The Importance Of Personal Boundaries.

[saffy]

I have been reading a lot of posts on here and we have had many discussions that mentioned the need for boundaries.

I read this today from Dead Link Removed; I read a lot of the stuff on this blog site. gives you some really good tips and advice. It has helped me on my journey. I thought I would share it.

If your boundaries keep certain people out or steer you clear of certain situations, that's OK; they're *supposed* to.
I think this is very true.

I also keep this site to hand for reminders and guidance. [DLMURL]http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/the-importance-of-personal-boundaries/[/DLMURL]

It is a really good article.

I am wondering how many people really set good boundaries, I know I don't, didn't even know anything about what bounderies were until recently. Setting myself some has really helped in a lot of situations.

Has anyone else found they do too and what boundary did you set? :)

Mine was I do not need to explain myself every time and I will not allow you to talk to me with disrespect.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[p-no]

Saffy, I love Natalie Lue. She did me a world of good and with the help of her version of NC I got out of my last relationship. Still strictly adhering to it!

As for boundaries: quite a few. Here's one.

I will not allow anyone to touch me in a way that I do not like or want to be touched.

Also, Anne Katherine has helped me understand what boundaries are, especially this book: "Boundaries - Where You End And I Begin". And the second one, too: "Where To Draw The Line".

 

[Sues]

Great thread. I hadn't thought about this much. I have boundaries that are in place that I did automatically and I didn't even think about it. I like the links too, thanks.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Great thread. It would be wonderful if everyone knew about boundaries. I have bottom line behaviors and boundaries.

1. I have the right to be respected for voicing my opinion. I do not allow others to disrespect me and I cut off contact with those who do not see or hear me. I do not waste my time and energy on circular arguments that go now where and anger only escalated.

2. I have the right to be talked to in a respectful manner. I do not tolerate sarcasm or cruel comments, I will say something and set a limit on that.

3. I try to remember that everyone is different and some do not know about boundaries. I try to steer clear of these types of people.

4. I have my limits. I can say no to all that is not good for me. I can say yes to what is good for me.

5. I am trying to have a live and let live philosophy. I am learning about this.

6. I have the right to not take things personally. I have the right to not take on board other peoples issues.

7. I have the right to be close to people who are safe for me to be around.

 

[BigBear]

I will not allow you to talk to me with disrespect.

I especially like this one! It's an excellent boundary...

I will not allow anyone to touch me in a way that I do not like or want to be touched.

Another excellent boundary!

I have the right to not take on board other peoples issues.

This is really good, too.

Of course, Your boundaries have to work for you, and whether I like them or not is largely irrelevant...

Bear

 

[Red Feather]

I made a video art piece about exactly this issue. There was a time when I had no boundaries what so ever. I really had no clue where I ended and the other (i.e. my ex) began. It was such a new concept to me. Since then I think I have more and more boundaries, unless I am really badly triggered... than my only boundaries are the walls of my apartment.

I am telling my mother to stop yelling at me. I think that is a boundary.

One good one I heard is: No is a complete sentence.

 

[p-no]

I have the right to not take on board other peoples issues.

Really like this one, too, gizmo. Couldn't have been said any better, IMHO. Thanks!

 

[DharmaGirl]

Love all of them, gizmo, I'm glad you are on this board.

 

[Sues]

What Monster1977 said!!!!!

 

[saffy]

Also, Anne Katherine has helped me understand what boundaries are, especially this book: "Boundaries - Where You End And I Begin". And the second one, too: "Where To Draw The Line".

Thanks Prime-no Ill check them out :)

I am telling my mother to stop yelling at me. I think that is a boundary.

Hi Nadia, It is yes, dont forget to tell her how it makes you feel when she yells also :)

Some really good boundaries Gizmo, hope you do not mind I have chosen a few for myself :)

When reading the psychcentral link in my first post it also mentioned the need to assert your new boundaries. So I have shared another link I go back to to read from time to time for inspiration.
http://www.stevenaitchison.co.uk/blog/how-to-be-assertive/

Knowing I have rights to be equal and I can set and live by my own boundaries really makes me feel like a stronger more calmer person. :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[rightkindofme]

I have spent the last few years slowly winnowing away my friends group. If someone makes me feel bad I don't talk to them any more. I try a few times to explain my issues--I don't just drop people over night. I spent about six months trying to get a friend to stop being sexist in my direction, "Wow. You've gotten really sophisticated. I'm surprised you can understand what a virtual machine is--you didn't know when I first met you."

Obviously the fact that I had never heard of the same things as someone who had a Masters in Computer Science had meant I was stupid. These little digs were constant. I stopped spending time around him.

I feel like the primary way I have boundaries is to be agoraphobic. And I don't answer the phone much. My life is kind of ridiculous.

When I leave the house alone I am still unconsciously hunting for sexual partners because I believe I have to be available for sex at all times. I am having a ridiculously hard time with that boundary.

I feel really pathetic that I can figure out how to tell people not to insult me but I can't figure out how to say no to sex. Being compulsively sexual is really weird. I mean, I am saying no. But I shake and tremble and can barely speak and I look like I am suddenly spastic. It is ridiculously hard to say I won't have sex with someone.

This would be less of an issue if I hadn't met *all* of my friends through the bdsm or polyamorous communities.

 

[BigBear]

dont forget to tell her how it makes you feel when she yells also

I guess I'd be tempted to add that a boundary is not complete without a consequence. "Mom, if you don't stop yelling I must hang up / leave / not come here any more." But that might be over the top to.

I'm no expert!

Bear