Therapist of 8 years takes 3 weeks leave to grieve death in the family.

[Friday]

I cam here to ask this.

Are you a therapist? Do you demonstrate the same level of judgment to your clients that you showed OP?

This is judgemental.

And a good therapist will explore the feelings and what drove those reactions, and a good therapist will welcome the honest expression of feelings as it would be rich material to work with. Which is what the OP was asking about and what responses were about.

Mod Note

Rather than questioning any member’s right to post their own opinion, to the question of if the OP is being rational (when the OP, themselves, both asked that question & has come to the same opinion that no, they are not being rational, both in this thread and the accompanying one Therapist attachment ); &/or their word choices, &/or motivations in explaining how common it is for clients to feel exactly as the OP expressed when first posting…

…Back on target, people.

 

[Megan N]

Thank you. This is a different perspective for me. It was an elderly father in law. So not spouse or child. I am a teacher. And I know when I lose a parent I will have almost no time off. I get 3 bereaved days a year. I know people take longer leave for spouses and children. In my mind they’re not the same.

I’ve run up against an issue with my therapist of 8 years. She has been incredible and I think I’ve come really far. But I am very disorganized in my attachment with her and I don’t do well when she cancels last minute. I’m an adult and understand situations warrant it. But she cancels more than most therapists I believe. We’ve worked on it consistently over the years.

She gives me advance notice when she’s taking time off, usually.

In late October she had a death in the family that was expected. She didn’t know exactly when it would happen, but when it did, she took three weeks off. I don’t think that was her original plan. But that’s what she said she needed. I did okay coping with that but had a triggering event happen right toward the end of her leave. I met with her and it was somewhat helpful but I was almost in crisis and just couldn’t regulate well. She told me to be in touch and be honest. So that week when she checked in I was honest that I was having a really hard time. And she said since she wasn’t at capacity it might be necessary that I meet with someone else for a while, especially because she was going to go away again in a week. Which I had no knowledge of.

That put up a wall and made me really angry.

I don’t know if I’m being irrational because I can be in this relationship (and really only this relationship).

One issue I have is that I don’t feel like it’s “real life” that life gets to stop for three weeks in order to grieve. Most of us get a few days and we have to be at work or taking care or responsibilities. It feels like a bit of a credibility issue. Like you’re going to help me learn to grieve when you get to stop the world to do it and I have to work and parent do life at the same speed while grieving. (I also had a major loss in the fall).

In hindsight I feel also that leaving for three weeks with no plan in place and no back up feels like abandonment.

She explained that she’s human and needed to heal to be good for her clients otherwise she knew she wouldn’t be able to help them.

My feelings on this are all over the map. What would you do/say?

I know I can switch therapists but I’m so invested in our work and really don’t want to do that. I want to deal with this rupture in a clear headed way that isn’t driven by anxiously attached parts of me.

Mental health professional here. Because it is not a reciprocal relationship, you likely do not know all of the details of therapist's circumstance and need to trust that she is doing what she feels is best for herself. As mental health professionals, it is crucial that we monitor our own mental health to ensure that we are in a place where we can provide competent and quality care for others. If she feels that she needs 3 weeks off of work for bereavement, that's her decision to make - not yours. I understand that it's upsetting to not have this support available when you need it and ideally there would be a plan in place, but unexpected things can happen in anyone's life. And this can be especially challenging to navigate if she is an independent practitioner. If you felt that you needed more therapeutic support than she could provide at that time, then yes a referral to another provider is totally appropriate. If continuing to work with her, this is a good discussion to have re: boundaries of the therapeutic relationship and perhaps even attachment.

 

[Abstract]

I know I can switch therapists but I’m so I want to deal with this rupture in a clear headed way that isn’t driven by anxiously attached parts of me.

Hi! This sounds like the crux of the matter. What do you think this is entangled with and bringing up for you? About yourself? Or relationships? Or other situations in your past.

It sounds really challenging in many ways. It might be an opportunity to explore a different aspect of your relationship with her and your coping strategies.

Personally I would find it difficult. I would also SO very not want my therapist to bring her stuff into therapy so very much would rather they have the break for as long as they need. Absolutely have had thoroughly shitty therapy in the past from inexperienced or overwhelmed therapists. Don't and won't do that again. It's actually mature of her to know she can't be there for her clients in a way that is reliable. And you do care about her and want her to be OK. But that doesn't mean it won't be hard for you.

Can you look at it as an opportunity to gather material and insight for when you see her again?

 

[NightSky]

This is a pretty old post that has resurfaced so I’m here to give an update. I’m grateful for the thoughtful responses people gave me on here. She came back from her leave and immediately went away again for a vacation and I lost it in her office. It became a pretty big rupture mostly over text in which she was reactive, I was angry and hurt and then we talked it out in session. I was able to identify the parts of me that react very strongly to perceived abandonment (which is a small fraction of me because I tend toward avoidant) but at the time of her leave there was a part activated that had what felt like no one else and nowhere else to go, so it felt very exposed and abandoned and angry that there was no backup plan. Once we identified that part we worked directly on that for quite a while. Which is great because then she had a medical emergency and was out for three months. And I had no issue with it. I learned how to care for the part of me that I hadn’t before. And that helped me through the three month break.
So it uncovered something that needed to be dealt with and we did and we’re much better for it. So thank you for the varied perspectives. Especially those who were compassionate and non judgmental because it really sucks to know you’re having an out of proportion reaction, looking for help balancing it, and then being told you’re having an over reaction.