Charbella
Sponsor
How can I tell the difference between processing memories and hiding them away? 20 years ago I know I hid them away. I know I put them in a box and attempted to send them to a black hole somewhere. Obviously that didn’t work and it’s not like I thought it did…I think. I had memories come up but for the most part it was like a book opened but once I saw what was on the page I quickly shut it, it didn’t immediately go away but the images didn’t come with it. The occasional flashback would happen but again it never ran beginning to end before I was able to pull my mind away from it. Then J died and I realized that I was merely building a dam, and I was a mighty beaver because it pretty much held, then a flood happened and I decided therapy or death.
so how do I now know the difference between memories being processed in some way versus my auto pilot reaction to shut it away? Am I actually doing the work or am I resorting to old habits? I’m truly not sure, but todays EMDR session scared me a bit, it was too easy. I know, how twisted is my brain to think that progress can only come in the form of a hard won, painful battle.
Its not just today either. For awhile now my EMDR sessions have been less in living color. Not that I’d say they’ve been easy…they haven’t. But the first 10 times or so it was as close to a flashback as possible, and for those who don’t know you play the memory a few times so it was overwhelming to say the least to have one, then willingly go back to the memory.
Now the intensity is determined by how adverse I am to her reactions to him, rather than the event itself. So I question is this progress or my brains way of attempting to close the doors? How do I know?
so how do I now know the difference between memories being processed in some way versus my auto pilot reaction to shut it away? Am I actually doing the work or am I resorting to old habits? I’m truly not sure, but todays EMDR session scared me a bit, it was too easy. I know, how twisted is my brain to think that progress can only come in the form of a hard won, painful battle.
Its not just today either. For awhile now my EMDR sessions have been less in living color. Not that I’d say they’ve been easy…they haven’t. But the first 10 times or so it was as close to a flashback as possible, and for those who don’t know you play the memory a few times so it was overwhelming to say the least to have one, then willingly go back to the memory.
Now the intensity is determined by how adverse I am to her reactions to him, rather than the event itself. So I question is this progress or my brains way of attempting to close the doors? How do I know?