The mistakes we make with boundaries

[Teasel]

I'm interested in what all this has to do with the energy we give off too. With some people it doesn't matter what you do if they have the intention to cross your boundaries and don't care what you think about it. But most people are pretty reasonable. And I've the idea rightly or wrongly that the - don't know how to phrase it - the energy you are giving off? Or something about how you feel about yourself- they pick it up, and that affects how they respond to you.

So at the moment I've just started a very brief course of Equine therapy. Had the first session last week. And am very interested in learning about what energy I give off, and am under the impression the horses react quite sensitively to that.

So in the first session, I was very uncomfortable with what the therapist asked us to do. So I didn't do it. I went and sat down instead. And the biggest horse decided to walk from the other end of the field right up to me and we looked into each others eyes. It was wonderful.

Whereas the other people on the course, were trying quite hard to approach and connect with the horses... be interesting to see what happens in the rest of the course.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Gonna try answering bit by bit cause my brain just can't hold it all in my head at one time :D



Very often the case for me too I think. It seems like often times, in others company, I'm not fully present, so oftentimes I can't even understand fully what has happened until later when I'm alone and more me again. Is that what you mean?



Me too for sure, frustrating not being sure of my perceptions.



Oh yes agreed, is only one option and not always practical or possible.



Yeah, I've found it a useful new skill for me! In some situations it's all I needed to do.

And like I say, I used to have the mistaken idea about boundaries and thinking others get to define my reality. And so it felt extremely important to have others see things from my perspective.

I really didn't know it was even an option to just let it go or walk away or not care what others think or be ok with them thinking something bad about me.

Or in the case of Mr, being downright emotionally abusive and insistent that it was me who was the problem. Like the way I used to be, I would turn myself inside out trying to figure out how to get through to him that his behaviour hurt me, and have him see things from my perspective.

But I think he cured me of wanting to do that anymore :D

So I walk away.



Yeah absolutely. I don't know if I'm right about this but I think if someone can't or won't hear your side of things, then telling them your boundaries is not gonna work. I mean I think the majority of people, if you tell them when you did this or that, it hurt me, will at least hear you even if they don't agree with you.

But for Mr and my brother, they tended to either ridicule or argue into exhaustion or some other not particularly reasonable response. And with my brother, walking away is enough. With Mr, he's mostly only extremely unreasonable when he's drunk, so there's no talking to be done with him at least till the next day.

So I don't know, when I'm talking about setting a boundary with either of them, it's not like setting a boundary with most people heh.



Sounds very good, understand it's difficult though if you can only do it when you're at your limit. I'd like to learn how to manage my reactions a lot better too.



Yeah, good and not good.

Don't really know your situation. But I know for me, that having been useless at boundaries effectively meant I kept putting up with them being crossed.




All sorts of things I suppose, am still learning after all, and am still living in the same house as Mr.

I generally nowadays walk away as soon as I know he's drunk and or being aggressive. And often send him a brief text the next day. Sometimes I'll just ask if he's going to be drunk when he gets home. Occasionally it's a really angry text. And the goal is to leave, for good - working on it.

Learning to set boundaries and keep to them with other more reasonable people might be a whole new learning thing I'm not sure. Though I think my new way of seeing things is already changing how I am with others too.

Feels a bit insecure making writing all that but hey :shy:

Being in a house, with someone you know you are going to leave...is hard, it was for me. It's a job trying to be civil to stay safe, when my feelings didn't agree with being nice at all....it takes a lot of effort to maintain in your situation. It will improve, and way to go for making a tough decision.

 

[Rani G2]

....I might of off-Topic here...
In the Field of boundary setting I try to understand (Trying...not always successful) that there are boundaries made depending on the social/environmental/situational/emotional context. What are the consequences? What is the realationship? If I take a position and set a boundary this also could have a negative impact depending on the situation. A few months ago I was asked to help out someone, I said NO, as I am sick. This persons statement was that she helped me and I am not willing (Or not putting enough effort to get well soon so that I can help) I said that this is definitely not the case as my health will not improve during the next few Days. The discussion was then about „How Do you know it doesn’t get better ? You are not optimistic ect“. For me these statements don’t have relevance, it’s illogical, and more about trying to enforce moral conflict. Again, I felt the comment I made was clear based on logic, I might have to learn to be more kind while communicating. This was based on facts, what is there to be sorry about? Shall I say I am sorry, which I also did, and I do understand that she is under a lot of pressure and stress.

My husband says I mostly firm when it comes to boundary setting but I lack empathy, which he always points out and makes me think about.. not always easy.
I have had situations where I was emotionally unattuned, and was more about putting my goals first, what I can do is analyze or I try to understand what the consequences are when I disrespect boundaries of mine and others.

 

[Rani G2]

interested in what all this has to do with the energy we give off too. With some people it doesn't matter what you do if they have the intention to cross your boundaries and don't care what you think about it.

@berlinda I understand if you dont feel like answering, also because I mentioned NPD. I'm tryingvto sort out and identify.. can you (If you wabt to) Explain this further?

 

[Teasel]

Sure, I think I'm saying that the energy you give off can effect the way people react to you, but not always.

So for example if you give off an energy of being strong, it might make it less likely for someone to bother you but not everyone and not always. If someone had the intention to rob you for example, you giving off an energy of being strong might have no impact on their desire to rob you.

Does that make it any clearer?

 

[Rani G2]

Yes I do @berlinda. Thanks

I think I‘m trying to comprehend how non-verbal communication made me gravitate towards others or not. Or what mirroring patterns mean. And yes, If there is an attack, there is one, it doesn’t matter which signals I am sending out, or the collective.

I have /had a tendency to look people very long in the eye (Not in a freakish way, atleast I hope not.. not sure)There is a good amount of readability I feel when I need to get an impression.

 

[Teasel]

I think I‘m trying to comprehend how non-verbal communication made me gravitate towards others or not.

Yes me too, I'm really interested in learning more about this. Fascinating stuff!

Or what mirroring patterns mean.

Is that the way we mirror someone's body language? So for eg when the horse came over to see me, and looked in my eyes, when he blinked, I blinked back. That sort of thing?

I have /had a tendency to look people very long in the eye (Not in a freakish way, atleast I hope not.. not sure)

Me too :D I've realised I look directly into people's eyes more than they do. And sometimes if I realise they are looking away a lot, I make sure to break my gaze more often.

 

[Rani G2]

And sometimes if I realise they are looking away a lot, I make sure to break my gaze more often.

Ah...think I get it @berlinda. I used to peep in, in order to get an idea, in which ways he/she is influenceable, which weaknesses/strengths are there?A certain style of avoidence during eye contact, or if the person is being persistent or not. This is hard to Do in Groups ofcours, but Groups I avoid like hell...;-)

That sort of thing?

I don’t think I know much, but maybe an emotional aspect which is being addressed there, how much of my own self is being reflected from the other... facets that I prefer to suppress are being represented from the other which is maybe not always easy to deal with. What do you think?

 

[Teasel]

I'm not sure I know to much about it either @PURUSHA I guess it's kind of impossible to know for sure what is going on in another's mind or what is behind their body language?

 

[Rani G2]

@berlinda
Probably not .. Maybe its more about the ability of finding out, and collective unconsciousness...
Still learning....

 

[DharmaGirl]

Are you talking about mirror neurons, @Purisha? I find that fascinating. I understand the concept, but I don't think I could explain it. It explains what is happening when you meet someone you think you've met before, and have feelings of friendship but haven't met them. Weird.

 

[Rani G2]

Yes, @DharmaGirl...but I cannot define properly... there is a Jungle of explainations/theories and this whole attachment parenting and mirroring... I need a good machete to cut off the less understandable and get the essence out of it.

happening when you meet someone you think you've met before, and have feelings of friendship but haven't met them. Weird.

I don’t know...maybe it’s more like every human‘s world of experience has been passed over, so there is an ability to connect on many levels (Not always) Is that what you mean?