Therapist Insisting My Abusive Parents Love Me

[Abstract]

Its a very difficult process to start acknowledging and realising that things aren't normal and that you are allowed to think of them in your own way and not the way you have been trained to think of them. Usually parents doing these things are clever at manipulating the situation to guarantee silence and distortion of reality. And they train the child into feeling responsible for them and their feelings. That's why you are concerned about them when considering moving away. All the reactions you discuss are a common result of the experiences you have had.

Well done for discussing it here.

 

[Panda Bear]

Hmmm....um....no.

Forgiveness is a fantastic and amazingly feeeing process, BUT it in no way means that the abuser is ever allowed(or should be allowed) back into our lives. I have forgiven my abusers, but there isn't a relationship until they repent and ask me to forgive them.

T is adamant that my mom never re-enter my life.

If he told me to forgive and then let her come back? I'd punch him....

 

[Deleted member 37343]

I'm not sure if I'm thinking correctly or clearly.. but my mother reminded me that since I live under her roof, I should give her information such as where I am and all that stuff. So until I'm able to support myself and out of her place, she won't listen to me and my word means nothing to her.. I'm not sure if she's correct or not. In a way I get that it's her house so I should respect her rules and all that, but someone else told me that although that's true, she's crossing a line.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm not sure if she's correct or not. In a way I get that it's her house so I should respect her rules and all that, but someone else told me that although that's true, she's crossing a line.

Parent can require really unhealthy things in exchange for free housing. What she requires is for you to enable her ability to stalk you. That's wrong. It is crossing a line. And you are right that the chances of you changing her are slim to none. The reality is, it's not even really about you. It's about her trying to control you instead of facing her own stuff and anxiety in a healthier way.

That's why it's a good idea to look for a healthier place to live and I hope you are continuing to consider connecting with your friend's family about the place they offered you.

I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this. Your thinking is clear. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 37343]

Parent can require really unhealthy things in exchange for free housing. What she requires is for yo...

It's so hard to tell if I'm thinking clearly or not. I feel like I'm having a mental battle with racing thoughts and I feel kind of bad right now.. this morning my mom is threatening to tell my clients to not let me work for them which means I'm even farther away from being able to move in with my friend because I wouldn't be able to afford stuff. I don't know. I feel stuck.

 

[Deleted member 37343]

I feel like I'm not prepared because my parents never taught me stuff. I did do my own research but I can't remember it all and I'm worried I'm going to try and live alone then fail and won't be able to. I also feel like when things get pretty bad and I can't seem to find a way out, I'd just kill myself. I don't want to and I know it's "the easy way out" but I feel like that's what I would do. I wouldn't know what to do and the stress would kill me. I'm already feeling really stressed and it's like my mom is the cat and I'm the mouse. I feel like as an 18 year old I should at least know how all that stuff works and be more independent, and I try to be, but there's such little wiggle room. My friend, who is 17 is more independent than me and I bet both her and her family look at me as if I'm not well off.

 

[Deleted member 37343]

Forgot to add, she's also saying stuff like, "What if something happens to you? One of those people turn out to be crazy or a murderer, then what? No one will be there for you. If you give me the information then I can tell the police to find you." which I know is also true.. these people aren't complete strangers and they're all connected to each other through other people, but at the same time I guess it's also possible that if something happens, the only one who knows where I'd be would be my friend and I don't want to put the whole burden on her. I don't know.. sorry I know I'm spamming now.

 

[Justmehere]

When I thought about moving into my friend's house and later on to another state for college, I had many of the same worries. I felt unprepared for adulthood and life away from my own manipulative abusive family. It turns out that pretty much no one is as prepared as they want to be, and yet people rise up to the occasion. I think you may surprise yourself.

The thoughts like "I'm not good enough" - those belong to your mother, not you. You are very understandably internalizing her messages. She is engaged in trying to gaslight you. That naturally makes one doubt themselves. That's really terrible and wrong. It's very clear from here that this is an awful living situation just based on its horrible impact on you.

There are many things you could do to protect her from contacting your clients and etc.

No healthy parent would try to sink the job of their child for any reason at all. That's wrong. Terrible. No therapist should support parents who are doing that. If your therapist knows your mother is making those threats in clear and very specific terms to tank your employment and your therapists continues to refuse to help you build up a life of your own, then it's time to fire your therapist.

The developmental task of your age is to seperate from parents. Not to have even your employment sabatiged by them so you have to stay with them.

I think the first step is to be as brutally honest as possible and very direct about the present living situation and your goals and to ask your therapist, "how can you help me be able to live independently?" Own that goal of yours and see if she can help you get to a point where you can live a life where you control your own finances and etc.

If she can't help, then the next step is to find a therapist who can.

Moving and finances and all the rest can be worked out over time. First step is to find someone who can help you develop the skills you need for life long success.

It's clearly not your parents.

 

[Justmehere]

I want to also point out that you have done so many very skilled adult things that many people do not have the courage or the wisdom to do until they are well into their 50's if at all.

Getting a therapist, building a job with clients that you have been working for, getting and assessment, beginning to undo the impact of an unhealthy family, reaching out to others, having a bit of a support system --- the skills you have to do all of this will carry you very far in life.

You are dealing with so much, and if you can, I want you to remember the good things you are accomplishing in the middle of crap circumstances.

You are doing so much that is good. Don't loose sight of that. No matter what anyone else says.

You rock.

 

[Anarchy]

Following on from JMH,
The "humanistic" tradition in psychotherapy, which would include transactional analysis within it

Seeks to enable people to develop their individual abilities and responsibilities as adults

If you do need a fresh therapist, that's one direction you could look into.

Good luck!
@

 

[Anarchy]

I want to also point out that you have done so many very skilled adult things that many people do no...

Seconded! From someone who's getting there in their fifties

 

[Deleted member 37343]

Thanks. I don't know, I'm still sort of questioning things. She also has cancer and told me I'm causing her stress which will kill her because it will aggravate the cancer. I told her that stress doesn't help anyone or anything, someone could be completely healthy and the stress will cause health complications. I know she's using that to try and make me feel bad, but I'm stuck between wondering if I should feel bad or not. I'm not leaning toward one side, just thinking about it. I also didn't get much sleep because my parents were fighting about me again and I was working on schedules and such for my clients.. I know my exhaustion doesn't help my thinking. But thank you both for sticking around and talking me through this, I really appreciate an outside point of view. I know I'm pretty hard headed and I don't always do what others suggest, but I still digest them. I'm just more cautious about it I guess.