The mistakes we make with boundaries

[Tinyflame]

I find it most disheartening when I address the physical (sexual) boundary issue, even enroll help, and it's still not respected and a) I either can't leave (work) or b) it means leaving my own places (when it's not work-related). I find it disheartening, stressful, hope-altering, exhausting and sometimes frightening.

However, I've also come to see there's more to be happy about, or divert my attention away from focusing on it.

 

[The Albatross]

Cloud & Townsend (Henry & John???) have like 20+ books on this topic. They're good.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks @The Albatross .

 

[The Albatross]

@Tinyflame I started with Safe People

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @The Albatross , practically speaking but I even like the title! :)

How much grief and shame and avoidance I've allowed it to dictate in my life! Really leads me to feel confused, hopeless, frightened, and afterwards depressed. I take on a lot of probably what it isn't my responsibility to own.

 

[The Albatross]

Yeah it's good. Their books have a bit of a Christian flavor... but it's easy to overlook considering the value of the information if need be.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well that's good @The Albatross , but for me (just me personally) I'd rather include. Since trying to be understanding, empathetic or forgiving doesn't still give ways to address the core issues (my own issues). Which is why it isn't about the other person, really.

Thank you. :hug:

ETA unrelated, I just realized a day or 2 ago, because I've literally met or got to know 1000's because of my work, well I noticed how once in a blue moon, there would be a couple, and the man would look/ react quite gruffly, and be obviously protective of his spouse (not an issue based on the spouse's cognitive abilities), and the spouse would just be so sweet. There has been one lady over the last few years- I just gravitate to her (mentally, her smile and wave makes the whole moment better, and she seemed to do the same/ vice versa), she makes 'me' feel safe, she is so gentle. But I just realized, we are a lot alike. And now that I've gotten to know the spouse, or perhaps rather he's gotten to know me?- he is sweet to me.

I do think, much as many times I'd wish it isn't so, there is a degree of personality-based-gentleness +/or sensitivity that is inherent and doesn't make it any easier to be assertive, nor competitive, nor some other things (My mom said after a sister's friend died of suicide, 'he was too sensitive for this world'.). And of course you have to, but it really goes against a person's nature sometimes to have to, irrespective of what they've learned, or intertwined. JMHO though. Like above, I think the spouse is the same as her, but he has more ease and she is not inclined, and it's my guess his protectiveness is knowing her nature well. And of course he's not really gruff, just expecting others to be (to be more gruff than she is- and of course he is right/ accurate, because almost always that's the case).

 

[Shervin]

I'd rather include. Since trying to be understanding, empathetic or forgiving doesn't still give ways to address the core issues (my own issues). Which is why it isn't about the other person, really.

Good point. And interesting notes about the pair you talk to, I agree that often the things we're discussing here depend on many factors, they aren't black & white that only apply based on simple criteria. People are very complicated and so are our behaviours!

(Boundaries) are about what I do when others behave as they do and their behaviour is unacceptable to me in some way.

Thanks @berlinda for starting this thread, I didn't realise this until reading your post just now! I've been hearing a lot about how important boundaries are in C-PTSD are, and I've become aware that I have almost absolutely zero boundaries for myself, but now that I've been trying to create boundaries, I was thinking purely in terms of what boundaries I should start placing to stop others. I think this is the first step, and definitely something new for me, but like you said, the most important part is what I do when someone crosses these boundaries I'll be creating. I hadn't thought about it that boundaries are about me, not about others. Thanks!

 

[7lonewolf7]

Dunno where this goes. Feel free to move.

So I only discovered a few years ago a core mistake I made re boundaries. Thanks to someone here actually (@Friday )

The mistake is in thinking that having good boundaries means others respect your wishes. Or to look at it another way, you get to control others with your boundaries. Not such a pleasant realisation.

And of course that's not what boundaries are about at all. They are about what I do when others behave as they do and their behaviour is unacceptable to me in some way. Eg walk away, don't see them again or what have you.

Well I've noticed plenty of others here make the same mistakes I do, and I was pondering why some of us make those mistakes and some don't.

Maybe it's growing up with healthy boundaries modelled? Is there anything else involved? Is it more common to make this mistake in those of us with C-PTSD?

Yeah and what specifically might be behind getting this wrong if anything?

I'm currently struggling with this too. I'm discovering there are new fears and anxieties I have in me that are making really hard to feel safe around people I consider friends. I'm having to relearn how to express my boundaries because I never had the chance as a kid; growing up in a dictatorial household made it very difficult.
I just recently had to explain to one of my closest friends that I don't like knowing about other people's lives that don't relate to me (pretty much I dont like gossiping about people I dont know). It was uncomfortable but I had to have the conversation cause it made me disassociate where I was feeling chest pains. And now, I'm having to figure out how to establish boundaries with this coworker who's interested in me. I'm interested in them too but my ptsd is pretty severe so I'm terrified about opening up about that to him. That in itself is making me pull away from him but he also does things that make me uncomfortable so I have to pull away for my own wellbeing/boundaries. It's a constant battle

 

[Mach123]

Being submissive moves them back and invites more dominant people who tend to be tops and more predatory or maybe opportunistic forward.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Ok, pat...pat...pat myself on the back...I set a boundary........
What happened: I go into a coffee shop with my cousin, for danishes and coffee. We stand in front of the case with the puff pillows (a favorite) oh my Gosh, they are so wonderful to eat! Happy, calm, and looking forward to a puff pillow...that's the life, yes...??

This guy standing to my right, just got coffee and chimed in about the pastries. He put his left hand squarely on my right shoulder, and left it there like he was my buddy....and I stepped left and he stepped left, and I leaned left farther till he couldn't reach.....he removed his hand. That felt creepy. He started talking about the pastries somemore and I stepped back while he talked. It was all chit chat about how good the pastries are, how wonderful the place was.....chit chat. He's a chatter-bug and maybe just overly friendly. My cousin and I decided what to get to drink in the way of coffee, and stepped up to the counter to order, and get our pastries too. I said to my cousin, "I had put on my painting shorts, and should have changed before we went out.".....and I turned towards her and pointed to the multi-colored paint spots on my shorts. Creepy man bends over, touches my shorts on my upper thigh, pointing to a spot on my shorts, and says....you have a spot there.....now maybe his hand is 5 inches away from Ms. Vajajay......way too close for some stranger.......oh...ick......disgusting.......

Then suddently, I stopped, turned and faced him, put my arm out hand up (like a stop sign) and say right in public. STOP TOUCHING ME- ( I didn't use any superlatives thank goodness) and he scooted over and put his head down and said he wouldn't speak to me. I know everyone in the coffee shop could hear me, but my cousin said I didn't yell. The fog began to come.... My cousin's eyes were bugged out though....and she shut up too till we got our goodies....the place was silent. We left quickly. My first duty was to apologize to my cousin for making a scene, but she didn't seem to care. She said he was inappropriate. Didn't ruin her day, and I set the boundary. The fog cleared pretty quickly.....You know, that took a couple of days to get past- but it felt right to speak up instead of stay quiet....and take it. He didn't belong with his hands on me. This sounds like a dumb story....like writing it shows how naiive I am but boundaries were not taught in my home......my brother knew no boundaries.

 

[Teasel]

Well done @TruthSeeker ???