General Things To Know When Dealing With PTSD (As a Carer)

[Butigotup]

It must be hard to be a Carer because I know we're so difficult (I mean people like me who have PTSD) but, having said that, we CARE so deeply...that's all. We just care so much. Oh well, we can't fix the world but we're really likeable people once you get to know us.

Yes, and yes. It is hard, but it is worth it for exactly that reason.

I don't know if there is any truth to this. I haven't run it by my wife because...well...she's a little distant lately and I'm trying to be okay with that. But I've started to think that it's not hard for sufferers to feel love but it's very hard for them to express it. and to recieve it. It's hard sometimes, trusting that there are deep feelings they aren't sharing with us much...it borders on codependency, and that's part of the balance we're always struggling with. Or maybe that's just me these days.

 

[melody]

But I've started to think that it's not hard for sufferers to feel love but it's very hard for them to express it. and to recieve it.

Wow, this is me to a tee! I give of myself all the time, but have such a hard time showing and receiving love and I'm just waiting for my husband to get fed up and leave. I WANT to be present, I WANT him to know I love him (so very much!), but I just can't seem to get that close and when I do, it's short lived.

Once again, you carers are incredible! You put up with so much from us sufferers and a lot of the time don't get much in return, how do you do it?

Melody

 

[cyanide]

Once again, you carers are incredible! You put up with so much from us sufferers and a lot of the time don't get much in return, how do you do it?

Compassion, love, empathy, understanding, trust, to name a few.

 

[amethist]

A few reasons why we as carers do what we do.

Because we can.

Because we have the strength.

Because we want to.

Because we can see the light at the end of the tunnel even if the sufferer can't.

And because of this forum which gives us all the support and encouragement to keep going.

Amethist.

 

[melody]

Whatever it is, it's pretty special. :kiss:

 

[Nicolette]

how do you do it?

I believe that Carers are not Carers by random when it comes to relationships. I think, from the more I learn about Carers in serious relationships, that they themselves have had 'hard' or 'difficult' lives themselves so they have a greater compassion and tolerance for someone being down, accepting it and having some pre-requisite ability to deal with it even they may not consciously realise it - they are able to have a genuine empathy.

"Do unto others as would do unto oneself" comes to mind here.

 

[pegasus]

There are a lot of theories regarding the subconscious relating to this. The best analogy that I can find is that an abuser may target a victim (whether conscious or subconscious) that they will be able to gain trust, isolate, and abuse. This can be said in reverse where a sufferer or someone who needs help may subconsciously wind up with someone who can help them. Unfortunately this same subconcsious may allow someone to continue to have self destructive patterns. There is a lot of good literature on transference and how our past experiences (even in perfectly healthy people) routinely are played out in our present lives. A good description of this is that we all have our own theatre production. We surround ourselves with cast members and when one cast member leaves it is very likely we will replace them with another cast member and often (subconsciously) with similar traits. Sometimes our subconscious may be screaming for help and in doing so it allows us to bring a cast member with a different set of value to us. I'm at best a horrible amateur at trying to understand this but there is a very clear existence of this phenomenon.

 

[Midnight]

• You must set and maintain boundaries with a sufferer.... PTSD is not an excuse to be abusive.

So true! If only I had figured that out years ago! When we don't set and keep our boundaries and keep ourselves safe from the more abusive tendencies of a sufferer we are not doing ANYONE any good!

 

[Pixie]

This is a wonderful thread and I'm so proud of all the carers here seeking support and understanding. It is so important that you guys are supported through all the complexities too. *hugs* to all who want them.

I had one thought to add, as a sufferer...

One of the most frustrating things that I have often had happen to me is when I try my best to explain what I am going through (obviously not very well communicated on my part) and I get told that "everybody feels that way" and "that is normal".

I know it is an effort on behalf of the listener to try and make me feel better but ultimately, it makes me feel so much worse. To some degree, everyone experiences similar feelings but I feel so totally invalidated and is one of the reasons why I often withdraw.

Oh... I almost forgot, I do like to get little texts and notes from my carer/hubby. I might not be able to respond but a simple "I l*ve you" or "I'm thinking of you" means the world.

Pixie

 

[Llama]

I think that receiving little messages might have more to do with whether the sufferer is male or female. As a female I love to get those little messages, they really touch me and make me feel like my girlfriend is right there with me, even if I'm being emotionally distant. I see it more as an act of "I'm here if you need me" than as pressure to reciprocate.

I know that society is always harping on guys to be more emotionally available, even those who don't have PTSD, so to receive a message like that could certainly make someone who is always feeling like they're doing something wrong anyway, feel like they're not giving enough and thus feel pressures to give more which they aren't able to do.

That came out really jumbled, I hope it's decipherable.

 

[jenaew]

I believe that Carers are not Carers by random when it comes to relationships. I think, from the more I learn about Carers in serious relationships, that they themselves have had 'hard' or 'difficult' lives themselves so they have a greater compassion and tolerance for someone being down, accepting it and having some pre-requisite ability to deal with it even they may not consciously realise it - they are able to have a genuine empathy.

"Do unto others as would do unto oneself" comes to mind here.

Wow, that really makes sense to me. Ha I will try to use that when people ask me why I put myself through this. Because it honestly clicks now. Its so dead on.

 

[MizzASG]

3. We all want to get better, but sometimes we are not yet ready to get better. It is a painful and time consuming process.
4. We frequently will withdraw from the entire world and try to escape reality. Sometimes we do this b/c we are overwhelmed by the pain and need a reminder that good things exist.
5. Flash backs are miserable and recovery may take longer than expected. The best way I can describe it as a bad acid trip and a concussion all in one.
6. It may seem to the outside world that we are just wasting time. This is b/c we are trying to do inner work that the outside world cannot see or quantify.
7. When triggered we may do things that we have little or no control over and may not remember. Please protect yourself during these times, we do not want to hurt you.
9. It may seem to you that we are making a mountain out of a mole hill. Please remember that perspective is everything. A mole hill is a mountain if you are an ant.

I am definitely going to share this with my carer. Thank you for putting it into words, Liz H. Very appreciated.
Thank you Generally for this thread. A Great resource!