General Things To Know When Dealing With PTSD (As a Carer)

[Dallas]

I would just give him time to think things over. Meanwhile, keep improving your own life and focus on that. Maybe in a couple weeks, write him a brief letter and send it in the mail. Nothing heavy, don't mention "the relationship". Keep it upbeat about all the fabulous things you've been working on. It's a win/win situation! You can't lose when you keep that attitude.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[scorpio2012]

Well, I walked away from this earlier, then after realizing what he really was suffering with, I tried to reconcile and I'm thinking he's probably done. I did the emails, letters... when I went to go see him he refused to see me. I texted him a few days before going over and he said he was confused and didn't know if he wanted to see me. That was not a firm 'yes' or a firm 'no" - when he refused to see me, we texted and chatted briefly, I asked why he wasn't making the time just to see me for a few minutes and he responded that he couldn't wholeheartedly believe that I was only out to see him and that other things were a priority and he was an afterthought. I didn't know what to make of it. Then he abruptly said he wanted to remember the good times between us, and that he was done. It all happened so quick, like in minutes. There were no nice things said to each other. He just said he didn't want to see me get hurt. OH well.....

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

............................ I sometimes feel guilty for doing or saying things that end up triggering a flashback or anxiety attack but I am continuing to remind myself that it is not my responsibility, nor is it within my capability, to cure my husband's post-traumatic stress.

10. Social situations can be extremely difficult and so can making plans to spend time with other friends/groups. Fortunately, most of our close friends and family are aware of his PTSD and are very understanding. It can be difficult as a spouse to not feel the need to constantly excuse erratic or anti-social behavior and it can be disappointing and isolating to have to cancel plans when he has a flashback ten minutes before you were supposed to leave for a party or dinner or other event.

Hi elizabeth

The feeling guilty about triggering is a bummer and the years I've found it happens less often. It is a natural response though coz we don't want to hurt our loved one and when they begin to understand that is the case it's easier for both to cope with it an move on. (If that makes sense.)

As for the socialising that's so hard and exhausting for my hubby, even just seeing the family who he loves.

Just sharing with you.
LhS :hug:

 

[Dallas]

@ Scorpio:
Then I would just give him three or four weeks alone...then reassess your feelings at that time. Concentrate on other things until then. Don't beat yourself up for any mistakes you perceive you may have made.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[scorpio2012]

Not sure there will be anymore effort on my part. I say this because he knows exactly how I feel about him. I personally feel as if I may have done too much damage here now having read the entire thread. Let me clearly state that I know it was unintentional on my part. I also feel he could have 'coached' me a bit, he's not newly diagnosed, it's been a couple years. But I do feel as if I may have caused him to feel abandoned when I originally ended the relationship.

It was only after a ton of research that I realized that everything that I was getting upset about was directly related to his PTSD and depression. I really had no clue. Everything, and I mean everything makes sense now. How he tried to be in control many times, the 'shutdown' weekends... the texts being sent with no responses... especially if they were expressing love or affection. Sometimes he just ignored them. He raised his voice a couple times, out of nowhere, would get angry on simple things. I understand all of this now was part of his illness.

The confusing part is how do I really know if the relationship truly is over? Usually 2 people sit down and talk about things. We never had a chat to clarify things, he simply refused to meet and said he had become tired and wanted to remember the good times. Prior to me heading over to his house, he said he was confused. Then there was a short text where he said he was done, and wished me the best. But then he said he cared about me and didn't want to see me get hurt. Is this his PTSD illness communicating for him?

Should I just let the dust settle for a month or two and reach out again?? I adore him. Hidden underneath the veil of his sorrows and struggles is the most beautiful soul ever. I just don't know what to do from this point moving forward. I feel like after realizing my mistakes that an apology was in order and I emailed him telling him how sorry I was for everything and not understanding what he was going through. He never responded to it. But when I texted him he responded with the "i'm confused and don't know what to do" as an answer. Then a few days later I headed over and he refused to meet with me.

So does anybody see where I'm getting at here? This was just a few weeks ago. Since then there has been no contact from either side. I truly care for him and want him to get better, but more importantly I want him to know I'm there for him and feel like any attempt I now make to communicate may just anger him. While I can see all the points being made in this thread being visible in him as well, I'm not sure if he truly wants to end the relationship for good or if he's doing what many others do which is pushing me away right now.

I want this to make sense, and much of it does - but because of my level of affection and love for this man I have a hard time figuring out if I should or should not invest anymore into this.

 

[Dallas]

I would just give him time- you can't predict the future. He might start missing you in a few weeks and reach out to you. But there is nothing you can do in the meantime except work on yourself and your own life. You can't force him into having a relationship right now. It has to happen naturally of it's own accord. I would just let him be for now.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[scorpio2012]

I'm basically upset that there was no proper closure. Other than that I understand that 2 people have to want the relationship. I'm not trying to predict that he'll come back, I'm just curious as to what others have experienced when the sufferer has said they are "tired" and don't want to be in the relationship. Do they mean it? Or is a temporary push away because they need space?

I'm reading on this forum that in many cases there is a cycle of breakups and reconciliation. As for me, I don't have the years invested as some others have. My heart goes out to all of them, it really does for both the supporter and sufferer. I'm in this for a bit over a year... just so many unresolved feelings, and it gets complicated by the fact that he went into shutdown mode and shut me out instead of talking about things. That's the part that suprised me.

I've left him alone for about a month now, nothing from my side, and nothing from his side. I was tempted to send a holiday text or just a simple email saying 'wishing you the best for 2013' but I haven't done any of that, I've left him completely alone. It hurts to have to let go, but in this case I think the damage has been done. Or at least that's the way I feel. Obviously if he wanted to reach out and explain anything, he would have. I want him to know that I'm there for him regardless, but not sure if he would even want to hear from me at this point. Mainly, I want him to heal, be happy and healthy :) I really wish I had run into this educational forum months ago!!

 

[Dallas]

Obviously if he wanted to reach out and explain anything, he would have.

Maybe he is unable to do this at this time-maybe he doesn't understand it himself.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[scorpio2012]

Dallas - thanks, yes you bring up a very valid point, and I too have thought about this. He is not getting professional help, so I can only imagine that he's bewildered about events as well, but he doesn't see himself as having done anything wrong. The more time that time goes by, I can objectively state that it's quite evident that he's not capable of seeing what's going on here. At least not yet. It's not my job to help him, he has to do that himself. I tried to explain my side, he didn't want to hear it. In my eyes, I've done enough, it's time to just let him be and I can only hope he gets the help he needs. I have a life to lead myself, and I won't move forward with guilt, rather just having learned a lot about myself and mental illness should it become an issue in my life or relationships in the future, I am all the better prepared.

 

[Dallas]

From reading everyone's posts on this forum, I think it's nearly impossible to have a relationship with someone who is not in an active treatment program, so you shouldn't beat yourself up.

Now you have the opportunity to start the New Year with a clean slate, and start healing. If he elects treatment, then maybe you can consider seeing him again, but I wouldn't until that condition is met. Remember, you are the one in control of your own life. Don't let him be in control of your life and your emotions.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[scorpio2012]

It's time to move on. A new year, out with the old and in with the new. As I mentioned in another area on this forum, I've done everything I can, and the rest is up to him. It's sad for me for sure, and I can only imagine how this has been on him as well. But I am moving forward content knowing I gave it my best shot and that's all anybody can do. Life goes on, and for me at least, the glass is always half full :)

 

[kabeh394]

I just wanted to thank people for some awesome posts on this thread. I'm recovering from an awful relationship experience that just ended a few weeks ago. I wish I had seen this before, but at least I am educating myself, and I am understanding with greater clarity what happened to me was no isolated event, but shared by many others it seems.

I am also a Scorpio, I have been where you are, it's like talking to myself over the internet... I am so sorry you are experiencing this, but you are not alone!