I have been having an internal battle with 'should I share' 'will people care'? Pretty sure some will be able to relate?
It was 2003 when I was diagnosed as having c.p.t.s.d. and b.p.d., i'd suffered a breakdown after having flashbacks (I didn't know what they were at the time, just that they scared the hell out of me) which were triggered by something that happened at work. I worked in a residential care home for elderly people, was assisting a male with washing/dressing when he tried to grab my wrists. Next thing I knew, I was in one of the toilets freaking out.
That was the beginning of what seemed like floodgates being opened up. I always knew I was different, I had a very traumatic childhood, due to physical and mental abuse from both parents, but I seemed to be getting by just fine. Then other memories started coming back, like being groomed by an adult who saw my vulnerability as an opportunity to pounce, my parents found out about the predator, but instead of having him investigated, they chose to blame me, I was called a 'slag' by my own parents (I was 13 or 14 at the time) and made to feel dirty, cheap and had brought shame on the family.
As I got a bit older, I used to babysit for a couple in a village not far from where my 'home' was, which meant staying over. At the beginning, it was brilliant, I loved it, as it meant not having to be at 'home'. I remember waking one night, to the father of the kids I looked after, sitting either on the bed, or by the bed, touching me. I threatened to scream if he didn't get out, which he finally did. I believe this is where the flashbacks stem from, as I struggle to remember certain things. I had been babysitting for this couple for quite some time before this happened too. I also did not tell a single person about what was going on, I couldn't. It didn't stop me feeling as though it was somehow my fault, and the feelings of being dirty and disgusting just stuck with me for years.
The last thing i'd like to talk about today, is when I was 16, I was on a Youth Training Scheme, on a lunch break one day, I decided to walk into town, it wasn't far from where I was working. I was walking along, minding my own business, when I was grabbed by my arm, and dragged up some steps. There I was indecently assaulted. Now, I still struggle to this day to understand 1) Why I didn't scream? 2) Why did I not try and fight him off? As with previous trauma, I did not tell a single person, I simply composed myself went back to work and carried on my day.
So that's part of my story, I struggle so much with trust, so this has been a huge step for me to take.
Thank you for having me, and for taking the time to read this..
It was 2003 when I was diagnosed as having c.p.t.s.d. and b.p.d., i'd suffered a breakdown after having flashbacks (I didn't know what they were at the time, just that they scared the hell out of me) which were triggered by something that happened at work. I worked in a residential care home for elderly people, was assisting a male with washing/dressing when he tried to grab my wrists. Next thing I knew, I was in one of the toilets freaking out.
That was the beginning of what seemed like floodgates being opened up. I always knew I was different, I had a very traumatic childhood, due to physical and mental abuse from both parents, but I seemed to be getting by just fine. Then other memories started coming back, like being groomed by an adult who saw my vulnerability as an opportunity to pounce, my parents found out about the predator, but instead of having him investigated, they chose to blame me, I was called a 'slag' by my own parents (I was 13 or 14 at the time) and made to feel dirty, cheap and had brought shame on the family.
As I got a bit older, I used to babysit for a couple in a village not far from where my 'home' was, which meant staying over. At the beginning, it was brilliant, I loved it, as it meant not having to be at 'home'. I remember waking one night, to the father of the kids I looked after, sitting either on the bed, or by the bed, touching me. I threatened to scream if he didn't get out, which he finally did. I believe this is where the flashbacks stem from, as I struggle to remember certain things. I had been babysitting for this couple for quite some time before this happened too. I also did not tell a single person about what was going on, I couldn't. It didn't stop me feeling as though it was somehow my fault, and the feelings of being dirty and disgusting just stuck with me for years.
The last thing i'd like to talk about today, is when I was 16, I was on a Youth Training Scheme, on a lunch break one day, I decided to walk into town, it wasn't far from where I was working. I was walking along, minding my own business, when I was grabbed by my arm, and dragged up some steps. There I was indecently assaulted. Now, I still struggle to this day to understand 1) Why I didn't scream? 2) Why did I not try and fight him off? As with previous trauma, I did not tell a single person, I simply composed myself went back to work and carried on my day.
So that's part of my story, I struggle so much with trust, so this has been a huge step for me to take.
Thank you for having me, and for taking the time to read this..
