative and abusive.

You have good qualities, morals and positive thoughts based on empathy and humanity not greed and resentment. You also go with your heart even though sometimes your conditioned thoughts try to stop you or tell you you are wrong.

Peace and happiness. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Tanishq]

Thank you Saffy for your insight and support. I appreciate it much. :)

I admire your listening. You're good human being and friendly.

 

[saffy]

Ditto Jaret :hug:

Saffy :)

 

[Britt.f7]

They give birth to human being so I think they may be lenient.

Jaret, the men you talk of sound like my father. His mother was pretty domineering so he vowed never to allow that to happen in his life, to the point of being abusive. He doesn't realize that he turned into his mother. He rules with an iron fist and believes that men are above women. I am second class. Because I kept my last name, I did not show respect to my husband, my father, or my brother. I was treated as a feminist, not good in my dad's eyes, simply because I did not believe in cowering to men. My parent's were divorced and I grew up with very strong, independent women around me. I know that, if I had a penis, he would no longer treat me as second class citizen. This is all very sad to me.

However, after I gave birth to my son, and I had my first alone time with him(he was in the neonatal care unit the first 24 hours). I looked at him and realized that God gave my body the ability to perform this miracle of birth, to make a little human. I never felt so strong as a woman. I can tell you at that moment I didn't feel second class. It was at that moment that I really realized my dad was wrong.

Jaret, I want to thank you, because on this forum, you don't come across as a condescending man. In 46 years I've dealt with enough of that. I really appreciate your opinion on this forum.

Have to say, I haven't noticed that condescending tone from any man(or woman) on this site. That is very refreshing.

 

[Tanishq]

His mother was pretty domineering so he vowed never to allow that to happen in his life, to the point of being abusive.

My dad's mother was very good mother. She gave him the food he needed despite living in poor state. He grew up with village. I take it as he grew up with nature, this is why he is still at peak for physical health. But he doesn't show proper respect towards his mother. He used to tell me his mother used to give him lots of work. He had to do it. He always did this. Never give anyone chance to be understood. He always interprets it in a wrong way and it will be quite fitting to him.

He even denies that his dad was good person. It's all about him and has been this way. I don't know, but he should not have done this all. I was very disgusted when I reckoned his true nature. He tells me to respect him as dad. I respected him, though he keeps demanding all the time. It seems he wants something else I can't fulfill. I stopped respecting him when I understood he never tried to give good understanding to his own parents and also not a chance, so he doesn't deserve my respect at all. he told me that his dad was merciless. In fact, his dad tried his best. My dad has never tried best to see me as happy kid. Shameful for him when he talks about justice.

It will be ok if he doesn't understand others, but it won't be ok if others don't understand him. Makes me angry sometimes.

yes, Britt. I can never stand being belittled by others. I know how that feels. My dad never heard or listened to me. I don't like domineering people. They bring no good to family or society. They can be very childish or very abusive.

I get fearful because I had dreams where I couldn't help anyone. Those were very bad dreams. I feared I wasn't good man there. I want to become good human being and I ask to god for support in this all.

Britt, I have one tendency. Sometimes I misunderstand people and that can hurt others. I am trying to see what I have picked up from this bad people. My mind is very sensitive, picks up anything very fast. I have to be careful about this.

You're welcome Britt. Anytime.

Yes, this place is good and I don't think any bad thing can happen. We sane people, staff and many other things. I do like this place very much. :)

You are good mother I see. Merciful and loving. Your son is lucky to have you and he has best friend in his life. :)

 

[Britt.f7]

My mind is very sensitive, picks up anything very fast

My mind is like this and so is my first born sons. I have tried my best to help him understand this in himself. Never be ashamed of that mind. Though it can harbor some really bad thoughts, it can also make you aware of things others miss. That, I believe, is a blessing.

As far as being a good mom, I am not so sure. He has had to deal with my mental and physical issues. They tell me that my boys are being taught to be compassionate. I hope this is true. I would like to see something good come out of all of this.

If there is ever anything I say that makes you question how it is meant, please do not hesitate to ask me to clarify.

Jaret, I'm glad you are here.

 

[saffy]

Britt, I have one tendency. Sometimes I misunderstand people and that can hurt others

Hi Jaret,
I think that I misunderstand people a lot. I think it is my lack of recognition for peoples motives and being naive to peoples motives, I like to think the best in people, . Because I have no trust in myself or my own decision making I cannot make a good judgement on the situation. I also think that I jump to conclusions based on negative self talk. Normally however, if I can not really understand someone it is because they are giving mixed messages. But gradually I am beginning to recognise that, make better decisions and stick to them.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Tanishq]

Though it can harbor some really bad thoughts, it can also make you aware of things others miss. That, I believe, is a blessing.

HI Britt,

This is very helpful to me. This is what happens to me. I will install next say,"I believe, is a blessing".

I am thankful to you and you're understanding my position. Made me feel good. :)

:hug:

 

[Tanishq]

Normally however, if I can not really understand someone it is because they are giving mixed messages. But gradually I am beginning to recognise that, make better decisions and stick to them.

Thank you for insights Saffy.

:)

You're very helpful person. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My sister took on the persona of my dad. She stomps around like he did. She talks like he did. And she hates him. She triggers me very bad. She has been abusive with her daughter and grandson. They lost the grandson for a year and she was court ordered to get counseling. She was told she could not go to the foster home to visit him. Now she has social workers who will visit her home and make sure they are doing things right. She is very domineering. She is a rageaholic and now she is dying. I have phone only contact with her.

 

[Britt.f7]

My sister took on the persona of my dad

My sister has both the persona of my dad and my mom. My dad was/is quite the authoritarian. His way or the highway. He instilled a great amount of fear in us. My sister said she would never be that way, and yet she is exactly the same way with her kids. Then she has my mother's rage. I have watched the fear in her kids. Very rarely does anyone stand up to her because of this, including myself and my other siblings. We choose not to fight with her because of how abusive she can be. I've only just started, in this last year, to try and counter it when she nasty to me. Every time I do, I brace myself for the backlash. So far it has been okay. It also appears that her husband is starting to get tired of it from some of the comments I have heard him make over the last year.

Family is way too complicated.